When Should the School Call the Parents?
Life in a small town is strange sometimes. I didn’t hear about the punching incident at my daughter’s pre-school from her or even from the teacher.
I heard about it in town, via the long grapevine of small town life. I also heard it was dealt with – appropriately – by the teacher.
It didn’t bother me in the least that I hadn’t known before – after all, my daughter wasn’t involved. But when I mentioned it to another parent, her reponse shocked me. “You didn’t get a letter? The teacher didn’t say anything?”
Of course she didn’t say anything. One little boy punched another little boy, and the teacher stepped in. She talked to the parents of the kids involved. The parents dealt with it. My daughter wasn’t involved, and therefore I wasn’t involved. I probably would have been more concerned if the teacher was telling the private business of two other children and two other sets of parents – to me.
My friend wasn’t giving up. “But there’s a bully in your daughter’s class. Don’t you want to know to protect her? Shouldn’t you know what happens in that classroom during the day?”
I can see her point, but when I drop my daughter off in the morning, I put her in the care of her teacher and the teacher’s assistant for three hours. I have to trust that those two adults are protecting my daughter, and that they’re ensuring what happens in that classroom is safe and appropriate. If it isn’t, I’d expect them to tell me.
What do you think? Should parents be notified of every “bad” thing to happen in a classroom? Or should notification be child specific?
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Carfree, what are you doing to do about it if you *do* know who hit him?
My children’s preschool also only tells each parent the part of the altercation that their kid was involved with; your kid hit someone, your kid got bitten. I was always fine with that, little kids hit/push/bite each other when they’re too young to handle altercations with words. In my son’s class there were a couple of chronic offenders (in spite of the privacy policy it sort of becomes obvious after a while, especially once the kids are verbal), but even so I wouldn’t call them “bullies”, just kids who were a little slower than the others learning appropriate behaviors. The teachers were able to handle it.
When my son was hit by another child, the teacher told me he was hit but won’t tell me who hit him. My reaction was “great, you have given me just enough information to worry but not enough information to do something about it”
Labeling kids “bullys” the way your friend did is just one of the many reasons us preschool teachers don’t make that kind of information public. If it doesn’t directly involve your child, it’s gossiping, which while often fun, is absolutely counterproductive to creating the kind of environment in which children learn and grow from their mistakes. And yes, it is awesome to know what goes on during your child’s day, but their perceptions and experiences are what really matters. Listening to them, however they communicate their joys, challenges and all the stuff in between. Why give them feelings and judgments they don’t already have?
It is common practice for the teacher to only talk to the parents of the involved children. If the child who was punching or hitting becomes a big enough problem to be called the class bully, the school I worked at would have been already having the “you might need to find a new environment for your child” talk with the parents. But yes, we did get a lot of parents who were worried that we weren’t telling them everything. It is hard to trust somebody else with your children, when you are reading all of the horrible things that can happen at school. Even if those behaviors don’t happen often.
We are having a bit of an issue of notification at my daughter’s school also. I have heard through the grapevine that some of the 2nd grade boys have exposed their private parts and said some extremely vulgar things to the young girls at the school. The principal decided to send all the girls out to the playground and have all the boys (kindergarten through third grade) sign contracts that they will be appropriate with their bodies or be suspended from school. Here is the shocker… Parents were not notified that 1) This behavior was taking place (unless their child was the vulgar boy) and 2) that their child had signed a contract with the school. When my friend, who has a son at the school, called to inquire, the principal told her that she was the only mother who even cared about these things. So, my friend called the administration and now the parents will be notified by letter home when issues such as these come up. I see a couple of issues with not being notified. The parents did not even know there were a whole set of conversations they needed to have with their children. Such as the conversation that I had with my 8 year old about what it means to be violated. (We have had this discussion before.) Also, about who to talk to and what is and is not appropriate to say or to hear. Also, it is helpful to be able to tell your child the consequences to their actions. Such as, “If you are a part of this behavior, you will not be allowed at school the next day.” We can’t even back up the school if we don’t know what they are doing.
However, a preschooler hitting another preschooler comes with the territory of being a preschooler. If he is hitting a number of different kids on a daily basis then the parents might need a heads-up. I have a hard time thinking a 3 or 4 year old is a “bully”. More likely, he just needs direction and to be taught social skills. Which is what preschool is for.
Your friend needs some hobbies. Or a glass of wine. If it doesn’t involve my kid, I don’t care to know. Besides if something really notable happens, my kids will come home tripping over themselves to tell about the newest “scandal” in their classroom. I hear all about the bad behavior on the playground even though my kids are neither the victims nor the perps. That’s enough for me. I think it’s odd that a parent would want to know about other children’s issues.
If the preschool teacher were required to notify all the parents every single time one tot bopped another, how on earth would she have time to do her job? Little kids hit each other; a lot of them haven’t learned not to yet, and even the ones that absolutely know better tend to forget… because they’re toddlers. Sheesh. That parent you talked to needs to get a grip.