Hint: We Really Might Know Our Kids Better Than You
The best part of the latest Non-Breeder column on Babble? The author realizes she was being a bit of a tool.
Not that all “non breeders” are bad people. Far from it. But the expectation that they know better than a parent does how to raise their kids runs high among the kid-free crowd.
And somehow, for all our protestations that we might know our kids a little better than they do, comes the insistence that, hey, you can bring your kid out to the bar at 11 p.m. . . . they’ll just sleep in their carrier! Or, in the case of Rachel Odell Walker, the insistence that an eight-month-old belongs on a three mile hike (with a 2,000 foot vertical climb).
I won’t rip Walker to shreds, because she does that to herself in her essay. She realized she was a bit of a jerk, and she apologized. It happens to the best of us.
Unfortunately, there are plenty of non-breeders who are still stuck in the first half of Walker’s essay. They still think we’re staying home with our kids because we’re Debbie Downer. As Walker says, “I believed she could reverse her negativity and stop focusing focus on
difficult things with a mixture of personal will, therapy, and
endorphins.”
In a way, you can’t blame them. If you don’t have kids, you don’t think about the money it costs to hire a sitter. You don’t have to.
If you don’t have kids, you don’t think about the aftermath of a night out on the town, of getting up at 5 a.m. with our three-year-old when you didn’t crawl into bed until 2 a.m. because the child doesn’t understand Mommy wants to sleep. You don’t think about the conscious decision to abstain from alcohol because you’re breastfeeding.
You don’t think about the realities of trying to keep a small child occupied and quiet in a restaurant. Or the fact that that small child has a right to NOT be cooped up in a highchair just because Mommy and Daddy want a night out on the town.
It’s why so many of us have lost touch with friends we held near and dear before the baby days. It’s important that we as parents respect their lifestyles (don’t nag on them for not having kids, for cripes sake, and don’t expect them to love, love, love our kids every minute of every day), but it’s just as important that they get us.
That they GET that sometimes, it’s a lot easier for them to come to OUR houses because we don’t have to pack the trunk full of a porta-crib, diaper bag, box of toys, etc. just to have a night out. That we aren’t being petulant – just realistic. That kids aren’t accessories.
The chief criticism I hear for parents from non-parents is that we change our lives too much after the baby comes along. Yes, we change our lives. But how can we not? Because we are now responsible for someone’s entire life. Is there any other responsibility so big? For that matter, would you tell an airplane pilot he’s being a big party pooper because he opts out on “the fun” the night before he’s supposed to fly a plane full of people’s lives?
I’m not asking my friends to make major sacrifices just because I have a kid. They can go out and do their own thing, have their own fun on their time. It’s true, I had this child; not them. They don’t even have to like my child. But if non-breeders value the person underneath the new parent veil, they will realize, if they want time with us, they need to meet us in the middle.
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I actually sleep trained my child (left her to cry herself to sleep, and honeslty had no problem with it. i did though feel guilty that i didnt feel guilty about listening to her cry. I do not do attachment parenting, and more often than not my mom is more “cautious” then I am.
“suuuure let have some peanut m&ms… she loves candy!”
So for the first three of you who posted, not every new parent is like that.
however, while I trust my mom, I do watch my daughter around “non breeders” (or yet-to-be breeders). My older sister unwrapped a table cloth then gave the plastic wrapper to my then 7 month old to stop her from crying. (which of course ended up in more crying when i took it away). And just this past weekend, my daughter was playing with a tube of eyeliner, i was fine with this because it was closed… then my brother decided to teach her how to open it. even after i repeatedly asked him not to. he thought it was hilarious, i did not.
my siblings also enjoy playing keep away with my daughter, which always results in her crying because they just dont know when to stop.
So while some non breeders are good with babies, and understanding to the parents, some are just plain rude and extremly frustrating.
And that, nonbreeder, makes you the best kind of friend for one of us “breeders” to have
.
Some of the nonbreeders do think about these things – and that’s why we choose not to have kids, because we decide that we don’t want or can’t handle that kind of constant responsibility and make those kinds of choices. Congratulations to the folks who can and do make them! But not all of us childfree folks are ignorant of them either – I have friends with babies, and when I propose something, I never push and allow them to set the limits they need to keep them and their kids happy.
I usually just lump most unsolicited advise into “@$$vice”, filter it, smile and nod, and ignore 99% of it.
Ditto grandparents automatically being fit parents
. Some most definitely aren’t.
Sometimes a non-parent can have a good outside look, but other times, not so much. I’ve seen it both ways.
Having a child does change how you handle life – sometimes it is little things, like needing to know the plans a little sooner than half-an-hour-before you’re to leave, because there are logistics (babysitter, what the babysitter will need, etc.; or if coming with – what to pack for); and it can be hell on earth bringing a mobile infant to an older relative’s home (if said older rellie has never had children and thinks that they should be seen but not heard, and they stay put so you don’t have to, oh, I don’t know, remove the antique glasswear from low tables? I can and do try to keep her contained, but seriously folks…), duration of an event (for pumping/breastfeeding purposes, I have been left in serious pain for reasons like this); or its bigger, something just flat out being at a bad time or illogical like the baby/bar example.
But I don’t expect people to change their plans FOR me/us, just to allow me adequate notice of the who/what/when/where so I can make an informed decision and plan
.
Or that the grandparents ARE fit parents. Some people know first-hand that their parents are not particularly good with children. My parents are delightful, and I love to leave my daughter with them (alas, they live 10,000 miles away), but I don’t think it’s reasonable to assume that all other grandparents are equally enthusiastic or trustworthy.
I was going to comment that I’ve found other parents to be at least as guilty of assuming that they know better as non-parents even before I saw the above comments. What works for one kid will not necessarily work for another, yet parents are often full of advice laden with judgment.
Don’t assume that the grandparents will be close enough to baby sit.
Or for that matter, will want to baby sit.
I totally agree with Shana and Knitty.
These new parents act like the grandparents are giving their precious bundles ground up glass in a bottle… that the grandparents couldn’t POSSIBLY know how to be an acceptable babysitter for a couple of hours. After all, THEY never raised childr- Oh, wait. *rolls eyes* Yes, those parents are insufferable and so are their spoiled kids, more often than not.
Agreed, Shana. I’m really dubious about the benefits of this whole child-centered approach to parenting, especially having recently spent some time with a AP-raised hellion.
The funny thing is, some of the nonbreeders are right. There are a lot of parents out there that are completely against the idea of their baby being left with parents or in-laws because they somehow think that parents that wait out crying are going to harm their kid (trust me I have seen this). I have also known many a nonbreeder that is better with the kids than the parents are.
Just because your friend is saying that you need to get out more and that you are changing way too much for the kid does not mean that they are being entirely insensitive or ignorant to what is going on. Sometimes they are completely and utterly right. Especially this new generation of parents that seem to fear that everything think is going to leave their chidlren scarred for life.