(continued from Weird Pregnancy Symptoms: Volume One.)
4. Hyper-Nesting 5000
I do realize that nesting is quite normal for any and all pregnant women and men, too, for that matter. Mine, for the record, hasn’t started nesting yet. I’m hoping to wake up one morning to a backyard paradise but as it stands, not so much. Our boat sandbox is currently lost in a sea of dirt but I digress… Nesting is one thing. Hyper-nesting is an entirely different situation. And mama is seriously hyper-nesting. Never mind the fact that I cleaned out the medicine cabinet this morning and I woke up the other night, sweating, because I had to SWEEP THE HALL RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND OR ELSE AHHHHHH! I’m pretty sure I was the same way with Archer. What has changed is my need to be so uber prepared, like, NOW.
For instance, yesterday, Hal, Archer and I trekked to Atwater Village to pick up a water table for Archer at Toys R Us which just happened to be attached to a Babies R Us, which let’s be clear, I’m not typically fond of. The place gives me the heeves for some reason. Nothing depresses me more than a thousand variations of Carters pajama sets, mass-produced in nauseating pastels. But yesterday? I couldn’t get enough of the place.
“I’m just going to peek over on the baby side, you know, check it out,” I said, leaving my son and husband cross-legged in the puzzle aisle.
“Cool. We’ll be here. See you in a few…”
Fast forward an hour later, when Hal, dragging the giant water table box and Archer clutching a rubber ball, happened upon me, in a heap of BPA free and glass bottles. I had decided on three varieties: these, these and these not including the half-dozen of these I picked up at The Little Seed a month ago. Bottles weren’t all that was on my mind. I also had a nipple-sheild, breastpads, a bunch of first-aid items, a carseat head protector thing, newborn pacis, and like, every little newborn feeding, bathing accessory necessary. Yikes.
I even bought Dreft to wash the layette, because you know, THREE MONTHS EARLY doesn’t mean a thing to me right now.
So, like, yeah. I’m done. If this baby came tomorrow we’d be set which is WHOA, on the verge of embarrassing. I don’t think I had a single thing for Archer until he was crowning. No joke. Honestly, though? I’ve gone completely nuts over here. Please send help.
Well, hello, there. I’m crazy with a side of Dreft-washed laundry, how you doing?
5. Honey Dew Me
I don’t want to eat anything but honeydew and other such summer melons. I’ve eaten entire watermelons in one sitting and just ten minutes ago polished off ANOTHER entire honeydew melon. (I actually craved honeydew with Archer as well and would buy them five at a time at the store and that was it. I’d literally have a cart full of honeydew and la la la… nothing to see, here!)
Today I managed to walk home from the farmer’s market with the usual stash of fruits and veggies AND two huge honeydew melons because DAMNIT! Those suckaz were two for a fiver and I’d be damned if I was going to leave behind some good ass locally-grown honeydew because it was hot as shit outside and I was pregnant.
Ten minutes and three blocks later, I almost passed out. Again, send help.
6. Nip Not Hooray
I have no feeling in my nipples after having them surgically removed from my body twice (two breast reduction surgeries) so it’s shocking to have the slightest sensation at all in/anywhere near my chest. Unfortunately the “sensation” I’m talking about is not pleasurable. At all. It fucking hurts. Anything rubs against my nips and OUCH! Which like, what the…? Even taking a shower hurts like a biotch. I’ve gone eight years without nipple sensation and seemingly, I wasn’t missing anything at all.
On the flipside, I’m wondering if this means my nipples are plotting to actually work this time — unlike last time when three ducts in each nipple BARELY worked and I was pumping bloody milk, at an average of an ounce per hour, which, yeah, not fun at all. Time will tell, I suppose. In the meantime, I’m all day feeling myself up to relieve the sting.
Nothing to see, here!
No, I’m serious, please look the other way.