Chrysler wants to pimp its rides. MP3 players, digital dashboard photo screens, bulked-up grills … “bling dust” (I wish I was joking) — this is the next phase of the minivan. Chrysler exec Ralph “minivans are sexy” Gilles says he wants to instill some “virility” in the suburban assault vehicle. Unless he’s including Viagra in the glove compartment — it’s a lost cause. Because, plain and simply, it’s. a. minivan.
Remember when “Get Shorty” tried to make them look cool? It worked for about a half-hour, as people thrilled at automatic sliding doors. Then they remembered just what the vans are for: toting as many toddlers as possible to parks and soccer matches. It’s tough to be cool when your car is coated in rice cake grime and smells like a sour milk factory, even if the doors do open themselves.
But Chrysler is trying. It’s next wave of minivans are designed on the same schemes as its popular 300C sedans, a car of choice for rapper 50 Cent, according to a recent Newsweek article. Says Gilles, “We asked ourselves, ‘How can we sprinkle some of the magic bling dust from the 300C on the minivan?’” Bling dust? If that’s the future of the minivan, it doesn’t have one — because all anyone wants in a minivan is room for nine strollers, a comfortable captain’s chair and a soundproof wall.