I am the mother of a teenage girl
Everyone told me that raising a teenage girl was going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Well, all I can go on is my own experience, and here’s what I can tell you: raising the teenage BOY has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, while my teenage girl has made my job pretty easy so far.
Me with my girls.
When I was my daughter’s age (8th grade), I was a geeky, bookish, horse-crazy child, who was completely freaked out by the changes happening with my body, but too scared to talk to anyone about any of it. Frankly, I found puberty really embarrassing. I remember agonizing over how to ask my mother if I could start shaving my legs….in the 9th grade!
My daughter, on the other hand, is incredibly self confident about her body, and herself. She’s got a very good sense of who she is, and she and I can (and do) talk about anything and everything. That makes me really happy. Unlike some parents, it hasn’t bothered me a bit to see her becoming a young woman; I’ve just been thrilled to see how comfortable she is with the whole thing.
However, we do live in a culture that hyper-sexualizes adolescent girls at younger and younger ages, and while I don’t want to hold her back, I do sometimes have to hold the line. I am trying really hard to strike a balance between empowering her and protecting her. I think that excess in either direction can be really bad for an adolescent girl. For example, I do let her have Facebook and My Space accounts, but she has to let me “friend” her – meaning I check her accounts regularly – and sometimes I tell her when a photo she has posted is inappropriate for one reason or another (you should SEE what some girls my daughter’s age post on their social networking sites!). I let her make most of her own clothing choices, but I do have a few rules: no high heels yet, and no pants of any kind with words written on the rear end (a la J Lo) to be worn outside the house. She’s wearing make-up now, and I think I let her wear more than a lot of moms of 8th graders, because she really loves experimenting, but when she’s gone overboard, I tell her she has to tone it down before going out.
So far, dating hasn’t been an issue because she goes to a parochial school with so few boys that the pickins are slim; these are the same 15 boys she’s known since 1st grade, so they don’t hold tremendous appeal. She did get asked to one high school dance, but she told me she didn’t really want to go, so she told the boy that her parents had said no. I am sure that next year, in high school, the dating issue will become more front and center, and I need to do some thinking about what my guidelines will be. Mainly, I want to spend a lot of time talking with her about what HER guidelines will be. I want her to feel like she’s driving the bus when it comes to her love life, not me or her father. We will be here to back her up, step in when necessary, and catch her when she falls, but she needs to learn to make good decisions, feel comfortable saying no, and figure out what really matters to her in choosing people to date. I didn’t learn that stuff until well into adulthood, but I’d really like my daughters to get the hang of it much earlier!
I feel really lucky that teenagehood is going so well for her (and for me!) so far. And I’m actually excited about what the next four years will bring. She’s a cool chick. I’m lucky to get to be her mama.
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Lovely post, and lovely young lady! It’s true, raising boys is by far much harder than raising girls. I don’t know that by personal experience, but saw firsthand how much my brother made and still makes my parents suffer. However, my baby sister is 14, and I HATE when grown men turn to check her out at the grocery store!! She always wears her jeans & t-shirts, so it’s not like she’s wearing a freakin’ tank top & mini-skirt! Usually I look at those pedophiles straight in the eye with my bitchiest face until they cower away, but if I’m in a bad mood, I’ll tell “She’s underage, you need to turn around”. Point is, I wish more mothers were like you, you’re doing a wonderful job by being your daughters’ mother & friend. My little girl is 2 and I’ll be raising her the same way.
Oh man, I, too GLARE at the much-too-old men who look at my daughter that way. And there are far too many of them. She does look older than she is, but there is no way these creepy people do not realize she’s underage. Other moms I know say they have the same thing happen with their middle school daughters.
Your daughter is beautiful and seems very grounded. My mom and I had the same relationship that you two seem to have and now at 29 we are just as close.
On another note, I love your “Peace is wise shirt!” Where did you get it?
It sounds like there is a lot of trust between you, and that is key. I had a great relationship with my parents, and it made it easier to make good choices. I was WAAAAY easier to raise than my brother, as my mother will tell anyone who asks. But I think that is just dependent on the child.
One of the greatest pieces of ammunition my mom gave me when I was in junior high was that if I ever didn’t want to do something or felt like something wasn’t right to do, she said, “Use me or your dad as an excuse why you can’t.”
The other thing she told me, which was more important, was that she would always love us no matter what we did. She made it clear that even if we made poor choices, went to jail, whatever, we were always still her children and she would always love us.
loved the article- you are both lucky to have each other. that said- i put my parents through hell and my bro was a breeze. now, at 42 y.o., i am raising my first child and daily thank the heavens that he’s a boy. i’m just soooo afraid of karmic payback. i’ll get back to you in 10 years (when he’s 13).
“Use me or your dad as an excuse why you can’t.”
This is so helpful for adolescents to know and use in sticky social situations they can not figure out.
Creepy, gross grown men looking at middle school girls!!!
I can write a book what we went through.
She really is lovely and actually looks HAPPY which is so great to see in a girl that age.
I hope that I have as comfortable and trusting a relationship with my girls when they are teenagers.
i’ve got the 13 year old boy, and man, i’m having fun – he is such a neat kid, and these are fun years – i love discussing literature with him and reading books with him – he’s fun to play with (Settlers of Catan? Scrabble?), fun to listen to music with – he’s bigger and heavier than me now, and those big shoulders say “man” but he’s still my little boy – i was so scared to be a mom to teenagers, but so far it’s a LOT of talking, a LOT of time, but also huge payoff in terms of a really cool friend who *gets* me
(until it’s bedtime and then i’m mom)
Amazing! This is one of my biggest concerns as the mom of a little girl. When do I start teaching her about loving herself and her body–even when others disagree? Should I make this teaching explicit or just try to model healthy behaviors? And what is the line between being a friend to our children and being a mom?
Ah yes…just a few “little” questions that are on my mind! Your piece gave me hope that I’ll find the answers!
Taz Tagore
http://laboroflove.typepad.com/
I’ve had the same experience with my almost teenager (2 months until she is 12). I also have the same rule about words across her butt. I think all kids are different, so it drives me crazy when people say “girls this or boys that…” One friend who had two boys went on and on about how awful her friends’ girls were one day at lunch (I have two girls). Ahhh!!! I am having fun with my girls, I love coaching middle school girls and I’m trying to get my county to start an all-girls soccer league, so I can get more girls involved, so maybe I’m biased.
Amy
Mom to 3 (2 girls and 1 boy)
http://www.sofiabean.com
oops…I meant 2 more months until she is 13….
Nice post, but can’t you tell us why raising a teen-aged boy has been so difficult? Also, don’t be alarmed or feel like a failure if this lovely girl hits a tough stage. I’ve seen it happen with friends — their daughters are lovely, wonderful, no trouble at all, until….they’re not. But that passes, too.