How to have a sex life while co-sleeping: A tutorial
Hi. I’m Rebecca and I’m a co-sleep-aholic. You heard me. I co-sleep with my almost six-month old and I love it. LOVE it. It’s cozy and warm and there is nothing quite like waking up to this every morning:
Of course, I also happen to enjoy other things in the bedroom that require one or all of the following:
A. Nudity,
B. Partial nudity
C. My easy-access pants with the crotch missing.
Yes, people. I’m talking about sex which seems to be the first thing that comes up when I mention Fable is still sleeping in our bed.
“You mean, a baby sleeps between you guys at night? How do you…”
“…Duet?”
“Yeah.”
“Funny you should ask…”
And then I go absolutely TMI on their asses. Especially if I don’t know them very well. That seems to really freak people out when they’re practical strangers which is fine with me. People who spook easily = people I most likely won’t be befriending so there you go. An easy test!
I digress. Today we’re talking about sex, specifically how one maintains a healthy sex-life* while co-sleeping.
Before we begin, you will need the following materials.
(1) Bed
(1) Baby**
(6-10) pillows.
(1) wall and/or large item like basinet or dresser to prop pillow(s) against.
First things first: It is of utmost importance that you discuss with your significant other whether or not you think you *might* want to sex them later. It is very important for you and your “partner” to be on the same sexual page so that if need be, you can wear the pants with the easy-access hole in the crotch because let’s be honest, removing one’s pants often results in a frustrating, post-coital “where the hell are my pants” session which can (and in my case usually does) wake the baby which is a total bummer because who wants to nurse a baby to sleep five minutes after having sex? Not me.
Second things second: You’re going to want to make sure your baby is out of eyeshot during
sex as not to distract you both and make it impossible for anyone to
enjoy themselves. In order to make this work you will need many
pillows. We make due with eight but six will do just fine or if you
have more, that’s great, too. As
soon as the baby is off to the side you will want to prop as many
pillows as you have left around said baby in a barrier-esque way. Be
sure not to stack pillows as not to knock them over on top of baby.
Pillows should be used as more of a buffer than anything else, as in
“Oh shit. I just touched a pillow. We need to scoot our bodies an inch
to the left, now!” (Don’t forget to choose one pillow to
shield your faces from sleeping babe so you can FOCUS.)
You will want the baby to be as far to the side of the bed as
possible without falling off. A wall is preferable but if your bed
isn’t against a wall then you can prop pillows against a bed-stand,
dresser or not-in-use (ahem) basinet or crib so that the baby is safe
and will not fall out of the bed when shit starts shaking from all the
HOT SEX YOU WILL BE HAVING pretty soon. HOT!
This
was the sexiest picture I could find of Hal and me. And also, the drunkest.
One more very important thing! (This will be easy for those of you on your second, or more, baby.) You will want to keep your voices down. It is a very bad thing when a baby wakes up during sex on account of screaming dirty things and slamming your fists against the walls. (Most parents master the art of silent sex by the time their kids are two or three. Especially if they live in small homes/apartments and share walls/bedrooms with said kids.)
Come to think of it, you should probably keep the “harder! faster!” bed-shaking to a minimum as not to knock or bounce your sleeping infant off the mattress. Unfortunately this may mean you will have to settle for the missionary-position which, I realize might seem boring at first, but soon enough? You’ll forget all about the “stick shift” and totally rock The Mish like A Champ.
Now that you’re huddled in the far left corner of your bed having silent missionary sex in your easy-access pants surrounded by pillows enjoy yourselves! Take a load off…(Ha!)… Marvel at the fact that you are DOING IT ALL! That you don’t have to sacrifice ANYTHING for ANYBODY!
Or? You can ignore this whole tutorial, grab your significant other by the chest-hair and go have sex with him in the couch.
***
*Healthy sex life with new baby = once a week. If you want to know how to have sex more than once a week while co-sleeping/nursing you might want to ask someone else. Also, I’m impressed.
**Make sure your baby is sleeping before you try this at home.
You are cracking me up over here.
You are hilarious. Love it!
Dude- sweet! I always wondered how that worked, but I don’t know anyone to ask that both co-sleeps AND enjoys sex. Thanks for the rundown. Sounds like a crazy amount of prep work, but if the main dish is worth it, what the hell. You’d find my ass on the couch every night. Damn near close to every night, anyways. Cause the Beef is 6 months, and I’m back to getting my scrump on 4 or 5 times a WEEK. You heard it sista. I get some.
Also, if somebody wants to ask about your sex life, there is no such thing as TMI in my book. Ask and you shall recieve, no? I do agree, horrifying people is my husband’s and my favorite pastime (after scrumping, natch).
Haha this is awesome! Great advice — I will totally bookmark this for future sexcapades!
wow you are a clever, clever lady!!
Wow, talk about timing. Another lady on another site http://babymakingmachine.blogspot.com/2009/03/crunchy-me.html , a future mom to be, has been talking about crunhcy, chewy, and soggy moms. The conversation went to co-sleeping and then on to how in world do co-sleepers have sex. Either your reading that site or you have ESP. It really is a valid question however that they don’t write about in the books when mom’s are debating the subject. I’m sure there are many other methods to accomplish your, um, goals. Thanks for sharing yours…. I think….
I’m going to go erase the image out of my mind now.
uh, we still co-sleep and mine is pushing 5. We all love it still and no complaints.
of course we stopped having sex in the bed around 3. he’s way to old. but we make do and it is actually better. couch, playroom, we have the whole downstairs to defile, you name it. but i remember the whole procedure when he was little. anyway, sex in a bed is not the only way right? sex can be anywhere… just let the naysayers freak out and have their safe sex, ha!
I LOVE the quotes around “partner”!
twice a week!
I’m cracking up (quietly–I’m sleeping-child-adjacent), because I was just about to blog about how sex was a factor in deciding whether to co-sleep or not. Turns out, it didn’t matter…because it’s impossible to CONCENTRATE when EVERYTHING–the bed shifting, the dishwasher, the parrots upstairs–sounds like the baby crying!
That seems kind of ridiculous especially considering you could just take the nipple cream OUT of the bassinet and PUT the baby IN it. Or scoot the bassinet into the other room for the duration….
Or just have sex on the couch.
I was going to say…or you go and do it in all parts of the house BUT your bedroom.
And 6 months co-sleeping? That’s nuthin – try 4 years..yeah, we’re working on getting him out, I swear!
This illustrates one of the many reasons my kid sleeps in the other room. LOL I have a hard enough time disconnecting as it is. But whatever works for whoever. ‘Sall good.
After two years of co-sleeping, I guess our routine is well-rounded by now. Downstairs couch, home office chair, washer, etc.! I don’t think we’re getting any less than before. We also have the playpen open by our bed all the time, so we can temporarily transfer him and have the bed to ourselves…
I still love the co-sleeping, but do miss cuddling with the daddy.
Hilarious!
Where does one get PJ pants with an easy-access hole in the crotch? Is there some special store?
Mine are just so old (pretty soon I’ve had them since Jr. High) they have split down the butt. Ha!
I have those same pants. . .
I meant “sure” not “soon”… Hi Mom Brain, Hi.
Or there’s always the no-sex option. I dig that right now. My brain is full with baby.
What is this sex thing you speak of? I had no idea that it involved another person?!
You guys are funny!
My baby is 3 and still sleeps with us. Sex in the bed is impossible – we save that for nights that she spends at grandmas house – having “bed sex” is quite the novelty these days. Other times we just resort to the couch. To be honest, any time I feel like having sex seems miraculous, so it doesn’t matter where it happens – as long as we’re out of earshot/vision of the kid. I can’t imagine what might happen if we have another one…
Since we’re being honest around here… How was pregnant sex? No, really. I am 7 months pregnant, and it totally sucks. There is so much of my belly in the way, and we both end up laughing or just giving up and going to sleep… W were so good before! I can’t wait for regular sex again!
Too funny!! We just turned on the monitor and used the guest room (or the living room, or the kitchen – whatever worked).
Just because the baby’s in the bed, doesn’t mean WE have to be there.
Many pillows around the baby, though, so she didn’t fall off the bed and wake herself up or, um, get hurt. Yeah. Get hurt. Because it’s ALL about the baby.
Leslie? Sex for me SUCKS while pregnant. SUCKS. I know some people are huge fans during pregnancy? Not me. Every position hurt me. It was all very “get it over with dude” because I was in so much pain. So yeah. YOU’RE NOT ALONE!
LOL, that was great. Right up until the end I was thinking…Dude, is your bed the only horizontal surface available? Anyway, making with the sex with an oblivious baby around is pretty easy, it’s older kids who like to open doors at inopportune moments and investigate the drawers in your bedside table that make things tough.
I only like sex by myself when I’m pregnant. I think my uterus “knows” that a guy is the cause of it’s current state… and rejects the possibility of a repeat.
Good call, Elinda. And agreed. I had no problem with solo-sex either. It was the sex-with-other-person sex that was… well… uncomfortable.
haha That is hilarious. The comments are quite entertaining as well
AMEN! Been there – done that! Silence also works well when child / children are sleeping in the OTHER full size bed when staying at a hotel. Thanks for the tutorial!
This is why I moved down the street from the grandparents. I figure they can take a baby for a few hours once or twice a week, right?
RIGHT?!
Or you can just sleep naked, thus removing all issues regarding pants and holes cut into crotches therein
“pretty soon i’ve had them since jr. high” – hahahaha! thanks for correcting that because i was actually thinking about it for a minute. i was like so if she keeps them for a while longer only THEN will she have had them since jr. high???? then i thought what a clever joke! now i know it’s just a typo but i may still use it as my own for something if you don’t mind. it would be fun to watch people try to figure out what i’ve just said!!
our 5 month baby still sleeps in our room (50% in bassinet, 50% in our bed). we’ve got the blow-up mattress set-up in the yet-to-be-furnished baby’s room, so we roll around in there when the mood strikes. or just hush it in our bed when he’s in the bassinet. yummm. all these images of sex planted the seed. that’s it. tonight i’m getting laid! oh, yeeeah!
Well, IMHO if someone has the balls to ask how you and your husband manage to do it with the baby nearby, then they DESERVE the TMI onslaught, haha. Our son slept in a co-sleeper bed, basically just a bassinet that pulls right up next to the bed. We did it all the time. The little guy is probably scarred for life…
I just had to come by and thank you. I read this to my husband, who decided that this turned him on. Thanks for getting me laid.
And…you crack me up.
OH NICE, Nicole! Hooray! Go get um, tigress. Rarrr!
oh snap! this was funny as heck
I really love this article.I am a mother of one,and she is 11 months old,and she has co-slept with my boyfriend and I since birth.I was just thinking the other day that even though she is sound asleep that it would be a lot more comfortable if i didn’t have to worry about bumping her.
thanks for the tip.
also,where do you get your daughters hats at?
Co-sleeping is also a chance to explore sex in other locations. The kitchen, living room or a spare bedroom can add some excitement to your encounter.
Just throw all those pillows on the floor and you can get as wild as you please….still keep quiet though.
Your baby watches you have sex … wat a lucky baby porno at infancy
Sex took a while to figure out, as did not going to sleep when the baby did…I got tired of going to bed at 7 before I got tired of not having sex! Once I figured out that if you follow all the co-sleeping “rules” (no leaving the baby alone in the bed, ever, and no putting pillows, blankets, etc in bed with baby) that I was never going to get anything “done” (hah!), and as I got to know my kid, it sorted itself out. I ended up leaving my sleeping baby in bed, alone, surrounded by pillows. Worked like a charm- I knew that if she woke I would hear her on a monitor long before she managed to get anywhere. Now that she is more mobile, she sleeps in a crib for the first few hours, then I grab her at her first night waking and bring her to bed with me.
I love it!!
Our 3-y-o sleeps in her toddler bed, adjacent to my bed. She usually gets woken up by the sound of the mattress.
Yesterday morning, she told her daddy, ‘Don’t get on Mommy anymore! Mommy’s not a horsey!’ (Repeating what I’d told her the evening before when she tried to play bounce-house on my belly.)
Loved this post!