The one in which I develop mothering vertigo
Has it really been two weeks already? How can time simultaneously
speed up and slow down? I feel like I’m being pulled very fast against
my will through through deep, dark water. The calendar tells me that
these uniquely painful, individual 24 hour periods in which I now live
my life have indeed now added up to two full weeks and one day since H
was admitted to the hospital.
Our days are now fairly predictable. I
get up, help get the kids ready for their day, and head to the
hospital. Jon finishes seeing the kids off – we are SO GRATEFUL to
everyone who has been helping with school transportation – and then he
and C drive the 45 minutes to his office ( a family business where his
mother comes each day to care for C), where they spend their days. I
spend 30 to 60 minutes each morning with H at the hospital, and then I
go to work for the day. After work, I go back to the hospital and stay
until near bedtime. Some nights I sleep over with H in his hospital
room, while some nights his father does the overnight shift and other
nights, other family members do it. Last night my mother pulled the
overnighter. Someone has to be with H pretty much at all times, and
definitely overnight.
and my husband aren’t seeing enough of me right now. They come to the
hospital as much as possible in the evenings, but I think J and E find
it somewhat distressing to see their beloved big brother bedridden and
unable to communicate very well. They are being very stoic and brave,
but I know this is incredibly hard on them. The two of them have lived
with the wreckage of their older brother’s drug addiction for the past
three years; they have put up with a lot and have seen their family
life terribly disrupted due to H’s addiction and attendant behaviors
and activities. But this is just the icing on the cake for the two of
them, who have already been through far too much. They both truly
believed that the 9 months that their big bro spent in inpatient
treatment in 2009 would return him to them drug-free, bright-eyed and
ready to resume the remainder of their shared childhood together
without further trauma. They were probably more disappointed than
anyone – and that’s saying something – when he came home and instead
began using again, at which time Jon and I had to make the unbelievably
painful decision to tell him he could no longer live with us even part
of the time. We had to protect E, J and C from further trauma. We
decided they could not live their lives in permanent crisis due to H’s
drug use. We’ve worked really hard – along with H, J and E’s father and
stepmother – to normalize E and J’s lives from H’s ongoing problems
since that time. We were honest with them that H was getting worse, but
we made sure that their home(s) felt safe, stable, predictable and
calm. For the first time in too long, they could wake up each morning
without worrying about what H would do next to hurt them or their
parents. And as much as they missed seeing him, they were really
feeling better, I think, as we consciously separated the desperate efforts we
adults were making on a daily basis to get H to accept help from our other kids’
daily lives.
and J’s father and I agree that even after this life-shattering event,
and even as we all try to adjust to the extent of H’s brain injury, we
have to try to keep E and J’s lives as calm and stable as possible. But
right now I feel like I am failing miserably in finding the balance. I
can’t yet figure out how I am going to equitably divide my time between
my hospitalized, disabled child and my other children, who love their
brother like crazy, but shouldn’t have to spend these beautiful spring
afternoons cooped up in a hospital room. And currently, even though my
head tells me that my other three kids – and my husband – need more of
my time than they are getting, my heart tells me that I am supposed to
be sitting next to H’s bed, helping him eat his supper and look at
photos in favorite books and making sure the developing bedsore on his
foot is watched carefully. He needs me a lot, and I need him, too. Even
though he also has many other loving family members who spend time with
him each day, only I am his mother. And when a child – even a 6 foot
tall teenage child – is hurting and struggling, he needs his mama more
than ever.
directions right now. I think I am developing mothering vertigo.
other children while one of your kids was seriously ill or injured – or
disabled – I’d love to hear from you in the comments about how you
managed to find that balance, and to make sure everyone gets enough
mothering. )
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When my 2 year old was in treatment for cancer, we had to face this very problem. Besides the 2 year old, we also had a 4 year old. I saw many families who basically sent the siblings to relatives for the duration of treatment, and some of these siblings had major issues for years. We decided early on that we weren’t going to do that. The problem is, a 2 year old doing chemo needs a parent with him around the clock. So my husband and I divided up the job – our 4 year old stayed in his daycare where he was used to going – and my husband and I went on 24 hour hospital rotations. I would go to the hospital after taking my son to daycare, and start my rotation. The hospital had high speed Internet so I could work remotely. My husband would head to his office as soon as I arrived, do some work, then go home to get our 4 year old from daycare. He would hand out with our 4 year old, then do more work at night. The next morning, he would take the kid to daycare, head to the hospital, and I would head home, show my face at work, and repeat. We did this for 9 months. It helped a lot that the head teacher at the daycare was a cancer survivor herself, and she took my son under her wing, often taking him home if we couldn’t get there on time.
It is a tough slog that you are heading into. Employer flexibility is KEY. Our employers let us work from anywhere while we were dealing with this. You probably want to set something like that up with your employer.
I remember that feeling so well. My late husband was hospitalized twice for brain surgeries when he was dying of brain cancer and I and was with him as much as possible. I KNEW he needed me. I KNEW I was the only one who could be there for him.
Now I look back and I know that much of that feeling of being indispensable was really about control. If I could be there 24/7 I could control what was happening and that would control the outcome. And I so wanted to control the outcome.
Look into your heart, Katie. You know your children, your husband, and your unborn baby need you to be whole, healthy, and balanced. Give up a just a little bit of that control, invest that time and energy back into yourself, and trust in H.
Katie, I haven’t had to do this personally, but I have a close friend who had one child who had to have open-heart surgery and a lengthy recovery. She had four other children, the youngest only two at the time. What seemed to be really important was that everyone could express their emotions and cry at times about the frustrations they were feeling. It was just not possible for her to give the kids all the time they needed (and because of the risk of infection, the other kids weren’t even allowed to visit their brother in the hospital). So she would talk to them about how sad she was about not being able to spend more time with them, and they would cry together at times. It truly helped.
The littler ones seemed to need to know that she was thinking about them when she was at the hospital. She would ask them to give her drawings that she could take with her, and would take photos of them with her and tell them that she looked at them frequently when she was away because she missed them.
I hope these ideas help, even a little.
Teresa
There is no perfect solution, but I think one ease would be to have J or E come with you at least one night a week. I know they are uneasy with this, and perhaps one way to handle this is to take advantage of their ease for the literal. While sitting with H., help J. to see what task the two of you could do together. Plus, find those tasks that will soothe during the sitting — knitting, reading aloud to H., — so that the big isn’t so large. I would imagine that, despite their fears, J. and E. really do want to be with their brother; to focus on just the tasks will help them spend time with him.
Day by day. You all will get there. You will.
Can you set up a weekly time that is set aside for your other kids? Say, Friday night, E & J can count on getting pizza and some time with you? I’m wondering if something consistent might help them, even if their time with you overall is still less.
all you can do is your best. don’t add the stress of constantly telling yourself that your best is not good enough.
You can only do what you can do, and your kids will understand more than you think. I think the idea of including them is good. Most important, though, is just to be straightforward about what is happening, what you are doing, and what you need from them, and listen to them about what they need from you. And make sure you remember that you need to take care of yourself too…for your own sake, and because you’re smack in the middle of growing a new little bundle. Unfortunately it sounds like H’s recovery is going to be measured in terms of months, not days. Remember to pace yourself.
Wow, Katie. Again, I cried through reading this, imagining the difficulty of this journey for all of you.
The only thing I would add to the wonderful suggestions here is to be gentle with yourself. The best you can do is an ever-changing concept from week to week and even hour to hour. You love everyone involved intensely and you will get through it in a compassionate way. It won’t be as good as you want it to be, but there are very human limitations involved here. You have only so many hours in the day and can’t do all the things you “should.”
I think it’s sort of like becoming comfortable with driving–you might turn the wheel too much this way, but then you’ll make adjustments to the other side. Over time it will be easier to find just the right way to make those adjustments smoothly.
Why does someone have to be with H all the time?
I am so reluctant to give advice but perhaps a suggestion – this is a period of unbelievable trauma and the beginning of a new mental/physical accommodation for Henry. You have a few weeks before the new baby arrives and your focus will have to shift radically. I’m sure J, E and C will receive much supplementary care and love from family and friends. Focusing on Henry for the next few weeks without guilt or second guessing may be the best thing you can do for him right now. All good wishes to you and your family and please don’t neglect your needs at this critical time.
For what it’s worth, you may want to look at “My Stroke of Insight.” Although it’s written about stroke and not TBI, some of the same factors may apply. One of her pieces of advice? Honor the healing power of sleep. H is likely to be exhausted from the therapy that he’s completing. It’s okay for him to sleep without company. It will help his brain to heal. Fill his room with cards, photos, etc. so that if he is awake, he will see how many people are pulling for him.
I keep seeing you on a merry-go-round spinning too fast. In that case, it’s hard to get your balance or find your entry and exit points. I have kids the same ages as J and E and I am praying for all of you daily. I cannot imagine your stress; being a working Mom is challenging enough but your plate runneth over. I do see other good advice here and I really like the idea of an absolute designated time the other kids can count on you being fully present for and with them. It might help to make this a time you don’t talk about H unless they bring it up.
I have never had to deal with this sort of thing with my children, but my mother was a recovering alcoholic and went to rehab when I was 12. Her years of sobriety before she died of cancer ten years later were wonderful and I have nothing but respect and gratitude for 12 step programs and rehab. However, I think that you need to also think of the fact that your son is an adult and made choices for himself. And his current physical condition is a result of these choices. And these are not choices that were made by your children. Addicts have a way of sucking all of the attention towards them. It’s part of the disease. And in some ways this current situation is a continuation of that. Other commenters and posters have suggested al-anon. I would reiterate that suggestion and really think about how your son’s illness, which has gone on for years has impacted your family and other children and what really is in their best interest now. I am not proposing cutting off H but at the same time he is where he is because he is an addict and that has greater implications for the whole family.
Wow Katie. I think there were some really good responses here. I understand your need to be with H all the time. But at the same time I do agree with Jodine that you cannot control everything that happens to him and with MLB about addicts sucking all of the attention. And with I am me about the sleeping thing. It seems sometimes that you are taking on all of the weight, even with others helping you and not giving yourself a break. Your comment last week about “mothering him through this” was also worried me.
I tend to play amateur psycologist sometimes, so forgive me. But I really do think you need to check out AlAnon or NarcAnon as others have suggested.
And please don’t take what I’ve said the wrong way because I mean it in a positive way. I am truly sympathetic to your situation and think that you are a wonderful, caring person.
set aside some special time weekly for your other kids the Friday night pizza or something akin is a great idea
Having some insight into the situation, I would recommend that you TRY to take some more time away from H in the evenings to spend with your other children, especially your other son. Remember, they have been living this drama for a long time and they (and you!) only get to enjoy thier childhoods for so long. Please, please make time for fun stuff with your other kids, where they get your undivided attention and a reprieve from always thinking and worrying about H.
I second MLB.
It isn’t fair to shortchange the other children who have been doing exactly what they should be doing for all this time, in favor of one who has chosen the path that has led him to this point.
When H came out of rehab he wasn’t high, and I presume had been detoxed. He chose to go back to that lifestyle. His needs do not outweigh the needs of your other children.
Can you and your ex-husband make a schedule so that each day of the week (or maybe every other week) one person is on H duty and the other person is devoting their energies to the other children?
Katie,
I recall that you are 8 months pregnant? You and your unborn child really do require you to be getting good rest. Why does H need someone to sleep in his hospital room at night? If you really feel someone needs to be there and the hospital can’t provide this, I would recommend you hire a nurse’s aide from a registry service to be a “sitter” during the night. Yes, that will be an extra expense but your health and H are worth it.
If the night duty is taken care of, perhaps you could visit mornings and then you and your ex can then take turns being there in the evenings? Your family could then be with you several evenings a week and you would be getting the rest you need. You could still pop in for a quick visit on your evenings “off.”
This will likely be a long, lengthy recovery process and you must be sure to take good care of yourself as well as H and the rest of the family. If you, your ex or your mom get sick that will only make matters worse. Also, you’ll need to have a plan in place once your little one is born.
I am a nurse and have seen families burn themselves out trying to rearrange their lives around their hospitalized loved ones needs and what they feel they must provide. In fact, I have seen spouses end up being hospitalized themselves because they are so exhausted.
Finally, being a mom myself I know that I would want to be camped out at my child’s bedside should one of my kids be ill. The pain of being separated from one of them during their time of need would be terrible. Nevertheless, separating from our kids, allowing them to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes is part of being a parent, isn’t it?
You don’t want to send the message to your younger children that the only way to get undivided parental attention is to use drugs. Focus on the younger children, and visit H for an hour a day, or several times a week for an hour or two at a time when he is most likely to be awake.
I was in the hospital after a serious accident (but nowhere near this serious) and my visitors and my roommate’s visitors wore me out. Even immediate family can be a strain when you are exhausted or in pain.
The day may come when H is released to go home, and you will have the 24 hour care issue dumped in your lap at that time. For the time being, your insurance is providing him with 24/7 nursing care. It’s good that he knows that you are overseeing his care, and that you are visiting him often, but making sure that someone from the family is in his room 24 hours per day is going to have a negative impact on the younger children and on your marriage, without necessarily improving H’s quality of care or speeding his recovery.
My heart goes out to you — the endless series of decisions that you are having to make now, while pregnant, must be absolutely overwhelming. Take care of yourself.
I have a friend whose brother was a heroin addict for many years, beginning as a teen. She is very resentful of all the attention and family resources that were thrown in his direction. Family therapy or individual counseling might help the siblings honestly sort out their feelings. Also, counseling might be good for you, too. You might be able to get some tips on how to balance your family life, while helping you to lighten up on some of your perfectionist tendencies. Also, you, and your other children might really benefit from the experiences shared by others in Alanon, Alateen, etc.
I also have to second MLB. Burning yourself out, pushing aside the needs of the other kids… this can only go on for so long – especially when you are due to give birth so soon! Please make sure that the other kids get enough of you, too. Thinking of you…
Katie,
I think it’s normal for a parent to devote more time to one child during a crisis. It actually sends a good message to the children. This is what good parenting involves, devotion of the highest order. I think if you designate special times for all of your children, perhaps two evenings a week when J. and E. are with you (your still alternating weeks with their father, no?) would make them feel special. This is a major life event and I am sure you are clear in deed and word that you are there for your children.
I’m going to also second (third?) MLB. Your situation is heartbreaking, but it is different than having a very sick 2 year old, or 10 year old, or 14 year old. H is an adult, and while he’s an adult who still needs his mama, you have three (almost four) kids who need their mama, too.
My brother was in the hospital for awhile when I was a kid. My mom spent almost all her time at the hospital. We had a notebook that we passed back and forth. I would put it under her pillow at night and it would be under mine in the morning or vice versa. I still have it to this day. Most of the stuff written in it isn’t very profound, but it was nice to have something tangible that showed my mom was thinking about me.
My mother was very sick for 10 years and I came to the point where I had to make a decision, and that decision was to be responsive to the needs of my children first and my mother second. In that situation–my mother was a 50 year old plus adult who had lived the majority of her life. I do not agree with the people that address H as an adult, 18 may be legally an adult, but he IS still a child, so you cannot address his choices and needs as you would an older adult(as in my mother’s case). Soon, you will have a newborn and many of these tough decisions will be made for you as the little one will demand much more of your time than she is now! Spend as much time as you possibly can with H, work from the hospital when you can, and spend time with the younger kids–the idea of scheduling a time each week may work (and I love the notebook idea from Sarah)–not an ideal situation on any level but just tackle each day as it comes and do your best–that is the most you can do in a situation like this! Hang in there. You are a brave, amazing woman.
Katie,
You seem like a wonderful person and wonderful mom whose life has been completely beyond her control for a year or more now. Dealing with an addicted child, getting ill yourself, getting unexpectedly pregnant, having an unexpectedly difficult pregnancy followed by this tragedy is so much more than any one of us should have to bear. You need all the support you can get. Please consider seeing a codependency counselor. I can feel the mama bear in you roaring through your words, and it is a wonderful and strong and proud instinct to protect your son. Please protect yourself and your other children (and your marriage!) too.
Much love and many hugs.
Like many others I agree with MLB.
And in terms of how much time the other kids spend at the hospital, I think it depends on what they are thinking and feeling. Are they worried about H? Do they want to sit vigil? Are they angry with him, and want to stay away? Would they like to spend quiet time with you and him, there at the hospital? Ask them.
I think it’s all about balance. Drop in for frequent, short visits, or less frequent longer ones. Spend more time with the other kiddos. Try to have some regular family “events”. Like have everybody go to E’s lacrosse game, and then stop by the hospital together as a family for a few minutes to tell H how the game went. That kind of thing.
I love the sharing of the journals. Perhaps one each for J and one for E. I also love the idea of one night for the other children, just for them. Good Luck and prayes.
Whatever you choose (I have zero experience so I’m not going to weigh in here) I think your younger kids would probably really appreciate a frank, honest talk about how thinly stretched you are with H and the baby on the way. Let them know that it kills you to not be able to be with them more and you are thinking of them all the time. Maybe ask them if there are specific things they’d like you to be there for, or specific things they want from you that would help them through this difficult time. Feeling like they have input into the situation might help a great deal, especially if they are relatively older.
I was that child in a situation with an ill family member. When I was ten, my father was dying in the hospital with lung cancer. He demanded that my mother be there every waking hour. She was too spineless and boundaryless to say “no”. I was palmed off to whomever would take me for nine months. It screwed me up for years.
Kate,
Once again you really got across all the feelings a mommy goes through for her kids. It breaks my heart. The worst thing we’ve ever fretted over was a broken arm!
BB sounds very wise for never having been through this. My best parenting days come from listening to what my boys want. Sometimes it’s so simple it makes me laugh. Ask E and J and even C what they want. It may change weekly, so ask often.
Yes, H needs his mom. But does that mean always there? No, probably not. Because if you are always there, when are you getting recharged? How can you be up all the time for him if you never have time to rest?
You are a god mom. Good moms must make choices every day. We always feel we come up short because we want our kids to be happy. Just do your best.
My prayers are with you.
Thanks for all the compassionate, good feedback in these comments. I knew I would get some good advice from other mamas when I put this question out there, and as usual, y’all have come through for me.
A couple of answers to specific questions/comments:
-Someone has to be with H all the time right now in lieu of restraints being placed on him in his bed. His behavior due to his brain injury is erratic and unpredictable right now. He has to be supervised at all times to stay safe. I can’t bear the idea of him being in restraints
-While we certainly want him to deal with his addiction issues and to take full responsibility for his own behaviors and actions – without us enabling him – at the moment he is not even capable of walking or communicating clearly. He has a serious brain injury that has left him disoriented, confused, frightened and unable to process information. Technically, at age 18, he’s a legal adult – a young adult with a serious drug problem – but for the moment, he’s a badly injured, disabled child confined to bed and a wheelchair. So I feel comfortable offering the extra nurturing and mothering he needs now with the understanding and expectation that when the time is right, I will step back, and he will have to face his own addiction. (I hope that didn’t sound defensive; I am just trying to explain why I feel compelled to be with him so much right now)
-We have indeed had a HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, UNBELIEVABLY hard year, starting with me getting that weird virus last October, and then followed by me being SO SICK from the pregnancy for months and months, and Jon had a minor surgery that went wrong and of course, the whole time, we were dealing with H’s problems (although I wasn’t blogging about that; but trust me, it’s been tremendously difficult ever since he returned from inpatient drug treatment last October – only a week or two after I got out of the hospital for the virus). And now, this. This has been our Annus Horribilis (sp?), fo sho’. But I guess every family has the occasional year from hell, and 2009-2010 just turned out to be ours.
-kag
1. Call insurance and request a case manager. That puts all claims to a single person and greatly reduces the number of calls and re-filings that will happen just to get coverage.
2. Ask the doctors to write a script for a night sitter and HIRE someone to watch him sleep. They stay awake reading or whatever and you get an instant call if anything happens.
I too like the concept of a shared journal, and directing some of that groovy, writermama graphomania toward a forum that only your children can see, comment upon, and contribute to could be a meaningful private thing.(Don’t mean to presume … for all I know you’re shooting them 50 private emails a day, but I know I write way more for general, strangers-included group consumption than I do for Milo and Inky, and even if the best of times, that can feel a bit whack)
I have also been wanting to recommend to you (and everyone else by extension) the totally compelling recently published anthology My Baby Rides the Short Bus: The Unabashedly Human Experience of Raising Kids with Disabilities. There was some conversation earlier in the week about ‘special needs’ and I almost tossed it in then, but the discourse showed signs of getting a bit hot under the collar, so I held my fire. Every contributor to the anthology (w/ the exception of myself, the jester whose hippie ding dong tendency toward procrastination resulted in the cancellation of my non-recreational drug-dependent, epileptic first born’s health insurance) displays an inspiring degree of warts and all, Mother Courage-ish fortitude AND attitude. Reading it, you will be in VERY good company, and it might be nice to have a little something that corresponds to the difficulty of what you’re going through, but is not a direct response to a post you’ve made in the last two weeks. Also? Several of the authors will make you pee, they are so funny. They definitely put specific, loving, occasionally irritable, indignant, tuckered out, determined faces on all sorts of family adversity. And I know you mean every word you say about being grateful and bowled over by kindness, but surely there are moments when some good old vicarious F this ranting by folks in similar straits would go down real smoove.
If you slip me your best address, I will have the editors fire you off a copy right away.
I am a mother of 5 and have a very busy successful career. I believe that I have a perfect family and not because my kids are perfect. Far from it. I have had plenty of calls in the wee hours of the morning from distressed friends, from the police and even from the hospital. In January of this year my 19 year old son had an acute psychotic episode that doctors believe was drug related (and not heavy drugs – just pot) which landed him in the psych hospital. I know exactly what you are going through. For two weeks I cried continuously, I lost 10 lbs (and only weigh 110 to begin with) and I had to make excuses to work colleauge, friends and even some family members. I am pretty sure they were all whispering behind my back, speculating that I had cancer because I looked like hell! It was without a doubt the most horrendous experience of my life. I wanted to let people know what was happening but I know how people eat this type of thing up for entertainment value (even good friends) and so I decided to hide the truth. I am not sure how I would have managed to maintain my own sanity had it not been for my other children (and of course my husband who managed to maintain a very brave face even though I knew how distraught he was). Now mind you, my other kids range from 15 to 22 so they are older then yours. I allowed myself to cry in front of them and to express to them how upsetting this was for me. And they continually assured me (hugging me and wiping the tears from my face)that everything would be fine. I am not sure if they really believed that, but I allowed myself to believe what they were telling me. Throughout this entire ordeal they had their brother’s back. They were monitoring facebook for him and they listened and watched for people who may judge him. And this is why, despite the fact that this experience was horrenous beyond words, I still believe that I have a perfect family!! As I said, I dont have perfect kids. But we come together as a family in good times and in bad and we all help one another as best we can when crisis strikes. So in answer to your question, spend time with the children you feel need you and monitor this on a day to day basis and when you have completely burnt yourself out, hide from everyone and recharge. Experiences like this make us better people and strengthen our relationships with the people that matter most in our lives – our families.
On another note – I used to believe that recreational pot smoking was harmless. I can assure you that it is not!!! There is more THS in pot now and there is plenty of evidence that pot brings on psychosis in many kids (in particular boys) at this age (19). We have NO family history of anything like this and 2 psychologist have told us that this is directly related to drug use and likely not to happen again provided my son does not smoke pot. So for those of you who think this wont happen to your kids, think twice and be vigilent in insisting that they do not engage in smoking pot.
There are very strict guidelines regarding the use of restraints. They cannot be ordered until/unless less restrictive measures have been used AND he has done something to harm himself. They cannot be indefinately ordered, each incident requires a new md order and attempt at less restrictive measures. this is not a hospital policy…it goes along with accredidation. If sitters are available (I did it as a nursing student), the hosp/rehab may provide it, otherwise it is a good use of money.
When my daughter was in NICU, I would always be there to see my kids get up and go to sleep. That provided them with stability, and me with a plan every evening of when I had to leave. I would then go back to the hosp to sleep/pump/feed/nurture and wake up early to be home with the other 2 when they woke up.
Maybe do a written schedule for the others so they can know when to expect mama?
Prayers are with you.
Hi Kate,
I am one of those who brought up hiring a sitter earlier and completely understand why you want to avoid restraints. Certainly ask the hospital if they can provide sitters (they try to avoid this if family can do it) as you and your family can not continue around the clock monitoring for long. I worked as a nurses’ aide through a nursing registry when I was in nursing school and often worked as a sitter. If the hospital won’t provide this (but PUSH, PUSH, PUSH them) you can always hire your own through a registry (ask the social worker for references) or, perhaps, inquire about hiring one or two nursing students through a local college. Nursing students would be very grateful for the opportunity for some hospital related work experience as it will help them get a nursing job when they graduate. Many are probably looking for summer jobs right now so this would be a good time to act if the hospital can’t provide this care.
I didn’t mean for my earlier “perfectionist” comment to sound snarky. In past posts, long before this tragedy, you tend to sometimes put way too much pressure on yourself. And now, you have gargantuan pressure and stress with no easy answers. You’ve gotten some good advice here. (Another plus for revealing the truth. I love the journal idea. It’s a great way to keep in touch and up-to-date with daily details. ) Your family has constantly been in my thoughts since this happened. I wish you all the absolute best. I like the idea of a healthcare sitter for the evenings. Bless you all.
In 2007 my younger brother, then 21, OD’d multiple times and suffered from loss of memories and abilities. Seeing him like that was the hardest struggle of my life. The doctors told me to put him into a home but I refused.
Now, exactly 3 years after his overdose, it’s like it never happened. He’s healthy and his memories are mostly back. He re-learned everything and started his life over.
I hope and pray that your son is healed in the same way, and that you find the strength and patience you need to be there for your family.
Having been there, my only real suggestion is coffee, and lots of it. I wish you and yours all the best!
Do you know if his overdose was intentional, is he suicidal? Could his lack of cooperation be attributed to this?
I would get help from other people so you don’t need to be at the hosp twice a day, your instincts to be present for the other kids and your husband have to be addressed. The value of going to al-anon meetings is in all these details you need help addressing. If H needs 24 hour care, ask the facility to help provide care. It’s unrealistic to keep this type of schedule and not have a major fallout from it. Focus on your other children more. They might not want to be understanding. It is not sending the right message as some one else suggested. He is draining the life from your family, as addicts are known to do.
Sitting at his side fretting about the other kids, is not serving H or anyone else.
Having to be there is not really the point. Having been in a similar situation in January I was at the hospital just as much for myself as I was for myself. It helped me to come to terms with what had happened. I needed the time to be with him, to grieve and finally to accept. I could have hired someone to be with my son but that was not the point. Once I had accepted it I was able to back off. Katie you will know when that time is and in the meantime do the best you can for your other kids – they will be fine and they will understand. It is exhausting but how could it be any other way. We are mothers!
When my DH got so sick and I had a 10 day old I had to give something up. I only went to the hospital one time during his stay and really was not much of a support over the next 6 months. I feel pretty guilty about that actually. So, I guess my advice is listen to your heart, know things will change (H is going to get more independent), try to let go of the guilt. What all the others said.
Also, it has taken a long time for me to deal with all the emotions I felt during that stressful year so realize this is going to be a journey. I have also had to deal with the disappointment of not having another child because of this (DH just isn’t physically up to it) which comes with some anger.
Consider going on antidepressants for a short time after the baby is born. There are several that have very little transfer rate to the milk (I think Zoloft is the best) and that extra boost might keep you afloat, help you deal with the anxiety of it all.
What might be helpful for you is having a concrete goal as to when you can ease up a bit. It sounds like H’s recovery will be a long one and you obviously can’t keep up this pace. Are there reasonable short term goals that can make you feel more comfortable with leaving him alone or with a sitter? Would hiring someone to sit with him and then spending a week watching their interaction with H. make you more comfortable?
I think that right now you are in crisis mode and it is the right thing to do devote most of your time and energy to H. It is not his drug addiction that is sucking all your attention, but what sounds like his very severe brain injury. The trick is deciding when you can go into maintence mode and move some of that time and attention away from him.
Even though I’m fortunate enough not to have personal experience with the kind of hell you’re going through right now, I think many mothers can relate to that sense of not being able to do enough for all your kids. When I read your post I remembered a conversation where I told someone that I felt bad about not being able to give each of my kids more individual attention. This person I love very much said, “Yes, I can see they are starved for it,” and it felt like a punch to the gut. Sometimes there are no good solutions. You’re a good mom. Do whatever your instincts tell you and try not to have regrets.