Hi. I’m Rebecca and I’m a co-sleep-aholic. You heard me. I co-sleep with my almost six-month old and I love it. LOVE it. It’s cozy and warm and there is nothing quite like waking up to this every morning:
Of course, I also happen to enjoy other things in the bedroom that require one or all of the following:
B. Partial nudity
C. My easy-access pants with the crotch missing.
Yes, people. I’m talking about sex which seems to be the first thing that comes up when I mention Fable is still sleeping in our bed.
“You mean, a baby sleeps between you guys at night? How do you…”
“Funny you should ask…”
And then I go absolutely TMI on their asses. Especially if I don’t know them very well. That seems to really freak people out when they’re practical strangers which is fine with me. People who spook easily = people I most likely won’t be befriending so there you go. An easy test!
I digress. Today we’re talking about sex, specifically how one maintains a healthy sex-life* while co-sleeping.
Before we begin, you will need the following materials.
(1) wall and/or large item like basinet or dresser to prop pillow(s) against.
First things first: It is of utmost importance that you discuss with your significant other whether or not you think you *might* want to sex them later. It is very important for you and your “partner” to be on the same sexual page so that if need be, you can wear the pants with the easy-access hole in the crotch because let’s be honest, removing one’s pants often results in a frustrating, post-coital “where the hell are my pants” session which can (and in my case usually does) wake the baby which is a total bummer because who wants to nurse a baby to sleep five minutes after having sex? Not me.
Second things second: You’re going to want to make sure your baby is out of eyeshot during
sex as not to distract you both and make it impossible for anyone to
enjoy themselves. In order to make this work you will need many
pillows. We make due with eight but six will do just fine or if you
have more, that’s great, too. As
soon as the baby is off to the side you will want to prop as many
pillows as you have left around said baby in a barrier-esque way. Be
sure not to stack pillows as not to knock them over on top of baby.
Pillows should be used as more of a buffer than anything else, as in
“Oh shit. I just touched a pillow. We need to scoot our bodies an inch
to the left, now!” (Don’t forget to choose one pillow to
shield your faces from sleeping babe so you can FOCUS.)
You will want the baby to be as far to the side of the bed as
possible without falling off. A wall is preferable but if your bed
isn’t against a wall then you can prop pillows against a bed-stand,
dresser or not-in-use (ahem) basinet or crib so that the baby is safe
and will not fall out of the bed when shit starts shaking from all the
HOT SEX YOU WILL BE HAVING pretty soon. HOT!
was the sexiest picture I could find of Hal and me. And also, the drunkest.
One more very important thing! (This will be easy for those of you on your second, or more, baby.) You will want to keep your voices down. It is a very bad thing when a baby wakes up during sex on account of screaming dirty things and slamming your fists against the walls. (Most parents master the art of silent sex by the time their kids are two or three. Especially if they live in small homes/apartments and share walls/bedrooms with said kids.)
Come to think of it, you should probably keep the “harder! faster!” bed-shaking to a minimum as not to knock or bounce your sleeping infant off the mattress. Unfortunately this may mean you will have to settle for the missionary-position which, I realize might seem boring at first, but soon enough? You’ll forget all about the “stick shift” and totally rock The Mish like A Champ.
Now that you’re huddled in the far left corner of your bed having silent missionary sex in your easy-access pants surrounded by pillows enjoy yourselves! Take a load off…(Ha!)… Marvel at the fact that you are DOING IT ALL! That you don’t have to sacrifice ANYTHING for ANYBODY!
Or? You can ignore this whole tutorial, grab your significant other by the chest-hair and go have sex with him in the couch.
*Healthy sex life with new baby = once a week. If you want to know how to have sex more than once a week while co-sleeping/nursing you might want to ask someone else. Also, I’m impressed.
**Make sure your baby is sleeping before you try this at home.