A month or two ago, my one-year-old was asleep on our bed, when I – listening in the other room via baby monitor – heard a loud and definitive thump: baby head hits hardwood. I shrieked, and ran back to our bedroom, where C was sprawled on the floor. I scooped her up and put her back on the bed. She never even woke up, and she was fine. But I know the outcome could have been very different (I am thinking of Natasha Richardson here). And if she had been hurt, or God forbid, killed, I never would have forgiven myself for my negligence. Because if I had been following all the parenting rules as carefully as I should have been, C shouldn’t ever take a nap unattended on our bed. She should always be in a newer-model crib, with little bedding – asleep on her back.
Before I had children – and even in my first few years of parenting – I was a lot more judgmental than I am today. If I had heard a story about a mother whose toddler was badly injured because the mother left her sleeping in an adult bed, I might have even suggested criminal prosecution of that parent. In fact, about fifteen years ago, when a local family lost their toddler after the father forgot him all day in the backseat of the family SUV in summer weather, I was in agreement with the DA that the grieving, heartbroken father should be prosecuted.
“I would never, ever do that,” I remember thinking. “How could any good parent do that?”
But four children and a whole lotta parenting later, I understand quite clearly how a good parent “could do that.” After making my own mistakes over and over and over, and seeing many other friends and family members stumble their way through attempting to raise vulnerable young human beings safely into adulthood, I generally think something very different when I hear about a parent losing a beloved child to something that in a perfect world, should have been prevented. Now, instead of, “how could he/she do that?” I think, “There but by the grace of God, go I.”
Sure, I take precautions. We childproof and safety-latch and double-check. We warn and educate and oversee and guide and lecture. But over the years, that didn’t prevent the time E filled his mouth with Dow Scrubbing Bubbles, which he found in our kitchen cabinet. It didn’t prevent J from falling off the top bunk. It didn’t keep me from actually forgetting to pick my baby up from childcare after work one day last year (luckily, she is cared for by her grandmother, so it was all good. But yes, I forgot her until my husband called to ask why I hadn’t arrived to pick C up from his mother.)
Bad things can happen to good parents. Mothers and fathers back over their preschoolers in the driveway. They fail to stop that headfirst dive that results in a paralyzed middle schooler. They raise teenagers who become addicted to drugs. Their college student contracts AIDS despite the parental safe-sex discussions. And yes, sometimes loving, caring, attentive parents leave their young children in the hot car all day, forgetting them, and condemning them to a terrible death.
There but by the grace of God, go I.
And you.
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I read this article on A. Martini’s Webpage, and was haunted for days afterwards. I now believe this tragedy could happen to anyone. I don’t have children, but this article makes me want to slow down, to breathe, and to stop multi-tasking.
It’s really hard to fathom how it could happen, but I suppose it could. I’m not judging anyone, because I know these people loved their children. I just can’t imagine being out with my child and not remembering he was there.
I did let him play with the key fob once when he was a year old (they only way he would stop crying). And of course, he locked the doors. With my purse inside. And my friend, whose house I had just left, was in the bathroom and didn’t hear me pounding on the door. Her kids were in the back playing in their rooms. Luckily I had left the sunroof half open and a neighborhood kid was able to get in and unlock the door for me.
Yes, there you go again with your blog. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I’m jealous because I wanted to co-sleep but my daughter didn’t, and sometimes you make me think. This post brought on all three. As much as we work like Hell not to become THAT mom, sometimes we still end up there.
Parenthood has made me less judgmental about everything. It has highlighted my awareness of my own and everyone else’s humanity. “Nobody’s perfect.”– truer words were never spoken.
It happened last year in our small town. The daycare must have been close to the mother’s work. She parked her car at the daycare then walked to work. At the end of the day she went into the daycare and they told her the child was never dropped off that morning. Of course he was in the car, and it was too late.
I absolutely believe that any parent could make the same mistake. Any disruption to our routine or distraction in our life could do it.
I don’t whether it’s a crime or not. A lot of accidents are also criminal, I suppose. I guess we have to rely on the wisdom of the DA and judge in each case.
Oh, I guess I assumed certain facts of the story wrong – it’s referenced in this article. She actually drove from her work to the daycare without noticing her child in the car. Of course, because you don’t expect there to be a child there. Horrifying.
Yes, bad things can happen to good parents – even Christian parents. It doesn’t make them any less good, or moral, it just means we are all imperfect. Something to remember the next time you get all judgmental on Christians who have kids that aren’t perfect.
JustMe: no one said anything about Christian versus nonChristian parents. It’s amazing to me that something that is supposed to enrich your life and help you to be a happy, well-adjusted person seems to have the opposite effect on so many.