Apparently, the next edition of BlogHer’s Backtalk series will be addressing the idea of blogging about divorce.
I, myself blogged all the way through my own divorce, my dating life after divorce (Which resulted in some of my very best friends. One of my post-divorce exes is even C’s godfather!) , and I have obviously blogged a lot about the joy of my remarriage and our blended family. I started my personal blog before my divorce, so it was natural that I would keep writing as life handed me these new twists and turns. But more and more as time has passed, I’ve moved away from being specific at all about the issues that have come with the end of my marriage, or the relationship I have with my eldest children’s dad. Why? Because my children are now older, and I like having them read my blog, and they don’t need to see the specifics of this stuff out there for public consumption. I’ve pulled back considerably with each passing year in what I share on my blog about this particular topic. I have learned -sometimes the hard way – that specific blog venting never helps with the challenges (understatement) that come with co-parenting after divorce. I assure you that I could spill a bloggity soap opera on a nearly daily basis about this stuff, but that would feel really wrong to me.
So nowadays (and for several years now, actually), I keep 99.99% of the details of the co-parenting part of my life completely private, except for discussions with the people closest to me. And in hindsight, I regret some of what I did write during that first, painful period. I sometimes screwed up, I freely admit. But I have learned from my mistakes in this regard. As a writer, I wanted to get words on the page about the transformative experience I was going through. That’s what writers do. It’s almost a compulsion. And I also believe that each person has a right to tell her own story in her own way. But I’ve realized that for me, I should have waited until the emotion was less raw. I should have waited to process. And that would be my advice to anyone else considering what to write or not write on her blog about the end of a relationship with someone with whom you share children. Today, my life isn’t about the fact that I once had a divorce. It’s about the family I have now -which includes Jon and four children – so that’s what I like to blog about.
‘>As I’ve mentioned before, I continue to be shocked by the proliferation of what I refer to as “the very angry stepmother blogs” that are springing up all over the parenting blogosphere. These women – the second wives of men who have children – are really, really pissed off at their husbands’ first wives – and often, at the children. And they like talking about it. A lot. In fact, it seems like all they want to talk about on their blogs. Surely these women have more going on in their lives than feeling mad and resentful toward their stepkids’ mothers? A lot of these blogs are allegedly “anonymous,” meaning the women use pseudonyms for themselves and other people, but I still think that directing that kind of specific public vitriol toward the mother of your stepchildren – or even your stepchildren (by the way, have I ever mentioned how much I hate the “step” label? There has to be a better way to name these family relationships…) – is just bad karma. Bad energy. And I think the odds that family members will eventually find these Very Angry Blogs, and be hurt by them, are just too great. Save that kind of specific and negative venting for one-on-one discussions with friends and therapists. Or join a support group. Don’t become a blogging harpie.
But anyway, I do look forward to hearing and watching the discussion unfold over at BackTalk.
Note from Katie: Please be gentle with me in your comments. This is a very, very sensitive topic for me, and I feel nervous about having said even this much about it. And I did say right up front that I MADE MISTAKES. So, anyway, please just be nice 
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I agree w/you on the “step” label. I grew up with a wonderful “stepfather” whom I call Dad. He’s my father in all the important ways and I have trouble when a situation seems to require me to say step dad. I can’t imagine what “step parents” go through trying to be a parent but not step on any toes (especially early on in a relationship), but to blog about it could backfire on their attempt to “vent” anonymously. A private journal might be a better medium.
Katie, I applaud your continued commitment to tackle “tough” topics: everything from co-sleeping and nighttime bottles to cheerleading and the Octo-mom quagmire. Even if I don’t always agree with you, I respect the heck out of the fact that you keep on bloggin’. Rock on, dude.
Re: Angry stepmom blogs. Haven’t read any. I think I’d like to keep it that way based on your description. Yikes. And you’re right–karma will catch up with them. They probably don’t care at all what the general public (or even the blogging community) thinks, but eventually, someone they do care about will hit them with an outraged WTF?
Well said. To process the pain, and then the resolution, takes time, and you are wise to choose retience now. Although, your honesty about the joys and mistakes of that time did help a great many people who struggled with the same.
I am a stepmom and it isn’t always a walk in the park. I really had hoped for a better relationship with the ex, but it was not meant to be. But I don’t ever publicize anything about it because it really isn’t productive. It won’t change anything and if discovered could only make things worse. If I need to vent, I have family and friends to talk to. Even with them, I try to be fair about the situation.
I think in general there are a lot of angry people in the world. They have alienated people around them and their only outlet is the internet. So they come online to say horrible things to people about their choices.
As an “almost” stepmother (May hitching date) who has lived with and co-parented my “step”son for six months I wholeheartedly agree that anger and bitterness are best left for discussion with intimate friends and/or a therapist. Of course I think one should first try to just get over ill feelings of any kind. I can think of a number of reasons to criticize “my” kid’s mother, and she could probably think of a few about me. But we choose to act like grown-ups and get along. Even if she chose not to, I hope I could take the high road for the kid’s sake.
Being ugly about a kid’s mother is bad for the kid, and bad for a co-parent’s relationship with the kid. And that should be nurtured and protected at all times.
Hi, I’m writing because I am a frustrated stepmother. Though I have a blog where I document, I keep it private for many reasons.
The main reason: I need to document and it is where I document. The ex wife in my life has a criminal record, she has horrible money problems including the utilities being shut off regularly, multiple car reposessions, and she emotionally abuses my stepdaughter over and over…from threatening to slap her for no reason just for a laugh in front of all her cousins to telling her she would never see her again if she chose to live with us because she wouldn’t buy a plane ticket for a child that doesn’t love her. Not to mention her personal habit of stalking me. This was when I became fearful for my stepkids and for myself. I have every right to be worried. And I have every right to blog. So to say there are angry people in the world: Yes that is right, and they have ever right to be angry! And worried! Mostly us stepmothers blog because we are worried. Can you blame us? Not all mothers have the best of intentions: they are a rare breed, but they do exist.
The blogging world provides a way for stepmothers to speak with other stepparents in similar situations, we find great advice and support, as we deal with such difficult situations.
Just as you have every right to post your thoughts: I have ever right to post mine. Stepmothers have the right to post their thoughts.
Many stepmothers love their children as if they were their own. And they blog accordingly. One should not be punished for writing their feelings, or worrying.
Blogging is a fantastic outlet: most especially if one CAN’T AFFORD therapy. In these economic times it’s almost too expensive to pay for these sessions…so unless you’re one of the rarities of society that hasn’t been affected by the recession….don’t throw stones at glass houses.
I am a NON angry step mom. I am not best friends with my husband’s ex, but she is not the devil or bad at being a mom. If I get frustrated or angry about anything with regard to the step sons, it is about THEM and their attitudes. They were teenagers when I came into their lives, and even on a good day they are still TEENAGERS. But the ex is a lovely woman. I don’t think I have ever blogged in anger toward or about her, and most likely would not even if we did have our differences over something. But that all being said, some people are just plain awful to deal with, exwives and exhusbands are no exception. If blogging about a difficult relationship is what helps, then the blogger should be allowed to blog about it. If it hurts children or other innocent parties, it should be done in a way that they cannot find out, but BSBG has valid points. People blog about nonsense all the time, if someone needs to blog about hard stuff, serious stuff, in relationships so they can get support and advice or just to blow off steam, I don’t begrudge them internet space. I don’t have to read it if I don’t want to.
What I don’t like is that little hint of entitlement that is so common when it comes to ex-wives. Many (not all, but many) ex-wives feel as though they are entitled. They are entitled to tell us how to run our households, how to react to their negative actions, how to express ourselves, how to love their kids and the list goes on. Why is it that we have to be so mindful of their feelings, but they get to do whatever they want and hide behind the excuse that they are somebody’s mother? Newsflash…we’re somebody’s mother, too! We don’t like being disrespected, undermined and constantly walked over just because you share a child with our husbands. If you want to be respected as a person and a parent, then you need to be willing to give the same amount of respect to us. What I constantly preach on http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com is that everyone in the blended family needs to accountable for their actions and responsible for their own emotions. If we all constantly work to keep ourselves in check, then we wouldn’t have as many problems in blended families as we do now.
I would also like to mention that I am both an ex and a second wife. My husband’s ex-wife and I have had problems from the beginning (for 8 years)! But, my ex’s wife and I get along great; which tells me that the problems that I am having with my husband’s ex-wife has more to do with her than it does to do with me. I am NEVER and have NEVER been disrespectful to my ex’s wife. I constantly tell and show my appreciation for the significant role that she plays in our son’s life. She is wonderful and even when we have disagreements (which is inevitable and quite natural), I am still blessed to have her in our son’s life. In turn, she is blessed that I’m not crazy and that I don’t make life difficult for her and my ex. I bend over backwards to make things work because we are ALL raising a child together. What I don’t do is give her a bunch of rules surrounding loving my child and flip out when things don’t go the way I would do them.
As an ex and second wife (I want to emphasize that), I would encourage ex-wives who are upset about step/second mom blogging to attempt to understand where she is coming from and then look inside yourself to see how you might have contributed to her pain. I’m sure that she isn’t blogging for no reason at all. And, if your feelings are hurt by her blogging, you might want to see how and why your actions might have propelled her to blog in the first place. If you’re honest with yourselves, you’ll realize that your actions might be far more harmful to your child(ren), then their blogging. Instead of reacting negatively, use it as an opportunity to reach out, discuss and try to work out your differences. Perhaps at that point, you can use your respective blogs to help others in your situation by showing them that it’s possible to leave the bitterness behind and co-parent your child(ren) effectively.
Nothing to say on the angry stepmom issue but I have a friend who refers to her Dad and her “Bonus Dad.” Having a “Bonus Mom” would be pretty good, no?
I see that The Angry People found you and missed your point
I think the point you made about it feeling wrong to you is a good one. If it feels wrong to you, then most likely for you it would be wrong. So, don’t do it… don’t read it… don’t engage. However, for some people, it becomes a place where they can dump their emotional responses so they can move forward in the real world to tackle the issues more clearly.
You can’t judge unless you know the full picture and you can’t possibly know the full picture just from reading a blog posting. It is impossible, people shouldn’t assume they can. I think that is the biggest downfall with angry blogging… the assumption that the post is all that there is to the store.
In truth, there is always three sides to these situation. His side, her side, and the truth.
-d
When my Ex found a new woman to share his life with, I was as open and accepting as I could have been. The first few times we spent time together, the new girlfriend, later his wife, and I got along just fine. It was not until she realized that he still carried some feelings for me that things turned ugly. With the children being used as a weapon against me, they tried to push me completely out of their lives. The new GF/wife even went so far as to start a blog for the express purpose of slamming me. Everything I did was twisted, exaggerated and turned around to be evil and wrong. Sure, I posted on my blog of my anger and frustrations that the children were being hurt, used and ultimately abused by this woman AND their father, who used to be a fairly decent dad.
Long story short, after many painful, pain-filled years of battling this evil woman, I am at peace. I held fast, loved my children, never bashed their father, stayed silent on the step-mother and eventually they realized the truth of the matter. The finally came to live with me full time, hoping to maintain some relationship with their father, but needing to be away from step-mom’s vicious, toxic attitude. However, sadly, dad rejected them and now they have no contact with him at all.
Now I am step-mom myself, and the kids’ bio-mom is every horrible, neglectful, selfish thing my kids’ father ever said I was. I keep quiet about how I feel about that. I see how hurt these kids are. I know I cannot replace what they wish their mom was, I can only offer support, love and friendship, and pray that their mom realizes how much her kids need her, and that it is so much more important to spend time with them, instead of with her friends down at the bar.
In all phases of motherhood, we all bristle when we are judged by others. This is no different. And kids deserve to love their parents, even awful ones. They will figure it out on their own some day, they don’t need step-parents telling them anything. If anything, healthy and loving relationships should be encouraged all around.
I am a very, very angry stepmom and real mom to two children. I am angry because the child in question is the result of a horrible relationship my husband had in college. They broke up, she got pregnant the last time they had sex, he begged her not to have the baby. She had it anyway.
He chose not to be involved with the child beyond paying child support. I do not blog about it because no one know about the child. He is my husband’s worst mistake embodied and while we have met him, both my husband and I resent him to no end and all the money he takes away from the children we actually love.
I wish I could blog about it because I think people need to know that situations like this exist. That a man can be a wonderful father to two children he loves and who were wanted, but can also feel boned by a system and a selfish woman who tried to force him to be a parent to a child who he never wanted (and who also lives 2,000 miles away from him). People need to know that not everything is black and white and not all families are the Brady Bunch. Sometimes kids really are better off not being born. So I say speak out angry stepmoms. I hear you.
Yes, men should have the right to force women to abort babies they don’t want. Why should any man be forced to support a child he didn’t want? It wouldn’t be fair, of course, to let him just walk away and leave the mom to support the kid by herself, so, if he doesn’t want to support the kid, he should have it aborted.
I am not advocating for men being able to force women into abortions, but I am advocating for a man’s right, within the first three months of pregnancy, to get a legal abortion, ostensibly losing all the rights–and privileges–of parenthood. Look, if we women have choices, men should have them, too. We can’t ask for equality on one hand and then whine and cry when we get about needing “support” on the other. If a woman makes the independent choice to bear an unwanted child, then she also makes the choice to independently raise them. I can’t support a system that encourages irresponsible procreation by forcing men to pay for unwanted children. Not all women are pillars of morality. We have created a system where, if a woman can bag some sperm from a rock star, she is set for life. And don’t pretend it does not happen. If we get to shout about reproductive choices, then guess what? So do men.
@Angry Stepmom – typically I would refrain from commenting on such a vitriolic post but your comment verges on inhumane. Perhaps the circumstances of your husband’s first child’s conception were less than ideal but your husband was a willing and active participant in the act. The child’s mother should be given credit for NOT having an abortion, the unthinking default for so many young and not-so-young women.
With child support (which is not by the way provided solely by fathers) the legal system seeks to hold both parties responsible in some way for the consequences of their sexual actions, either through time (in this case, the child’s mother) or money (the child’s father).
To say that the child embodies your husband’s worst mistake is probably patently untrue. The child is an independent moral agent and greater than the sum of his biological heritage. Given the hate which you are spewing, he is probably much better off being 2000 miles away from you and his father.
I am The Bonus Mom. And I’m not angry. My husband’s ex-wife and I have a decent relationship and she trusts me when it comes to raising her son (my husband has full custody). My step daughters refer to me as “the best bonus mom ever” and with them, I am more of their friend than a parent.
I grew up in a blended family and when my parents got married, they threw all 7 of us kids into the blender and pressed “Puree.”
I’m also a MOM – I have two daughters from my first marriage who are grown and out of the house.
I see both sides of the coin – and even occaisionally have had disagreements with my husband’s ex-wife. Truth be told, we’re both able to work through whatever we disagree on and move forward. Why? Because we do what’s best for the kids.
My blog? You betcha – I got one! It started out as a place for me to write about the process I go through when I’m working through an issue. I don’t need all the gory details, just a synopsis so I can get to the process of sorting it out. My blog as morphed into The Step Moms Toolbox. It’s not a place to vent anger, but rather a place for step moms who need the tools, tips, resources and advice to work through their anger and frustration.
I can only hope that my experience will help other sister step moms (Bonus Moms!!)
“And I think the odds that family members will eventually find these Very Angry Blogs, and be hurt by them, are just too great.”
Actually, if you take the time to read several of these “angry stepmom” sites, you will find that many share a common theme – the biological mother suffers from mental illness, specifically one of the Cluster B Personality Disorders. Finding the blog is not going to hurt the children any more than their daily experiences with their ill parent. In fact it may give them some peace, knowing that what they are forced to observe is not normal, since we as step-parents (or biological fathers) aren’t EVER supposed to thrust reality into the children’s faces by exposing their mother’s behavior for what it is.
If anyone here does not understand where these “angry stepmom” blogs are coming from, I don’t blame you. It is only because you haven’t come anywhere close to experiencing the trauma/chaos that dealing with these women entails and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. So if you don’t ‘get it’, move along your merry way and be thankful you don’t. You are apparently fortunate enough to not be court ordered to maintain a relationship with someone who terrorizes you on a daily basis. Congrats!
For those of us that do, finding each others’ blogs has been a godsend, to know that we aren’t alone.
***please feel free to replace mother with father if your situation so requires
“Angry stepmoms” are disenfranchised pseudo-caregivers. We’re supposed to act like a parent but without the authority to discipline or help children get medical attention or join activities they enjoy. We are expected to act like a nanny but without the pay or weekends off. The reason that these so-called angry stepmoms blog about their feelings is because they are POWERLESS to change the situation in any way. We have no legal rights, no recognition, no input in these young lives which we would very much like to help.
Let’s face it, there is no education, training, or meritocratic requirements for becoming a biological mother except for a working ovary or two and (in my case) the willingness to have careless unprotected sex w/o birth control with every guy that crosses your path. Seriously, the bio-mom in my life got pregnant at age 20 after dating BF for 3 months, then proceeded to have unprotected sex with at least five different guys While pregnant, putting herself and her child at risk for std’s/aids. And as much as I absolutely love this child, I cannot understand why anyone would have a child they are not financially capable of caring for. There is no way one can afford to take care of oneself on a fry cook’s wages, much less a child. Instead, she expected the BF to cover Her part of the expenses of caring for the child. It’s completely irresponsible.
Alas, what do I know? I didn’t give birth to him. I waited until I was in a Stable relationship with decent job prospects and no intention of relying on welfare or the BF to provide exclusively for me and my child. I have an advanced degree and specialize in working with children. But I didn’t get knocked up when I was a teenager so I could never understand what a child needs because I didn’t push one out. If you need proof that biology doesn’t imply intuition, look no further than Susan Smith, Casey Anthony, Michelle Crockett (http://www.tampabay.com/features/humaninterest/article750838.ece).
So what do frustrated, “angry”, outcasts do when there is no other recourse? They complain because that’s what they can do. If you have a better idea I would love suggestions.