Our hope to have another baby – one last baby – is fading. I am 41.5 years old, and I am unwilling to do anything super-intensive like IVF (which at my age would involve a donor egg). And suffice it to say that the lower-level treatment plan my doctor and I agreed on isn’t producing the intended outcome. Every pregnancy followed by yet another an early miscarriage represents another three month chunk gone out of my fading reproductive window of opportunity. Plus, it’s exhausting mentally and physically.
So we are now getting close to the moment of reckoning. When do you throw in the towel on something you really, really, really want, but just doesn’t seem to be happening? When do you let go and move on? Some days, it seems an obvious choice. I have four wonderful children. I managed to have a healthy pregnancy and a gorgeous baby when I was 39 years old. There are things I really love that I will have time and energy to do – like start riding horses regularly, and go back to Bonnaroo - once I am completely done being pregnant and having a baby in the house. Plus, the older I get, the higher the risk becomes that even if we do manage to get a pregnancy to stick, the baby would suffer from maternal-age-related chromosomal issues. Is that a risk we are willing to take? Is that fair to the potential child who now only lives in my head? (It sure is weird thinking of myself as OLD in this way, because I really don’t look or feel any older than I did five years ago. But apparently I am. )
But then I think about C not having anyone around to play with when her much older siblings are grown and gone. She already misses them like crazy when they are with their Dad every other week. I want her to grow up in a household full of energy and life and activity – which I associate with children.
This is a hard decision, but one we really have to make soon. I am acutely aware of just how blessed I am to have four healthy children already. This experience of recurrent pregnancy loss – which, by the way, really is its own special circle of hell, and something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy - has made me so much more aware of what infertile couples with no children go through in order to have a family. It all came so easily to me earlier in life that I completely took it for granted. Now I know just how precious it is. Even if we don’t end up having another baby, I will end up with a whole heap more gratitude than I had before.
And now, on a lighter note, I give you 18 month old C singing her ABCs. How cute is that?!
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Glad to see that you’re thinking this through and slowly coming to terms with that possible outcome (not the want you want, but still the one that might happen). Good luck! And I think that C will turn out fine! My brother-in-law has a sister who’s 12 years older than him, yet I’ve never seen siblings closer than these two.
There is a wonderful book that made me feel much better about Noah either being an only child or having a wide age span (because at seven years apart, they are kinda like having two only children although with the homeschooling, I think this is less true ‘cuz they spend so much time together. Anyway!). It’s called Maybe One and it’s written by an environmentalist so the last half of the book is why having only one is better for the environment only I skipped that part because it wasn’t as compelling to me. (I was grieving the shared sibling part after all.) The first half is how only children actually benefit from being onlies and it sure makes sense to me. In a lot of ways, Charlotte has the best of both worlds. She has two parents who can totally focus on her and three older siblings who can be witnesses to her growing up, supports as she heads into the teen years and love her as much as her parents.
I think only children lose a lot when a sibling comes along. Sure, they gain, too, but they lose a lot. Having siblings is GREAT but so is being an only. Noah loved being an only and he thrived those seven years he was on his own, too.
If it happens that another pregnancy is not in the future for you, C will be OK. I’m the youngest of six, and most of my siblings are considerably older than me. I grew up relishing my alone time.
When C finds herself on a day without siblings or friends over for a visit, or cousins to play with, she’ll pull out her favorite book and read it again, even if she’s already read it 1,000 times. She’ll find an old box and turn it into a doll condominium, and make furniture out of egg cartons and those crates strawberries come in. She’ll dress up the dog, or (if she’s high tech like my kids are proving to be) she’ll grab the video camera and make fake commercials or film butterflies in the back yard. She’ll figure it out. I think allowing kids to have some time just to themselves is a healthy thing.
I know you are all correct. C will be just fine
She really does, as Dawn says, have the best of both worlds. I could never have imagined how much her older sibs would dote on her and practically worship her. And she adores them. She also has a cousin exactly the same age whom she plays with several times each week, and lots of other young cousins not much older than she is.
H was an only for almost 4 years before J was born, and we really did have some wonderful times together when it was just him.
My youngest brother is 14 years younger than me, and 8 years older than the one closest to him and 1) he is the most well-adjusted and happiest kid we know (although at almost 19, he is no longer a kid) and 2) with sports and neighborhood friends and cousins, he was rarely alone. My dad and his wife have not missed a soccer game, which would have been tough with other kids in the picture.
I agree with Dawn, in a lot of ways C has the best of all worlds.
Have you considered adoption?
Nope. We aren’t looking at adoption. It’s an amazing thing, but not the right choice for us.
But speaking of adoption, go read the blog of someone very dear to me who is within weeks now (!!!) of bringing her new adopted baby home: http://www.thisbumpyjourney.wordpress.com
I am so excited for them
I can really identify with where you’re at right now. I had my first, at age 39, four+ years ago. We are now, at age 43 going on age 44, finally letting go of the hope for a sibling for our darling boy. It’s a hard place to get to and I’ve been feeling a lot of stress about leaving my reproductive years behind me and moving into this next phase of my life. (that said, once I’m done processing, I’m ready to see what this next phase brings and to be there fully)
Allison – You are so spot-on with saying that it’s hard to “be there fully” when you haven’t yet let go of what might be. That’s what I want – is to fully embrace what’s next – whatever that is. Right now I feel like I have not completely gotten my head around either option – the hardship of continuing to try vs. the reality that we are finis.
-Katie
I was 42 when I had Cooper, and don’t intend to even think about having another child. He has two much older brothers who he hardly knows, so he will be for intents and purposes an only child. There are times when I think it would be nice for him to have a sibling in his age range, but there is never any guarantee that that would work out. His older brothers are 2 years apart and cannot abide each other. The older one tried to pull the younger one apart by his arms and legs when he was just an infant. My brother and I were great friends as kids. You just never know how it will go.
Mostly I agree with Allison, it is hard to really embrace where you are and who is in your life if you are so focused on what might be. Only you and your husband can decide what to do next, and I wish you the best in making that decision.
Why not consider adoption? It’s an incredible thing to do, not to mention your daughter will have a playmate and you don’t have to worry about maternal-age related chromosomal issues. Being a parent is about the parenting, not the genetic make up of your child. I just have such a hard time understanding why more people who desperately want children but are unable to naturally don’t decide to adopt babies who are already there, instead of creating their own just so they have a biological tie. It seems quite narcissistic.
What about fostering? There are lots of kids that need a family. I am also in my 40s. I have one son. I asked God for just one natural child and then I would foster or adopt. Now I wish I could get pregnant again, and I probably could if not for the financial aspect, but I feel like I should honor my original request and intentions.
I make no judgments about your decisions, and I guess I don’t expect to make you discuss your personal business, but it does really seem strange that you so want another child yet will not adopt. Once again, I’m sure you have your reasons.
Oh! And my sisters are 11 and 12 years older than me and we are very close.
she has Nancy Catherine….
To Claire @ 12:42 pm –
Claire, you said “I just have such a hard time understanding why more people who desperately want children but are unable to naturally don’t decide to adopt babies who are already there, instead of creating their own just so they have a biological tie. It seems quite narcissistic.”
My Response: I am in the same place as Katie, pretty much. Just turned 40. Have a toddler. Now wondering whether we can ever have another one. In fact, I just came from an appt w/ the RE. I find your response very insensitive. I don’t know whether you have said this in Katie’s blog before, but it’s a comment that I recognize from before. The fact that YOU would be willing to adopt or foster does not mean that it is the right choice for someone else. And the fact that you deem as narcissitic someone’s choice to try for her own child . . . well, I find that self-centered. YOU are not Katie, or me, or someone else going through this miserable experience. If you can’t say something positive, then just keep quiet.
Adoption is wonderful – yes. BUT IT IS NOT FOR EVERYONE. And trust me, we all have our individual (and perhaps painful) reasons for that.
Have some compassion, Claire, and others like you.
Katie, the other thing I wanted to say was . . . I hope you’ll consider the “natural route” regardless of whatever decision you make. Even if you make peace with a certain outcome, you could still continue to TTC naturally. What do you think?
I Get It Katie,
I’m sorry if my remark came across as insensitive. I didn’t mean for it to come across as an attack – just my own opinion based on my life experience. It was a genuine question, and even after reading your comment, I don’t feel like any light has been shed on this issue. I have never heard a reasonable response from an infertile person who refuses to look into adoption, but claims to desperately want a child. Of course, no one owes ME an explanation, but if you are a person who has written about childcare and writes often about a desire to have a 5th child at an “advanced age,” as Katie does, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to specify why adoption is out of the question. I understand why adoption isn’t for everyone – it can be far more expensive than IVF, the wait is often long – however, it seems many, many people rule out adoption simply on the basis that it won’t result in a biological child. Yes, I find this narcissistic. Especially when a person already has biological children.
Deciding not to have anymore children was a very difficult decision for me. I wanted just one more as well and for a myraid of reasons it just wasn’t happening. I hated the wondering if this was the end, if it should be the end of having more children. Once the decision was made I just let myself be sad that we were done. It was the right decision for us, but damn was it hard! You always think those right decisions should be easier.
@Claire, I think you raise an interesting and relevant point. Katie has crafted a public persona (and reaped the attendant benefits) based on her adventures in motherhood for a very long time and has written in great detail about her mothering experiences in a range of fora. I think it is absolutely disingenuous to be so flippant about an important question such as the adoption (or not) choice by simply saying it’s not the choice for her family and directing us to someone else’s blog.
On a happier note, C singing is so delightful. It’s funny she is always one dimensional as a photo posted here. Then to hear her voice and sing is so precious. She is very advanced for her age!
~~~~~~~~~~
Whose idea is it that adoption is for everyone. It is not availabe to all. Adoption agencies reject many people for all types of reasons.
Katie + Jon would probably have to adopt a special needs or older child because of her maternal age and they already have four biological children, and she birthed one of them less then two yr ago.
CLAIRE – because if someone want to HAVE a baby of their own that’s what they want! It’s like saying to a single woman, will…if you want to get married but have not found the right chap, why not just shack up?
Adoption is very serious and should be entered into only by those with a serious commitment to the entire process – who are READY and prepared…not as a means of obtaining a plaything for an existing child. Even pet adoption needs to be considered more seriously than that!
Kate is struggling with her body’s lack of functioning as she’d like it to. She is struggling with feeling inadequate and not whole. Perhaps feeling a lack femininity…None of this has to with parenting. They are very separate issues.
It is scary that people such as yourself rush in to to suggest adoption as taking on the challenge of a child who is dealing with separation issues will “fix” infertility issues. It will not and to expect it to puts a terrible onus on the child being taken in who needs a great deal of love and attention – and needs to be loved on his or her own, not as a “replacement” for what might have been…or while someone is still mourning that loss.
Perhaps…at some future date that might be a consideration,.but now is not the time.Now is a time to heal these wounds and learn to let go of a dream of another conception and pregnancy.
I hope that counseling is found that helps ease that loss…and i hope that you have friends and family who can be empathetic and supportive without trying to ‘fix” you…which is a natural tendency…especially for women!
I have only just started to research adoption issues and I was absolutely floored to find out that in some countries I am too “old” to adopt an infant.
(I will be turning 42 in two weeks)
So I too am grieving and I know how it feels to have to come to the realization that I won’t be calling another baby “my own” … ever.
You are in my thoughts Katie.
I would very much love to hear from those who don’t want to adopt some more information about why it’s not an option for them – like I think Claire meant, not as a challenge; it’s not for me to say what decision is right for someone else, but to help me understand.
I am on the other side of the fence completely – I can’t imagine giving birth or being pregnant, and really don’t want to do either – but I can imagine adopting and raising a child, and my husband and I are considering that option. I have often wondered what it is about adoption that parents who don’t wish to do it can’t square. For example, I theorize that it might have to do more with one’s own body than one’s desire to parent – the desire to feel that one’s body is working a certain way, and capable of certain things. Adoption certainly couldn’t help you there.
I wonder if it is other issues, as well. Do parents who don’t wish to adopt fear that the adopted child might not love them or bond sufficiently? Or that the child might not look like they do? That the child might grow up and wish to seek out birth parents, which could feel hurtful and like rejection to the parents? Or other issues? I can understand those, too – though, in some cases, those fears should be thought about for any child, regardless of how one chooses to become a parent: a biological child might have difficulty bonding or grow up combative; a biological child might not look like a parent at all – while an adoptive child can grow up loving and attached, and be mistaken for a biological child (as I am and was).
I would greatly welcome some honest and respectful discussion about these issues – I would like to understand them more and be able to understand the position better – not to attack it, but to understand it. If Katie wishes to take that issue on, she’d have my complete support and applause – or if she knows someone who would, I’d greatly welcome that, too.
I think this issue can become very fraught, because it’s easy for the parents who wish to adopt to feel that adoption is being put down, or adoptive children are being put down – sometimes I have that emotional reaction myself, and feel defensive. It’s probably easy for parents who do not wish to adopt to feel insulted and misunderstood in ways particular to that situation. I’d love to hear people talking about this in a compassionate way, and I think it could do us all a lot of good.
Let me see if I can adequately address this question – for myself only.
I have a very personal, intimate experience with adoption in my own family life that was extremely negative in some very significant, life-altering ways. That’s all I can say about the matter without violating other people’s privacy, but suffice it to say that just as some women have highly personal experiences that would make getting pregnant and going through childbirth not a good idea for them, I have similarly significant emotional issues tied to adoption that would make it not the right choice **FOR ME****
Having said that, however, I believe that for many, many people, adoption is **exactly** the right family-building choice, with beautiful outcomes for all involved. I support complete parity in available infertility resources for adoption (relative to the cost of physical infertility treatment).
I hope this answers this question for readers who have shared this trying-to-have-a-baby journey with me, and I look forward to other responses from others with different perspectives.
-Katie
I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Elaina
http://www.craigslistpostingtools.info
I am creeping up on 37 and 4.5 years of infertility. I don’t even have ONE child. We tried the RE route and all that got us were lots of painful and embarrassing tests and $$$ down the drain.
My hubby and I are having to face the idea that being parents at all probably isn’t going to happen for us, so I can understand the ambivilence and sadness you face about trying to have another child and a sibling close in age to C (and it not happening).
While it is an option for couples looking to add to their family, adoption is NOT the right choice for everyone. We would not be candidates, as we have mentally ill and estranged relatives (both sides, lucky us) that would delight in tanking our chances with any interview process. International adoptions take years and lots more money.
You are so incredibly blessed and luck to have 4 kids. I would be thrilled with one. There are thousands of infertiles like me who are running out of time (and money) after spending tens and tens of thousands trying to get pregnant.
>I think it is absolutely disingenuous to be so flippant about an important question such as the adoption (or not) choice by simply saying it’s not the choice for her family and directing us to someone else’s blog.
It’s not flippant – it’s her freaking blog. She owes the reader no answers to personal questions.
As her latter answer that was badgered out of her indicates, she has sufficient – for HER – reasons for not going that route.
I also wouldn’t adopt, and I say that as an adoptee.