I’ve deleted this post after comments became highly (and inappropriately) personal in nature. My children read what I write, as well as the comments.
I look forward to the day when I can openly and safely write about this important and sensitive issue in the same way I have always written about other parenting and family life topics. It’s clear that that day is not here yet.
-kag
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This is great advice, and I’m a stepmom! Although I must say that I am guilty of violating rule #4 because I want my stepkid to feel a full, equal part of our nuclear family (she is) even though she lives with her mom. If I looked like Gisele Bundchen, her mom might take offense, but fortunately I don’t and we all get along quite well.
from twitter to mamapundit to babble why not just send folks straight to babble?
Interesting take. As a stepmother I find it odd that you’re providing advice for a role you’ve never experienced. I’m likening this to taking a BMW to a mechanic that only has experience servicing Toyotas.
Ideally, a stepchild becomes your child. Sure you aren’t the biological parent but saying “my husband’s children” definitely gets old fast and is a sure fire way to create a barrier between you and the child.
However, I fully agree that Gisele Bundchen is an idiot.
It never occurred to me to seek out step parent chat forums until I read your article. Some posts are very negative, but I understand the need to blow off steam. Actually, I have also seen some good advice out there too. Makes me feel like I’m not alone.
My BF’s adult son’s mother is not an issue in my life, but I respect your advice. I might need it someday. Re: #4, I always thought it was endearing when a step parent refered to skids as “ours.” I think it shows a level of commitment and solidarity, but I see where you are coming from.
Also, as a non-birth parent, we may spend considerably money, time, energy, food, etc. on your child. I can kind of see why a step parent may differentiate between herself and the “bio” mom, especially if the children are young, or it has been a long-term relationship. I don’t think that makes the “step” right or wrong, but I do see your point.
Also, I think it would be interesting for Babble to link your article with other another Babble article(s) from the point-of-view from the “step”, and a child who has 2 families.
Debra – I will try to find some of Babble’s other stepparenting related content and link it to my blog post when I get a chance later today.
There are so many awesome stepparents out there, and I am in awe of the people who do it well. I know many people who consider their stepparents to have been full parents in raising them. This is a lovely thing.
But I do think that there is a lot of content online about how hard it is to be a stepparent (which it undoubtedly is) and very little content from parents who are struggling to deal with stepparenting relationships that are disrespectful or difficult or even painful.
And whether it’s right or wrong or fair or unfair, I think that by taking a slow, respectful tone in the early stages of the relationship, a new stepparent can really help to get things off on the right foot with his/her stepkids’ parent. But if a stepparent does as Ms. Bundchen has done, it makes it very hard for the parent, and for the relationship, which should be a positive one.
I hope that makes sense.
-kag
@Jennifer: I think it is fair for Katie to give her perspective on this from the ‘other side.’ I am not divorced but it does always make me feel bad that the term ‘stepparent’ doesn’t have a more positive connotation in our society so that the terminology like birth mother or other mother arise. As a teacher, I always felt strange talking to the stepmother honestly. In most cases, I felt like it was the father’s place in that situation especially if it was regarding negative classroom behavior.
I’m a stepmom who appreciates this perspective. It is hard sometimes, though. It’s mainly rewarding but my situation is my kid (yep, I call him that) has a loving mother who lives on the other side of the globe and they only get to see each other a few weeks out of the year. So I have what I consider a lot more responsibility than the average stepmom. I think the best advice anybody ever gave me was another stepmom, who said, “Don’t let your husband make you the heavy.” Too many husbands lay the disciplining burden on the shoulders of the stepmom, and the last thing a stepmom should be is the disciplinarian. I mean you have to do some of that, but I boomerang that duty back to the dad almost every time (the rare exceptions being when he is out of town or otherwise not home and the situation needs to be dealt with).
Recently a divorced mom asked me, “So how’s parenting?” I said, “I just try, try, try to do the right thing, all the time. And sometimes I feel like I’m doing an awesome job, and the next day I think I’m screwing him up.” She said, “That’s it! You got it.”
Anyway I would love to find a good web site for stepmothers that isn’t just some long kvetching session. That’s all I’ve been able to find and I’ve pretty much given up on finding any rational source of support from other stepmothers.
I like this article about step parents with adult children. Older couples seem to have more options than younger blended families.
http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/13430_Chapter9.pdf
We NEVER dreamed my BF’s college student, musician, cheerleader son would have such a problem with his father dating again after a 7 year hiatus. The boy’s parents divorced when he was 3; he seemed to have a life of his own. Wrong! I also made a big mistake in sending him an e-mail about his behavior. I stay off the scene now. This makes my BF sad, but he understands. It’s a win-win situation for me and the college kid, who thankfully attends school in another city.
I have a lot of respect for the sacrifices and frustrations active and caring step parents go through. It’s something I’m no longer willing to do at this time (but that’s the beauty part of having a home of my own).
I liked this…..and having two stepfathers and one stepmother in the past..I have seen this too -Good Advice- even if “you have never been a stepmother yourself” It is sensible and intellegent……..just watch Kramer v/s Kramer already.
This is great, but I would like to add one really positive (but, probably far off) aspect of stepparenting, seen from my perspective as a now-grown-up stepkid–As far as I can tell, being “Grandma” to your stepkid’s kids is pretty much exactly like being “Grandma” to your own kids. I have this on good authority from my mom, who is Grandma to my kids and my stepsister’s kids, and from my own kids, who are lucky to have plenty of grandparents, and from my stepmom. My stepmom lives close and takes my kids once a week. She told her sister recently, half-joking “See? I really did get to do the grandma thing without all that pesky labor and pregnancy and raising the first generation!”
Katie you are a jackass and the posters to your ridiculous article is even worse – and get the hell off Gisele Bundchen back, if anyone is an idiot here is you and them.
Is only in America that people like you get to write these rubbish and talk about giving advice, get your stinking A$$ off your computer and stop acting like you are an expert on stepmothering, you know shit about the subject.
Interesting. I feel that the tone of this piece is really negative. Perhaps I haven’t read enough from complaining step-parents; or perhaps it’s because I haven’t been through a divorce. I was a child of an extremely difficult and ugly divorce and custody battle. Although I am not a Step-parent, I can tell you that as a child I would have disagreed with some of your advice. It really bothered me when one of my step-parents referred to me as “His” kids instead of “our” kids. It certainly made me feel as if the step did not want anyone to even think that I was her child. I say “her” because it was only my step-mom who did (and still does even 30 odd years later) this. My step-dad always considered us as his own without EVER insulting my father. He always understood that our Dad would never be replaced and never tried to do that. But as a step-dad, he always considered us “his” too. To me it is insulting to the child that a step parent does not consider the child to be “theirs”.
You know, I hear what y’all are saying regarding my statement that stepparents should not refer to the kids as “theirs.” I didn’t express that clearly. I think it’s nice for stepparents to feel a sense of kinship with the kids, and express that, maybe even with possessives like “mine” or “ours.” But I also think that some sensitivity to the primary relationship of parent to child needs to be observed. So when Gisele Bundchen told the press that Bridget Moynahan’s son is “100% hers,” that just came off wrong, you know?
-Katie
Ok, I get that. I just think she was over eager to state how much she loved her step-son; it was a blunder on her part.
What a lot of you don’t know, is that this blog entry is just another one of Katie’s little ways to throw poison at the step-mother of her own children.
I fully understand that you don’t personally have to climb Mount Everest to know that you probably need a coat of some sort up on the peak…but in this case, Katie has never climbed the mountain or ever been out in the cold.
How can she EVER consider giving advice on being anything that she herself has never accomplished?
Is she also giving instructions on how to be an astronaut in this blog? Can she also tell me how to be a surgeon? She is just as qualified to teach me those things as she is about teaching someone to be a step-parent!
You cant just be satisfied that your ex found someone who loves your children…but you want to tell her how to do it and how much love is too much?
This entire entry is SELFISH…it is all too clear that it is about your insecurities, and how you are afraid that your children may grow to see your faults and grow to like the woman of your ex-spouse…as much or more than you.
But you will never admit that…the fear and insecurity is too great.
I have news for you…YOU dont get to decide what kind of relationship your children have with their step-mother! That is for your children to foster or deprive as THEY see fit to.
If they want to view their step-mother as another mother…that is for them to decide…NOT YOU!
Be glad the kid’s step-mother loves them.
Deal with your own fear and insecurities.
They will eat you alive.
I was going to say stick to something you know, like producing the news…
but you dont do that to well now either, do you?
OK, I understand that I’m not in the big divorce focus group, as my kids have whats legally refered to as a ‘step-mother’ because of the passing of their real mother, but the step-mother term still applies to her, because no, she didn’t breast feed these kids, she didn’t watch them walk for the first time, she didn’t take my oldest to the first day of preschool, etc, etc, etc.
However, the term applies just as much, and as such the post here applies just as much, and I have to take issue with some of the things.
For instance, one thing I noticed being a single dad is that kids WANT TO BE NORMAL. They want a Mom and they want a Dad. They want to be the way “it’s supposed to be”. When a Mom (or a Dad, but I don’t have as much personal experience with that) is gone, its something that beyond the emotional pull of OH MY GOD YOUR MOM IS DEAD, is also an OH MY GOD MY FAMILY IS NOT NORMAL.
So if love happens between the remaining parent and somebody else after the loss, and this somebody else takes on the role that the mother previously had, why on earth deny any of it? Sure, nobody can replace a birthmother. Nobody knows that more than I do, than she does, and than my two boys do, but to tell this person “that is your role, and it goes no further” is painfully limiting.
The ‘step-mom’ in our house loves our boys (our boys, because we both have an enormous emotional stake in them) no different than a birth mother would. Sure, she didn’t have the experiences that a birth mother had, but the thing is that she misses the fact that she didn’t , while at the same time is grateful for the fact that she has THESE experiences. She gets the 7 yr old with the curls, singing Lynard Skynrd at the Mexican restaurant, and she gets the 12 year old with the awkward girlfriend phone calls. She’d love to have had the breast feeding, and the in-uterine kicks, but thats not what what life had in store.
Yes, this seemed to have been written more for divorced parents, but the same practice applies. If the mother is absent, and the child is receiving love, for petes sake, don’t limit the role, or the syntax, of the step mom (my 7 yr old, two years ago, decided that ‘new mom’ was a better term).
Whats important is that the role of the mother, in these precious little lives, is being fulfilled.
“I look forward to the day when I can write about this important and sensitive issue in the same honest way I have always written about other parenting and family life topics.”
That’s a joke at best.
Your deletion of the post shows exactly how you face what is “honest”.
Where is the integrity in that?
Great life lesson to teach the kiddo’s here…(sigh)
Mr. Glasgow, I suggest you find something more worthwhile to do with your time than this.
I also suggest that you review Strunk & White.
-kag