Sometime after my son had turned 11, we were at the market in the meat department. There must have been a sale because there were alot of people in kind of a bunch behind us. Well we had passed a leg of lamb and a cows tounge and tripe with my son looking totally grossed out, then he looks me dead in the eyes and asked “Mom, have you ever had camel toe?” Rarely am I at a loss for words but this was one of those moments.

p.s… I later explained what camel toe was.

When I was a toddler I was being a nuisance in church. I slipped out of my mother’s grasp and started climbing underneath the pews and crawling all around, bumping into people’s feet. My mother scrambled to catch me, and when she finally got a hold of me, she gave me a little pinch and whispered in my ear not to behave this way. Angry that my fun was over, I shouted “Ow, mommy, don’t pinch me!”.

I now have a one-month-old baby, and I’m sure I’ll get my payback in a couple years.

I have bright red curly hair which little old ladies loved to touch when I was young. I’d had just about enough of it one day at the grocery store when I was with my Mom, about 4 years old or so. A nice old woman walked up to me and reached out to touch my head. I yanked my dress up to my neck and in my loudest voice, shouted “NIPPLES!” She turned purple and scurried away. I supposedly repeated the performance quite often whenever people tried to touch me.

In the past when my girls would ask for a sip of wine at dinner and I would oblige, they always spat it out in disgust. On our way to the gym one morning, my older 2 girls were begging me to have the juice from the baby’s sippy cup and to quell their requests, I simply told them it was wine in the cup and they wouldnt like it anyway. Upon arriving and walking into the gym with said cup, my middle daughter (4) began to reach for the full cup out of my bag, whilst my oldest (5) shouted (in a lobby full of people) “MOM!! Shannon’s trying to get your wine again!” I nearly died….

While being evaluated at the school district, my three-year-old was asked “What comes in a bottle from the store?” He answers “beer.” My husband was mortifieed. So the teacher tried again, “What else comes from the store in a bottle?” My son said “Wine?”

Just the other day as I was getting ready for work in the morning, I was heading to the laundry room to grab my pants and I was wearing my blouse and underwear. My 4 year old saw me and yelled “Mommy- your butt! Eww, gross!” I just about died; my fiance heard all this from downstairs and I heard him cracking up!

I was driving into the parking lot of Starbucks and as I was turning into a space a lady swooped in and stole my spot. She refused to look at me of course. I responded my yelling out, “that b(*& stole my parking space!”. I found another spot and was walking into the store with my 3yr old. My daughter pointed and said loudly, “Hey Mama, there’s that b(*& that stole our space.” I almost fell over. We left quickly.

A child asked me how old I was- I replied “Older than you” and she said- “EW! Gross!”

When I was about 4 or 5 yrs old my mom couldnt stand this “sister” at our church and would always call her a “big fat fool” how was I not to know that that was no ther real name. So one day at church the lady walks up to me and say ” hey pretty little girl what’s you rname. I tell her my name then she said do you know mines and I said to my moms astonishment Mrs. Big Fat Fool..

My mom still swears I did it on purpose but that is why you should never not tell your kids the proper name for things…

In other news when my son was 18mo old this was when the Lion King first came out and we had to watch it 3 times a day we were walking through a department store and a lady comes up and say what a cute little boy and continued on in baby chatter with him. I watch my son get this face and at the top of his lungs he screams “AHHHH She’s Gonna Eat ME!!!”

Last one…

Does anyone remeber blessing oil used to actually be the Puritan olive oil but most preachers had the good sense to put it in some sort of special canister before calling the Sunday school kids up to put it on there forheads. Well at 3 years old this preacher had his blessing oil right behind the pew and the little people were to walk up next to the pew and get the oil on there forheads. Me thee always observant look behind the pew and saw the bottl big as day that said “Puritan Olive Oil” I pulled the preachers robe and mae him bend down so I coul dwhisper to him Go like my mommy more because her bottle of Olive Oil is bigger Hey I did’nt know

My son loves to tell strangers that he gets treats when he poops in the potty. And on the car ride home from vacation a few weeks ago, he announced that his sister is a girl, therefore she has a “bagima.” My super conservative MIL blushed down to her toes and I thought she was going to hurl herself from the car in embarrassment. The same kid also told a stranger at the park that his mom and dad went to a pub to drink beer. This was at noon on a Wednesday. The pub trip was over the weekend to see my BILs band.

When I was kid we had McGruff the Crime Dog (remember that?) come speak at my school about child abuse and it’s various forms, including neglect (you know, not feeding your kids, leaving them by themselves, etc.). My mom was in the classroom helping out with snacks and things. The previous evening, she had sent me to bed without dinner for some reason or another, probably a tantrum. Having just learned about child abuse through neglect, I raised my hand and in front of parents, teachers, students and my mom exclaimed, “I have child abusement!”. To this day my mom blushes.

My friend’s daughter and I were walking up the stairs at the swim school. This mom with three kids comes by and as she does, she’s clearly having difficulties with them. My friend’s daughter looks the mom in the face and says, “that’s what you get for having three!” I just about fell over!

I used an energizing nap meditation on my mother to help her nap (she has dementia). I told my sister about it later in front of my five yr old son. The next day he says, right in front of gramma, “mom, when we get back to gramma’s house, let’s knock her out like we did the other day!”

A friends daughter runs out the front door yelling, “no mommy, don’t beat me!” they were having a race to see who could get their shoes on first and mom was almost winning…

Mommy, why is that man brown? Mommy, that lady is fat! Mommy, daddy stands up to pee pee and I sit dawn (in line at Old Navy). Mommy, you have stinky breath. Mommy, why can’t that man walk (loudly near poor fellow in wheelchair)? Mommy, how come those people have so many kids? Mommy, we already went to Starbucks earlier today, how come we’re here again? Mommy, my butt itches.

This happens all the time and no amount of discussions about being polite in public seems to curb it. I got a million of ‘em!