Wait! Come back!
Today was Hal’s first day of work after three months of unemployment. Shockingly I’ve been able to make enough money these last few months to carry us along. This is something I have been unable to do since we’ve been a couple and it felt good. I don’t like feeling financially dependent on anyone and have been working my ass off to establish myself as someone, somewhere in the land of the lucrative. Not quite there yet but I’m making my way, shoots and ladders, style.
It isn’t uncommon for those working in production (Hal’s a Reality TV Story Producer) to go weeks, even months between shows. Last year Hal was out of work for six-months. We burned through our entire savings and a good chunk of credit to stay afloat last year so to say it was relief for Hal to get the “you’re hired” call this past Tuesday would be a waaaaay understatement. We were ecstatic. (I’m pretty sure I humped Hal’s leg in front of my kids.)
We promptly went out for Sushi to celebrate. (Archer dined on Rice, Fable ate tofu and Miso Soup.) Upon returning home I started to feel funny. At first I thought it was the sushi, but no… It was something else. I was nervous. Even sad. The kind of sad that happens when you’re packing up boxes to move. The kind of nervous that happens before a big test. I had gotten so accustomed to us all being together and I was sad to see it end.
I was also worried I would be unable to do it all by myself.
In the last three months Hal had become my go-to for getting the kids to bed, for finding the toys I had lost, for helping me remember to schedule doctor appointments and my mind. (I’m impossibly absent-minded, forgetful and disastrous in the way of organization and finding lost things. You may say that I’m a dreamer but I’m not the only one.) I was worried that without him, I would fall.
Hal’s being home allowed me the hours during the day to write and work and take meetings, have a life outside of mothering and I was grateful, so grateful. I left Fable with Hal, sometimes for hours at a time and felt no guilt whatsoever. On the contrary, I loved hearing Hal’s stories of the two of them together, pictures on his phone of them grabbing coffee at sidewalk cafes, taking walks around the neighborhood, playing on the stoop.
Sure we had our tough days, fighting, too many cooks in the two-bedroom apartment but mainly it was a lovefest. An empty-pocketed lovefest but a love fest nonetheless.
Today was Hal’s first day working outside the home and my nervous stomach? Totally warranted.
I was a total disaster. I was late to school and late to lunch and forgot my change when it came time to load the parking meter. I lost three of Fable’s toys, including a headband, got stranded with a poopy diaper and no wipes and on our afternoon walk with the dogs, had to carry Archer four blocks after he fell and cut his knee. (This wouldn’t be a big deal if I wasn’t also pushing a stroller with one hand and walking two dogs in the other.) It was hot and I was tired and my phone wouldn’t stop vibrating and I didn’t know where it was and I stepped on my sunglasses and everyone wanted a piece and I was like, HERE, TAKE IT! TAKE ALL OF ME! WHY DON’T I JUST CARRY YOU, TOO, ALONG WITH EVERYONE ELSE AND I’LL JUST BE EVERYONE’S LITTLE BITCH AND FINE FINE FINE AHHHHHHH HELP! HAL!!!!! I NEEEEEED YOUUUUUU!
By the time Hal came home I had managed to sort of pull myself together. The beds were made, the floors were swept and the kids were happily eating their dinners. I had done one of my jobs for the day and yet, there were still hours of work to be done – the kind of work that requires partial concentration and two hands. The other half of my living and livelihood.
“Thank God you’re home. PLEASE NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!”
“What happened> You okay?”
It was then that I flung myself across my husband’s feet, pleading with him to quit his job, become a stay at home co-parent so we could live happily ever after, the way we were last week.
“… When we were broke and happy!”
“If we were any broker, Bec, it wouldn’t have been very happy.”
“But… but…. but…. “
“I know. I love you, too. Tomorrow will be easier.”
I hope so.
***
I hate days like that. When you can’t seem to even come up for air, let alone do anything right. I’ve been there!
Oh no! I’m sorry to hear about your terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day! It will get easier though…The first day of a new routine is always a challenge. My husband travels a lot, and those “first days” when he’s just left for a two-week trip are killers! Be easy on yourself, and be proud that you made it through!
Look at Hal’s smile! That’s a smile of accomplishment, right there!
Congrats!
Hoping it gets easier for you! I’m a stay-at-home Mommy, and I love it – but I have no idea how I would balance it with a career on the side. You’re a brave, strong chick – I know you’ve got the guts to hang in there and make it work! I’m rooting for you!
I have days like that all the time (and just one kid). They just happen and then they’re gone and I return to feeling that things are relatively under control. You’ll kick ass, because that’s the kind of gal you are.
Nice pic, was that taken at the Grove?
I totally relate… my partner is on a ten month contract so she has every June and July off. We spend every single second together and LOVE it. When she goes back to work in August I feel like I’ll never be able to manage. By September, though, things always even out. Hang in there, it will get easier!
my husband is a teacher so, every summer i have him home to help. and when the school year starts again…i fall to pieces. but, i quickly remember how to do things. and then, the next summer…it starts all over again. in other words…i feel ya!!
hope it gets better tomorrow…which, it will!!
Oh man, I feel you. When TBIK went back to work 2 weeks after we’d gotten home from the hospital with Little Miss Kickboxer … oy vey! And now he goes on his business trips again, and it’s great because it’s just us girls–and then he comes home, changes the poopy diapers and I wonder “How did I ever manage without this man?” But I do. You will, too. While Hal’s home, though, be good to yourself.
I’m hung up on a detail: how do you manage to walk multiple dogs and multiple children at the same time? I’m totally impressed. I struggle with my one 20lbs dog and one 3mo. As far as I’m concerned that alone makes you mother of the year, to say nothing of all the other stuff you get done. Kudos!
i feel for you! this week was my first full week at home alone with the babe. it was hard, harder than i thought…but we made it. now it’s the weekend and i feel like i might be able to breath again. good luck and ((big hugs))
cry.
breathe.
then kick ass.
Thank you, Sarah. Trying.
My husband had to go back to work right after our baby was born and then because I didn’t go back to work we ended up make a financial decision for us to live in another state and for him to commute home for the weekends. This means that I get to be at home with our baby and it is totally worth it but it also means I don’t have that “go to” person all week and sometimes I just want to pee in private or take a shower or eat with two hands while sitting down. In the end, it is totally worth it and we know we made the right decision but it must be nice to live in one of those countries that give long maternity and paternity leave. For all our talk of family values, the US doesn’t do a lot to protect and nurture family relationships.
Amen, Amie. Hal actually went to work three hours after Fable was born.
So sweet how much you miss him when he’s away. But it’ll get easier once you’re with them alone more.
Even if you have a fairly goofy husband it is awfully nice to have him handy. Two more hands around the wee ones are indeed helpful!
Fable is such a dumpling!
amie- i’m right there with you.
my husband has to travel for his job. so with our new(ish) baby- being a literal “weekend daddy” will be hard on all of us.
when he wasn’t traveling (luckily he was here when she was born 9mos ago), it wasn’t much better b/c the stress of his job and this newborn was about to give him a nervous breakdown.
so wish there were options to co-parent and have part time jobs that could pay the bills w/o the stress.
Damn jobs! I hear you. My DH quit his “day job” a year ago and is now making his living playing drums. I love, love love having him home all day and I’d be the same as you if he went back to work!
Good luck with everything. You, my dear–are a trouper XO
My husband was unemployed two months (in Nov) before our baby Ellie was born and at the time seemed like the earth was crashing down before us. About a month into it we realized that it was great because he could so so much to prepare and then he would be able to stay at home with us until he found a new job. Having him home for the first six weeks of her life (in the dead of a New England winter) was a true gift!
btw-where did Hal get that fabulous track jacket?
Makes having a hubby sound oh-so-nice. Mmmm. Reads like a love note.
Bryan got 5 weeks off on paternity leave and we were so blessed and greatful but I think it hurt more when he went back to work because by then we had a routine. I missed him SO MUCH and not just for help but because I generally like being with him. We don’t get sick of each other and I truly missed his company.
Your day sounded horrible I’m so sorry. I can only imagine. But dude, you still made the beds and swept the floor? Mad props to you lady friend. More than I would have done fo’ sho’.