Some background: I work full time, outside the home. My better educated, 22-months-younger sister Betsy (she has a graduate degree, while I dropped out of law school) is deemed a “stay at home mom,” even though she probably works harder and works more hours than I do, ferrying her three kids to and from school, piano lessons, doctor appointments, etc. Betsy also does most of her family’s grocery shopping, laundry, pet care, birthday party planning, school volunteering – you get the picture. She also helps out with my children on days when my outside-the-home work makes it impossible for me to, say, get one of them to the orthodontist at 11am on a Tuesday. Although Betsy has primarily been a stay at home mom since her eldest daughter was born 11 years ago, she’s also sometimes worked outside the home on nights and weekends as a hospital-based childbirth educator.
Clearly, this is a busy woman who works a lot, and works hard.
The other evening, Betsy and her kids were hanging out at my house. I was still in full working mom get-up, including pantyhose and grown-up shoes, and I’d not yet gotten dinner ready. I was already feeling sensitive and raw because earlier that day, as I drove her to school, my 14 year old daughter told me she had “decided to be a stay at home mother” when she grows up. OUCH! And that night, two year old C kept running up to Aunt Betsy and saying, “Mama! Mama!“ My children are all very attached to their Aunt Betsy and her children are also very attached to me. I love this about our family. But for some reason, that night, each time C called Betsy “Mama,” it felt like a tiny little slap.
Finally, I tried to proactively deal with my own silly insecurities, which were getting the better of me, by attempting a feeble joke about the whole my-child-calling-my-superior-stay-at-home-sister-Mama thing. I don’t even remember exactly what I said in my lame attempt at self-deprecating humor, but one line of it was, “Because Aunt Betsy doesn’t have a job.”
I could see as soon as it came out of my mouth that it stung Betsy, which wasn’t my intent AT ALL. I had truly been trying to take a swipe at my own shortcomings as a neglectful, self-absorbed working mom. But all my sister heard, after her own looooong day of working her tail off caring for a 2 year old, a seven year old and an 11 year old – a day spent baking for the school bake sale, attending volunteer training for the church nursery, doing laundry for five people, paying bills, pulling together the last details for my niece’s very complicated Halloween costume, and driving more miles than a long haul trucker was, “Betsy doesn’t have a job.”
In reality, my “work” doesn’t even
begin to compare with how hard my sister’s daily tasks are. I know that
there are many days when my job involves things like having lunch with a clever
grown-up at a nice restaurant,
while Betsy’s only food consumption during the midday hours consists of
a banana and some crackers grabbed on the run between Baby Bookworms Story Hour at
the public library and her daily 3pm school pick-ups.
And
yet, I am the one who is deemed to have a “real job,” while she is
described far too often as “just a stay at home mom.” On the other hand, she never hears anyone say that she is “choosing” to allow someone else to “raise” her children. Clearly, we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.
But you know what? Betsy DOES have a real job. And I AM raising my own children. And we have each other’s backs, because that’s what sisters do.
This is me holding 4 week old C., with Betsy, about 5 minutes after she gave birth to NC, who is hanging out there in the Baby Fry Warmer.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! Hope it’s a great one.
-Katie
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Thank you for this. I am a Stay at Home Mom who has (several times)been accused of not having a real job. I have a Bachelor of Science degree (my husband does not), am the President of the Board of Directors at my son’s preschool, hold a Board position at our local church, and have 2 demanding middle schoolers that play sports and have better social lives than Paris Hilton. I am busy every minute of everyday and I TRULY APPRECIATE that you mention in your very public blog that we as women should have each other’s backs, no matter where we “work”. Happy Thanksgiving Kate, and keep up the good work.
Thank you. I needed that.
Thank you. I constantly question my choice to stay home with my two kidlets (ages 2 & 1) because of the pressure from all of my work-out-of-the-home friends. I don’t know how those moms balance and outside job and a family; I admire all they do. But it would be nice if they acknowledged that being at home isn’t about watching TV and eating bonbons all day long. We all work hard as parents! Let’s unite.
Great post.
What’s a sister for if you can’t take out your deep seated insecurities and misery on them every so often.
I too have a close family and yesterday my sister made me feel fat, that I didn’t help enough with thanksgiving, and that I’m a horrible daughter for not going over to my moms house more often. And that was only yesterday!
But i still love her today!
My guess is that C called her Mama because she heard the other young kids calling her Mama.
Little kids are impressionable. i think that charlotte heard the other kids calling your sister “mama” and joined right in.
Very true.
This Stay-at-home mon vs working mum debate has really started to bore me. Now more than ever (because of the recession), a lot of mothers have no choice but to return to work because they need the extra income.
But that’s not really why I am growing bored of the arguement. The fact is that making this huge ‘sacrifice’ to stay at home with the kids does not make for a better mum than being a working mum. Women have battled hard to get the option to work, so to those who choose not to, please stip acting like you’re superior to those who choose to/have to go back to work. We don’t love our kids any less!
I think the point of Katie’s post which was its equally tough staying at home as it is to work an outside job. I have done both and have struggled with both. I have never though one person “superior” over another, we are all in this together and should “support” each other.
I agree. Mommy wars don’t help anyone. Anyway, most moms move in and out of the workforce so rarely is anyone in one camp for the whole tenure of motherhood. If we supported one another better, and lifted one another up more often, then I bet the defensiveness on both sides would abate significantly. Also, let’s focus on getting the US on board with the rest of the western world by advocating for paid maternity leave, more job shares, and universal healthcare, all which would open up more options and more easily allow men to take on more childcare as well.
I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Lucy
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