Temper, Temper
Ty likes to go to bed–always has. He also is usually very clear about this one thing. Besides the typical cues like yawning and eye rubbing, when it’s time for bed there are always a few telltale signs: fingers in the mouth; short little screams of frustration about everything; and lots of stumbling and falling. So the other night he is doing his little teeter-totter walk, falling a little too often and one of his balancing arms is now out of service since he has his fingers stuck in his mouth. So we daddies were ready for him to go down, having had one exhausting week ourselves. I picked him up, told him we were going night-night and put him on the changing table to put his pajamas on. But when I put him down he began what turned out to be his very first tantrum.
I think we were both a little surprised at first, not really aware of what was actually about to take place. There he was beginning the whole back-arching thing, accompanied by short screaming bursts that were not particularly endearing at that moment. Then he started wailing like he was being tortured. He would not sit, so when I laid him down he would flop to his side and then try to flip over–something we are not allowed to do on the changing table–EVER. When I tried to keep him from turning over it seemed to anger him more. His face was red and he was screaming and writhing. Finally, I looked at Darrow and said, “what should I do?” I did not want to make him think that what he was doing was okay, but I also wasn’t sure how to proceed. It was such a strange reaction from him, so over-the-top. I was afraid that he would flip off the changing table. Darrow said to put him on the carpet and let him thrash. So I did, and he did. He tried to roll over and get up but just flipped himself on his back in his continuing rage. He reached for Darrow who was on the floor but his back arched again and he fell with his arms and legs flailing. He couldn’t even get any of his words out. It was amazing–a real live temper tantrum.
It was so obvious what was happening. We daddies calmly just watched it all unfold. I didn’t reach out to him or try to comfort or console him–that just seemed like a bad message to send. I think it was a good five minutes before he finally began to calm himself. When he did, I began to talk to him in a soothing voice, encouraging him for being able to compose himself. I stroked his head and put him in my lap. I slowly changed him out of his clothes, which were now soaked since he had been crying and sweating while he tantrumed. I gave him his favorite teddy bear and he hugged him and then his eyes closed like he was going to fall asleep in my arms. I lifted him from the floor, we both kissed him good-night and patted him on the head just like we do every night. As we were leaving he stood up in the crib and began to wail again. For a moment I wasn’t sure if he needed a little more comforting before being put down, but we decided instead to leave the room. We weren’t even half way down the stairs before the crying stopped. When I checked on him a minute later, he had fallen down and instantly went to sleep.
We have had many smaller temper flares but nothing quite like that first one. It is amazing to watch this small creature develop and see his little temper begin to emerge. I feel like we passed another milestone. And it wasn’t scary or hard to deal with. In fact I felt so close to him afterwards, like we helped him deal for the very first time with his temper. I know there will be many more opportunities to help him learn and grow and develop emotionally. I think that is what I appreciate the most about being a Dad–how interesting and amazing it is to be a part of all of this.
–J
Sounds like you waited just a wee bit too late to get him in the bed. When my son is overtired he is hell on wheels. He’ll yell, tantrum, wail, cry, etc….
I did a lot of reading about sleep and found some very good resources, (http://www.babycenter.com)and learned to have a solid bedtime routine and get him in bed each night at the same time. Only under very odd circumstances does he not go to bed between 8:00-8:30.
Try this: before it’s about time for him to get to bed, settle the house down a bit, quieten things down, figure out a routine, and start moving towards the bed before all of the screams of frustration, and teetering begin. Once those begin, you know he should’ve already been in bed. If my son rubs his eyes, he’s off to bed. The routine helps him know bedtime cues and bedtime cues will help him know how to start settling himself down to sleep.
Once or twice, (before we figured all of this out) we were astounded by how excited and agitated out son would be when we thought he should’ve been tired. The irony is that he was OVERTIRED, which made him excitable, wired, and plain crazy.
Not trying to sound like a know-it-all, I’ve just been there before and as one who values my own sleep, I also value it for my son and know that he needs much more than I do.
Keep on keeping on!
Ah tantrums! Such a regular part of my world. Sometimes Michael goes to bed with no problems, other times, despite following the same routine, he ends up crying and kicking. You did what I usually do. Let him thrash it out, then calmly resume.
My son used to hold his breath, turn blue and pass out. Those were the days!
Wow, that must’ve been a long 5 minutes! We have more mini-tantrums around here, although I didn’t realize they were mini until I read about your 5 minutes!
Sending my sympathy!
We recently moved into the wonderful world of tantrums, as well. The first one lasted 45 minutes. It’s heartbreaking to see our 19-month-old flinging herself around, especially now that she has some words and can interject a pathetic, sobbing little, “Pleeease??” The last time it happened, it was brought on by something or other infuriating about the grapes in the bowl in front of her. I kind of figure it’s just a developmental thing about her abilities not yet matching up with whatever she is trying to do or say. (She wanted the grapes to be. . . different. And she couldn’t figure out how to get them that way.)
But it’s also abundantly clear that there’s just about nothing we can do to help her out. Anything we try to do to soothe her just gets her more whipped up, and she gets into a cycle of hysteria that she’s going to have to learn how to get herself out of.
Man, I don’t know what I’m going to do the first time this happens in public.
By the way, what an incredibly beautiful little boy. You are all obviously very blessed to have each other.
It was so beautiful how you treated your son while he was having a tantrum. I feel inspired. I am a gay man who wants to parent and like you, am looking forward to being part of the process of a child growing. I also am a social worker in the foster care system and I appreciate what you wrote about your frustrations with workers and the system. There are some amazingly dedicated and competent workers and there are some lousy ones. I do know that here in NYC we are making efforts to improve the system, but it is so difficult. Thanks for sharing your parenting experiences.
Mohan
We adopted our son from VN at 5 months old and he is now 16 months. Our pediatrician told us that it was a great indication of bonding that your child throws a tantrum with you – that it shows how secure they feel with you. We now joke that it was just to make us feel better when they are happening, but we were very happy when she said it. Anyway, our bedtime has also been getting a little bit hairier recently. I actually think he’s been getting so tired at daycare during the day lately that we need to move his 7:30 bedtime up to 7:00. The book Baby 411 (really like this one and they have Toddle 411 too) said that it’s actually early to bed late to rise for your babies, so maybe that will take us out to a 6:30am wake up instead of 6 sharp. Fingers crossed! Thanks for your candid and funny writing – I really enjoy it and am rooting for you. Your boy is a beauty and your love for him and each other is moving.