A Guy
Alright, time to get to the good parts about becoming a
stay-at-home mommy or daddy:
Childcare
is Monstrously Expensive
Our childcare cost over $1,800 a month. For some folks, going
to work and paying for child care is nearly a break even proposition.
Essentially you work for the privilege to send your kids to childcare so you
can work. When you do the numbers you need to consider whether the salary you
draw makes it financially worthwhile. And I don’t mean if your job pays $5 more
a month than child care costs you should go to work. You shouldn’t put kids in
childcare unless the money you’re going to make if significantly greater.
Otherwise, why bother?
You are A Consistent Care Provider
At daycares and preschools, staff
will come and go. Your child can get easily attached to a teacher and
then-poof!-they’re gone. You, on the other hand, will always be around (unless
there is something you’re not telling me). Having that safe sense of consistency
helps create a nurturing environment for your kid.
You Won’t Miss a “First”
One of the more depressing things
about putting kids in childcare is you’ll likely miss out on your kids’ firsts.
The first time your baby laughs. The first steps she takes a step. The first
time she tells an off-color joke. There’s a pretty decent chance you won’t be
around when these adorable moments happen.
You Find Work Stressful
There are parents who use staying at
home as a good excuse to drop out of the rat race. If your job is making you
miserable and you don’t see any other opportunities that look better, staying
at home can give you the sanity you desperately need.
Raising Your Child is More Fulfilling than Office Work
Once again, this is preferential. As
I outlined in the cons section, some adults may feel a loss of satisfaction
when they drop out of work. On the other hand, some adults find raising their
kid far more gratifying than pushing paper.
And if you can afford it, you may find that staying home reduces your stress
level. Many parents decide to stay home after trying unsatisfactorily to
balance work and family. The long hours and the feeling of cutting too many
corners results in feeling burned out. Staying home will give you more time to
spend with your children, maintain your home, and help keep your family life
running smoothly.
Epilogue: Nicole’s Story
So how did my wife’s stay-at-home mommying adventure go?
In the end, Nicole discovered the stay-at-home mom thing wasn’t for her. She
grew too frustrated trying to work on the house or her resume with the kids
bouncing off the walls. The kids’ attitudes got out of whack as they were not
getting the level of socialization, activity and learning they were accustomed
to at school. So the kids went back to school and so did Nicole, she’s now
working on her Master’s degree. Since leaving the stay-at-home life behind,
Nicole found she actually gets more quality time with the kids because she’s no
longer as frustrated when she gets to devote a portion of her day to being an
adult.
Choosing whether or not to stay at home with the kids is
not a matter of how much you love your kids. It’s a matter of what works best
for your family. Every mother or father must make this choice at some point,
and whatever choice you make will undoubtedly be made with what’s best for the
family in mind.
Go Back to Part 1: the Cons of Staying Home
More by this author:
One other pro: Being able to “waste time” on blogs like this. (Yes, I enjoy them as much as any other, but blog- reading is not vital to the functioning of my household; thus, “waste time”.) I can’t help but wonder if many other parents who would otherwise be able to share their opinion with us are simply unable to because they have no time to read blogs.
I generally find housework tedious (though I do enjoy cooking), yet there is a certain satisfaction at the end of the day in seeing what I’ve done in my house, in cooking good food for my family. I also can’t IMAGINE my children going to anyone else in their good or bad moods. I want to be the one to deal with their fits and their colds; it’s my job, nobody else’s. It’s sad that families have been put and in some cases have allowed themselves to be put into the position where they need two incomes. We need healthcare reform AND a reorganization of our priorities.
Actually Teresa, we’re struggling with that decision currently. If I go back to work, we’re within a couple hundred bucks a month of breaking even, depending on how much I contribute to health insurance or my 401k. It should be a Duh!, but it was a shock to us to find out how much day care really costs, especially for the part time we’ll need.
I also know families who just break even, and if I went back to work it would be that way for us.
Ditto Teresa….it’s not quite a “Duh” situation as some would have you believe.
We also just break even after paying for part-time daycare. We do it to pay for super expensive employer provided health insurance. Unfortunately we can’t just go out and buy a private plan because our child has asthma.
I’m hoping when our healthcare situation is revamped more families will be able to take health insurance out of the equation when deciding if a parent can stay home full or part-time with the kids if they so desire.
Barb, I didn’t find anything insulting in this post. He is just trying to list out the pros and cons.
Teresa does have a great point. Even if you do not break even, there may be other things that would make you want to keep working. I decided to stay home with my son, but I know I am sacrificing future career earnings, in addition to what I am not making today.
Actually, Barb, we break even…or even less than that. Each of us make exactly what daycare costs. But we both have to work for health insurance and other benefits, as well as the fact that to take time off for either of us would be career suicide and drastically limit our ability later on to get back into the workforce should something like the death of the other, or unemployment happen. And now that the economy is in the tank, thank god both of us are employed and employable, because if one of us loses our job, we won’t be as completely screwed as we would otherwise (for example, we’d still have health insurance).
With our current incomes, we would be ok if I stayed home. However, because the cost of health insurance (through my husband’s job) is so high, I have continued to work, since my insurance is free and my organization pays half of my daughter’s.
Your comment about, “Make sure you make more money than you spend on daycare, ” is completely frustrating.
First of all, DUH!
Second of all, most people who work full-time DO make more than $1800 a month, or whatever it is their daycare costs. Significantly more; that’s why they need daycare. I’ve never met ANYONE who simply “broke even.” Ask around–most people are smarter than that, and it’s insulting that you think people can’t figure that out on their own.
I decided to quit my job and stay at home with my son. My husband makes enough money and encouraged me to stay at home with him. My husband works from home so we both enjoy getting to see all of my son’s first everything. It just makes sense for us because we are both around and I feel it gives my son more time with both of us and for us to be a very close family. The other thing that we like about me being at home is that I get to teach and read to my son and play with him, and I know that he is learning instead of in a day care, where he may be left to play and fend for himself with a bunch of other children. He still does socialize because where I live they have tons of playgroups for kids his age so he can play and get interaction with other children and learn to socialize. Although we do miss having my income, it is not that hard you just have to adjust. We have and stick to a new budget and it works out great. We do miss a lot of the things that we used to get to do having two incomes, like traveling more often, going to expensive restaurants and getting new clothes whenever we want or splurging on electronics. In the end it is all worth it because children grow up so fast, I feel like I am the luckiest person in the world for having the experience and opportunity to see my son grow up…Being a stay at home mom is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done in my life, and I would not change a thing.
Great article Cole, but I have to agree with Sunny regarding the socialization issues you mention in the earlier article. Especially when the kids are very young, too much socailization can be stressful, and a SAHP can provide just as much, if not more enrichment as a day care can. But I have nothing against day care, I used to work at a very good place and I realize that it is not child abuse.
Great post Cole! (Although you forgot the joys of nap time …)
I’m glad you liked the story and congratulations on getting laid off.
I loved this article. It was insightful, funny and correct on so many levels. Our story: Newly married couple come home from Vegas to find out we are pregnant. Shocker for us as we took precautions (several varieties), and we already had other children from our previous marriages. My two children were a year or two from college and his two children were almost in the pre-teen hormone and sarcasm ages. We made the decision that I would stay at home until our daughter reached pre-k and then I would slowly re-enter the work force. About a year into it my father in law was hired to be a temporary superintendent for a remodel project for my previous employer. Well at day 2 he decided he really needed to enjoy his retirement instead. My husband and I both felt that we had to fill the spot to not burn any bridges as I had worked for them nearly ten years. I had to find a day care or home provider and fast! Day care did not work ….. at all. The first day, cried continuously for the whole hour that I left her there as a test. Day two, still crying but threw up all over two of the staff. Day three, made it through the front door and she threw up all over me. Not a great idea. Our neighbor found us the most wonderful woman in the world, and believe me this past few years I have really come to treasure her very existance. My main problem is that although the job I felt I had to cover for was temporary, my employer felt that I had made the obligation to come back permanently. It has been a little over two years now, and as I am writing this I have been on the jobsite for 17 straight hours now. I have been working these crazy hours for almost 10 straight days now. I really miss my daughter, my husband and being able to rest. They have recently told me that they are going to have to lay me off for a few months, HALLELUEAH!!!!!!!!!!! I could not be happier. Financially, yes we have gotten used to the double incomes again, it will be tough to pinch those pennies again. In truth I will be fulfilled being able to spend at least a little more time with my daughter before her school years begin, and I will treasure those quiet times, what most people find boring.
Thank you again, for writing such a wonderful story.
I had a very stressful (albeit rewarding) job, and a major plus for me is (to sort of take the thought from Sabrina above) that I can space everything out, take a breather when I need to, knowing that I don’t have to rush to finish my workload before its time to punch out for the day just to run home and do all the cleaning and cooking in what little time I have at the house.
My house just runs so much smoother. The kids and the animals get near 24/7 attention, and when I’m sick I don’t have to count up my sick days to make sure I’m not sacrificing a vacation day later. I loved my job, but I’m just better suited to play the SAHM than the executive. I definitely don’t judge anyone who feels the opposite, male or female. I’ve met some pretty rad SAH dads, and I know at least one woman who, while she loves her family dearly, would literally lose her marbles if she were (her words) “trapped” at home all day.
I second the thanks for not bringing up the “mommy wars” and writing a truly unbiased and well-thoughtout article.
I will say though, in reference to the first part, that while socialization is important, kids only need about 3 to 5 peers in their life on a regular basis to achieve the full benefits of that interaction. Large groups of children are one of the reasons (along with separation anxiety) that kids tend to regress or change dramatically when they enter school or daycare. SAH parents need to make sure their kids have an active social life, but they don’t need to feel guilt over depriving their little ones of a class full of their own.
Doing endless mounds of laundry IS boring, but it’s less boring to space them out than to spend one’s entire after-work evening trying to cram it all in. This is an advantage as I see it, not a disadvantage, so being home.
I agree, this is a great post. I am a stay at home mom for now. It was an easier financial decision with twins, although we are looking into school for them when they will be 3. Staying home is working out for me. I definitely miss adult interaction, but I also find this more rewarding than the jobs I’ve had.
Can I just say that I love, love, LOVE the fact that there’s no judgment in here, nor even a mention, of the “mommy wars” or which choice is supposedly “better” for the kids? Great article.
Great article. Like your wife, I find myself in the best situation possible (for me): I theoretically work full-time but in reality have a really flexible job where they just don’t mind if I work a few less hours a week because of family duties (without pay obviously), so most of the time I do, and there’s a lot less stress. I arranged my schedule so that I spend about 5 hours with my toddler each day, which is just great for a working mommy. I don’t really feel like I’m missing out on anything, but I also relish in the time at work, because of the socialization and the self-validation (not that I think you can’t have that as a SAH parent, it’s just that personally I would find it hard). But I guess I’m also just plain lucky since I live in Quebec: I had a long, paid mat leave, and my government-subsidized daycare spot cost us $7 a day. My son is happy, super well-adjusted, gets all the socialization and stimulation he needs… Bottom line, I’m convinced I have the best of both worlds, because I feel spending part of the day being an adult does make me a better mom.