Seventeen days ago, I got sick
with a virus. The sudden intensity of how hard and fast the virus hit me apparently gave some kind of nasty wallop to my autoimmune
system and my previously happy thyroid. In these past 17 days, I have been hospitalized for
nearly a week, readmitted to the hospital for another 24 hours, and
have spent the rest of the time in my pajamas, trying to both get my
job done (my boss
has been AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL about letting me work from home) and
mother my children, plus be some kind of wife/friend to poor Jon, who
has been stuck doing everything I cannot do (which is a lot when you
are talking about 4 kids, 3 dogs, a giant old house, and – yes, believe it or not – his own paid employment at which he’s actually expected to appear on time each day and do good work. )
Even after all the CAT scans and blood tests and spinal taps and MRIs, the
docs still can’t tell me exactly what the virus was that did this to
me. All I can tell you is that right now, I feel like I was hit by a
Mack Truck and I am trying to recover. The last doctor I spoke to
(during my hospital readmittance late last week) said he strongly
suspects H1N1, but we will simply never know for sure. Whatever it was,
it has given me a really excellent reminder of what it means to be
humbled in the face of something bigger and more powerful than I am.
You
see, I am used to being in control, on top of things, busy and very
productive. And ever since this illness hit, I have been unable to be
any of those things at even close to the level I am used to. I remain
absolutely exhausted – bone tired in a way I cannot even adequately put
into words. Getting dressed wears me out. Standing up for periods
longer than 10-15 minutes wears me out. I am able to sit in a chair at
home and work – phone and computer at hand – but even that still kind
of wears me out. At this point, I have not yet returned to my actual
office. I had hoped to do that today, really hoped to, but there is
simply no way I was up to it today.
Frightened is the way this whole thing has made me feel. I am not
in control. I am not driving this bus. It does not matter how much E
needs me to take him shoe shopping this evening (and he REALLY does), I
have no $$#&%ing idea how I will pull that off, as the idea of
going to a store and buying something (which I did one time since this
all started – a trip to Target last week – made me need to lie down for
4 hours afterward) sounds a bit like trying to climb Mt Everest.
Tomorrow I will start partial work days in the office. In
fact, tomorrrow I have an actual work-related presentation to do – to a group – and
I had really been looking forward to it, so I am trying to draw on that
previous enthusiasm to gather the energy to do the good job I want to
do. Again, I can’t tell you how
much it means and has meant to me that my employer is being so
understanding. This removes a huge, huge stress from me and from Jon. I
know that not all employers are so kind about letting employees ease
back in to work after an accident or serious illness, and I am truly
grateful.
But honestly this whole thing of being “sick” with some sort of non-specific
viral/autoimmune something for 17 days now is beginning to feel, well,
embarrassing. People have been SO nice (I can’t even begin to express my gratitude. I get teary just thinking about it) about bringing us meals, and helping in other ways, but at this point are people seceretly starting to think I am kind of faking? Being a drama queen? Milking
the situation in some way so that I can continue to be treated
“special.” Abusing my body in some way that is causing me to be so
unwell? These are the worries that plague me at the moment. I hate
feeling like people are maybe thinking I am drawing this thing out. I
mean, come ON, who is sick for 17 days with something no one can
actually put a name to? That sounds kind of suspect, dontcha think?
Mostly, I just want my body back. My energy back. My life back.
I want to be in my office, brainstorming with my coworkers and having
lunches with clients. I want to take my kids to the zoo. I want to fix
a real meal for my family without feeling like I have to sit down every
three minutes. Heck, I’d even happily take back the- far-more-than-10-pounds
I’ve shed since this all began if I could just be myself again.
One
smart friend reminds me to surrender. This is bigger than I am. More
powerful. The fact that no doctor can give it a simple name, like
“meningitis” or “snakebite” or “she was run down by a a recycling truck
while crossing Cumberland Avenue” makes it even more important to
surrender, she says. The fact that the specifics are somewhat
unknowable gives it greater power.
And maybe she’s
right. Maybe I need to be more forgiving of myself, because right now I
am feeling like this is somehow my fault, and that there is some
magical SOMETHING I could be doing right now to make the recovery go
faster. To regain my strength more quickly. To get back to where I was
before this began so suddenly one evening just 17 days ago (it seems
like an eternity at this point).
I will be well again. I don’t know if that will be next week or next month, but I will. The thing I am realizing though, is that I don’t get to decide when. I want what I want when I want it… I want to
drive the bus. My bus, in particular. But apparently, that isn’t how this life thing works.
FOLLOW KATIE’S BLOGGING ON TWITTER OR FACEBOOK
READ MORE OF KATIE’S BABBLE BLOGGING
VISIT KATIE’S PERSONAL BLOG
Katie, No one who knows you could POSSIBLY think that you would pretend to be sick on purpose to get attention. Your absolute disgust with being forced to rest for such a long time and your desire to get back into to your go-go-go life are obvious! You need to keep resting and stop worrying if you are going to get back to where you want to be, and rushing the process isn’t going to help. (I know you already know this.)
Lots of other people have helped you but I haven’t done anything yet. What do you need? Can I take the kids somewhere for you, or babysit, or bring more food? Or do some of your laundry? Please let me know how I can help you.
“I mean, come ON, who is sick for 17 days with something no one can actually put a name to? That sounds kind of suspect, dontcha think?”
More people than you might think. May we all be kinder and less suspicious of those with chronic health problems. It does suck, and they aren’t faking it, and our society isn’t set up very well to support them.
Leslie – You are too sweet
We are hanging in there. Food ALWAYS welcome (see, I am trying to get better at accepting help when offered), but we are hanging in there!
Now if you have some kind of miracle cure elixir, PLEASE bring it by!!!!!
-Katie
I know what you feel like. Back in 1991 I was a freshly minted graduate of a masters program, working at my first full time job in financial aid, and got wholloped by what I am calling mono. My doctor, who until then had not met me, looked at me and said he didn’t know me, but wow did I look sick. He drew blood and found seriously elevated counts for the Epstein/Barr virus, which is the virus responsible for most mono, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It also messed with my thyroid. I was more tired than I ever knew was possible. It was such a stupid thing to be sick with, but I was SICK. It took 6 months before I could walk up a set of stairs without needing to take a nap. I don’t know that my system has ever fully recovered. Take care of yourself, let people help and don’t feel pressure to be better any sooner than your body is ready to do it. We will certainly all be here when you get back to us!
Illness forces you to adapt… (It’s a lot like divorce!) You can yell ‘no!’ all you want, but it’s going to happen, anyway. Embrace the journey and learn.
Get well, sweet daughter ‘o mine.
Same diagnosis for my husband. A virus that no one can name which attacked his CNS. Over a year later he is still not 100% but getting better and able to work.
Because his happened 10 days after our second baby was born we made the decision to move him to the basement so he could sleep for about 3-4 months. Literally, every night at 8:30 he would go down there and go to bed so that he would have enough energy to go to work the next day. It was very hard and depressing for him and very challenging for me with having a newborn and an 18 mos old and part-time teachign but I think it was really very important to his healing.
I could not convince my DH to pay for it but I really think acupuncture could help. It helped a dear friend with bells palsy.
Don’t give one moment’s thought to what other people might be thinking. You are convalescing and you have to take care of yourself. 17 days is not that long to recover from a chronic illness.
You know that good feeling you have when you cook a meal, babysit, or otherwise help a friend? Now’s the chance for you to let someone else have that ‘good feeling.’
I’ve had good luck ordering online from Target.
I second the acupuncture recommendation! It will help you relax in addition to the benefits that I’m sure the acupuncturist will explain to you!
I think you are getting a wee bit paranoid about what your coworkers are thinking, but I’ve been there and am a similar personality type so I understand where it’s coming from. Your friend is absolutely right. When these big physical events happen, it’s a time to be still, quiet, and listen to your body while convalescing. Not worry about what the Jones’ think.
So, chill. And could you have had mono? It sounds like it (I had it).
Sorry you’re sick! It is sobering and humbling to realize how easily our bodies can be laid low. And scary. Sounds like yo’ure starting to feel a bit better? That sounds really awful–having something unknown that requires all those tests and hospitalization.
This is all SUCH AWESOME ADVICE! Seriously, y’all, THIS is why I blog. Thank you. Thank you.
As for mono, I think they tested me for that, and for Epstein Barr…
I am supposed to follow up with all the specialists in the weeks to come, so if I am still feeling so crummy, I can ask them what else I might try. Very interested in the acupressure. May ask my neighbor Knox if I can get him to do a massage this week (http://www.knoxatyourdoor.com). He’s amazing.
-Katie
I had something similar — didn’t do me in like yours, but it involved unexplained lymph swelling that caused doctors to test for HIV, TB, lupus, lymphoma, and on and on. Went to several specialists, no diagnosis. Hematologist finally said Cat Scratch Fever, which is apparently a real disease (!) and is a diagnosis of exclusion. Crazier thing was that I had a good friend who was diagnosed with it separately and independently nearly a year later. I totally thought it was fake.
Something that you might try- organic virgin coconut oil. It probably won’t be a magic bullet, but it might help. Could be worth a try. Healthwise, it boosts your immune system and has been shown to help fight viral and bacterial infections.
A couple of years ago my husband had the flu that turned into pneumonia. He was down and out for several weeks. We did something similar to what mamatried did. He went to his parents for a week and did nothing but recuperate. It was a really awful time for him work wise(half his company was being laid off)and home wise(colicky baby), but now it is just a blip in the past. His work was still there when he got back, waiting for him, as was the crying baby. I guess my point is, rest, rest,rest and rest. You will get better. You will get back to work and your family. I am sure that you will turn that corner soon.
I’m so sorry! I hope you feel better soon.
I can relate, though, to the fear that people think you’re faking it. I suffer from fibromyalgia, and things look perfectly fine, but there are some days where I am too exhausted and in too much pain to get out of bed.
I have certainly heard of adults getting felled by H1N1 – metaphorically, I mean. I think kids often deal better with illness because they’re just so naturally light and bouncy (my son was on oxygen for the first 20 months of his life, and he honestly didn’t care!). It is also so upsetting to not be able to care for your kids. Moms getting sick is like a physics equation that doesn’t compute.
I hope you feel better so so soon.
Rachel