Do You Love Your Children More Than Your Spouse?
Strollerderby writer, Jeanne Sager, has been moonlighting this week over at Your Tango, where she’s let it slip that she loves her child more than her partner. If you read her thoughtful piece, you’ll find it’s not a bit scandalous, alas. Instead, Jeanne reasons that the love of a parent for a child is greater because the parent produced the child and therefore the two can never be separated:
“But perhaps the biggest difference lies as much in the past as it does in the future. With a child, you will always be her parent. Without me, there is no her. With a spouse, there is still that life before you met, the period of time when you were two distinct people. I am still me without my husband. Our daughter isn’t.”
I could take issue with this sentiment as an adoptive mother, as it seems to make parental love dependent on the biological connection between a parent and child. I love my children as much as anyone loves her children, but they definitely would exist without me. In fact, they’d probably be as lovable and wonderful with or without me. I know them as someone who met them and got to know them after someone else’s body created and produced them. Even though they came to me days after birth, directly from the hospital, they are the strangers I came to know and love (admittedly, at first sight).
But I don’t think you have to be an adoptive mother to think differently about the love of a parent for a child than Jeanne’s explanation. I think lots of parents feel their children are strangers even if they grew them in their own bodies for nine months. Not every parent falls in love with his or her child at first sight and that’s okay too. It doesn’t mean the love that does grow is any less.
I also don’t think Jeanne means to diss parents–adoptive or biological–who experience falling in love with their children in a different way than she describes. I think it is just really hard to explain parents’ love for their children. Most parents describe an overwhelming instinct to protect their babies at first sight, even if it didn’t feel exactly like “love.” And yet, it is one of the most powerful feelings humans ever experience. And “love” stands in for powerful feelings in our culture.
I don’t know how useful or important it is to compare the feelings one has for a partner and the feelings one has for a child. At different moments, I find I prefer the company of one or the other, and then at other times, I delight in all of us spending time together. But as with close friends and family, I get very different things from my relationships with my partner and my children. My children are dependent on me and I feel the obligation to care for them. This can create a bond of titanium. My relationship with my partner is unfettered by obligation and depends instead on mutual desire, which can make it more “fun” at times than parenting.
I think the two things are very different. I honestly couldn’t tell you who I love more–my children or my partner. If they were all drowning, I’d reach to save the children, but that is as logical as it is love-based. My children would need my help whereas my partner could probably (okay definitely–she’s a former swim star!) make it to safety on her own.
What about you? Do you find the comparison useful? If so, who comes out on top?
See also: Making More Marriages Versus Making Marriage Matter Less
image: artchive.com
Shannon–
I totally agree with you. My only exception in this entire thread has been the way the word love is used. It’s my wish that every parent love their children so much that the little ones can’t help but grow up to be wonderful.
I stand behind my own sense that love for kids and love for spouse are somewhat apples and oranges. But to back up your points, Frank, I will say I read an article once about a study that put half the parents in parenting classes (exclusively) and half the parents in marriage classes (exclusively) and both groups parenting improved by the same amount. The marriage class group also had better satisfaction in the marriage. So it does seem to be the case (at least according to this particular study) that a better marriage leads to better parenting and therefore taking time to improve one’s relationship with a spouse is beneficial to one’s children.
As for “love” though–I just don’t feel the need to compare. I think it’s a failure of language, really to express our feelings for different important people in our lives.
Ms Sager
MsBeck–
Of course you disagree with me. I wouldn’t expect you to change your views based on what I wrote. Nor did I write for your benefit. I’m glad that you’re happy with your life. You say I do a disservice by “…putting your spouse above them.” Am I? Is that what I was talking about? I in no way said anything about putting my spouse anywhere. I said that when two people make a commitment to each other, they need to honor it. When the two people decide to bring another life into the world, they make another commitment. This commitment is to care for, love, and protect this new life and teach it how to become a positive member of society. That commitment does not supersede the one made to the spouse. And it doesn’t change the fact that spouses need to be committed to each other. You also say that spouses need to be mature enough to put the needs of their child first. I couldn
Thanks Jeanne – you said it better than I did when I first posted – by no means was I trying to alienate committed relationships by stating that my husband and I both have a greater love towards our children than we do for each other. But for us, it seems natural. Even if I feel the strongest love towards my children, it’s certainly not a “love contest” between them and my husband
I was raised among some very conservative religious people (not my parents) and I have heard it declared by many of them that there is a heirarchy to love. Humans should love in this order 1.God 2.Spouse 3.Children 4.Others 5.Self. I’m curious if this concept weighs in for those who fear divorce if children are prioritized and loved most? Often, when this was discussed in the conservative school I attended, someone would add that it was always necessary for man to surrender to God, woman to to her husband and children to their parents…certainly a reinforcement of some strict patriarchy, but many fundamentalists see this as the way society should be organized. Certainly goes against biology and protection of rights IMO.
Because this post was about one of my pieces, I figured I’d weigh in. I’m not criticizing parents who say they love their spouses/partners more, but I will say that those who criticize the other side are making some pretty large leaps to odd conclusions.
That the kids will grow up in 18 years and leave home doesn’t change that we are still parents. We change the minute our kids are born or adopted. We are parents. We will never NOT be parents after that – whether or not we divorce, whether or not we stay married. It doesn’t mean we’re focusing our whole lives on them so much as it means our whole lives have changed because of them!
I’m also curious as to why loving our child more makes us destined for divorce. We don’t love each other LESS because of it! In fact, I dare say I love my husband more today than I did on the day I married him, because I know him more intimately. He certainly means more to me today – and part of that is his presence as the father of our daughter (and not just biologically).
Frank,
I couldn’t disagree more. You do a great disservice to your children by putting your spouse above them. Spouses/Partners are equal partners who, (when/if they have children) are grown adults who should be mature enough to put their children’s needs first. Children who are nurtured, loved and given priority are children who flourish. Personally, when I married my husband, it was because we were (and still are) deeply deeply in love. When our children came, we were both amazed at the crazy and unique love we felt towards these innocent, precious little people who needed our unconditional love completely. That intense parental love does not at all diminish my and my husband’s relationship – in fact, it strengthens it and we have a deeper understanding and respect for eachother as we happily sacrifice our desires jointly (and I don’t mean emotional sacrifice, I mean we don’t get to spend money on lavish dates anymore, rather we spend it on swim lessons and good car seats). Parenting has only INCREASED the joy in our home. And for those who choose to put a spouse first, what happens if a spouse’s needs are in conflict with a child’s? Protecting children should be all parents first goal. My parents always put us first and they have enjoyed 42 years of a very happy marriage. And if divorce is necessary to protect a child, then divorce is not a bad thing.
I just don’t get it. So many people saying they love their children more than their spouses. It’s no wonder the divorce rate is what it is. Children are special, wonderful, innocent, precocious, and everything else that’s good. I get that. However, when you agree to get married you shouldn’t be agreeing based on your desire to have children. If you do, then you’re only going to screw up the children you have. Parents need to be committed to each other first and foremost. Parents also need to be committed to raising their children to be healthy, productive members of society. If you love your children more than your spouse, you shouldn’t be married. You entered into a contract with your spouse, not your children. You need to honor that contract. The children will move on and then what? You’ll expect your spouse to forget about the last eighteen years? It’s not about choosing one over the other, and I believe that we should protect those weaker than ourselves. Those that say they love their children more are doing a disservice to those children, their spouse, and the institution of marriage.
I’d have hard time divvying up my love like that. I love my children differently than I love my wife. When we lost our youngest child, it was my love for and from my wife that kept me going. It was knowing that I needed to continue to care for my older ones- and support them through their loss- that kept me sane.
ChiLaura,
“I’ve always wondered what kind of marriage the parents have if they say that they love their kids more than their spouse, and how long it’s going to be till they divorce.”
Well…if we’re still commenting on babble in 30 years, I’ll let you know! So far, our marriage rocks!
Msbeck, that’s funny, I’ve always wondered what kind of marriage the parents have if they say that they love their kids more than their spouse, and how long it’s going to be till they divorce.
Like denise, I think that in some ways I’d be more devastated by the death of a child than that of my spouse; no parent is supposed to see their child die! I’d probably be able to move on “better” after the death of my husband, but I think that this is primarily because my love for my husband is of a different kind than my love for my kids. I guess that I tend to think that this question is almost silly, because how can one compare “kinds” of love?
I don’t know if it amounts to loving my kids more than my spouse but i’ve often thought that it would be possible to survive the death of my spouse. I’m pretty confident that after a period of grieving I could pull myself together and get on with life. I’m not sure, however, I could do that if I lost one of my children.
My husband and I are always amazed when we hear that people love their spouses/partners more than their kids! We both agree that that is impossible for us. Granted, feelings for people close to us are complicated, but children deserve to be the foremost in their parent’s love. Romantic love and protectic love may intermingle for couples and you only have romantic love for your children if you’re a monster…but total love? Well, I love NO human as much as my children. While I feel total love for my husband, it pales in comparison to the strength of love I have for my children. I think that’s because my husband and I both put our children first simply becaue we’re parents and that’s our job. Love for a spouse/partner can also have it’s selfishness “he/she does this for me. he/she makes me fill xyz…” but it isn’t the complete selfless love that I have for my children. If my husband were to do do terrible things to me or those I love, I could imagine losing my affection and love for him. If my children ever did unspeakable things – I would always love them, even if I was the only person who did! It’s simply the way it is. Frankly, it scares me when some people say they love their spouse more than their children – I worry for those kids and wonder what type of co-dependent relationship the couples have.
i love my husband way more than my kid.
don’t get me wrong, i love my kid, but my husband was here before my kid. my kid is here because of my love for my husband, and my husband will be here long after our kid grows up and moves away and starts it’s own family.
i don’t really agree with the thought that kids are easier to love than spouses, or that love for your kid is a given because you created them. no matter what, once your kid is born you have to get to know them just like any other new person in your life. and a strong sense of responsibility for someone may feel like love, but it’s not the same thing.
Well said, Shannon. This line, in particular resonated with me: “Most parents describe an overwhelming instinct to protect their babies at first sight, even if it didn’t feel exactly like “love.” ”
When my daughter was a day old, my husband made some very mild joke about dropping the baby or something. I had, at that moment, a sudden realisation and said “Oh! I could kill you!” I wasn’t angry, it wasn’t a threat, there wasn’t really any emotion involved at all, not even love. It was just the simplest thing in the world: my baby girl over anyone, anytime.
This is a thoughtful post, Shannon. As a mother of eight stepchildren and biological mother of five, I can tell you, in my experience, that raising, particularly those older than nine, is akin to building a marriage. It’s not a relationship that is a given. One doesn’t have the benefit of remembering the feel of those children in utero or of the smells of their head fresh from a bath or of their idiosyncratic infant behavior. But as the years go by, the bond is somewhat stronger. Why? I think it’s easier to assume that a biological bond will always be there and the desire to sustain overrides difficulty. But the bond forged between stepparents and stepchildren requires day-to-day work until it reaches a certain equilibrium. And that investment is one of two people who have forged an important bond, who have made a sustained effort.
I’d have to say that at times it’s easier for me to love my biological children more than my husband and more than my stepchildren. Why? Because I know, at least in the earlier years, that I don’t have to invest as much work in the relationships. The bond is instinctual.
So, in a meandering sort of way, yes I do love my children more than my husband. Because despite our difficulties, they’re easier to be with than my husband, the relationship requires less work and generates more ease and fun.
Without hesitation, I love my son more than my husband.
I find since our son was born that I can’t really separate the love I have for him and my partner. Maybe it’s because he’s so new… but I can’t seem to think of one but not the other. When I think about how much I love my partner, I think of what an amazing mom she is and how parenting with her has made us even stronger. And when I think about him I think about how we made him all the way from an idea and have known him together since before he was born.
I’m not sure if this is making any sense… I’ve never really tried to say it out loud (or type it out loud, I guess).
Shannon – I think this is really well said, and quite similar to my own reaction to the piece.