So I was innocently clicking around the ‘ol Interweb when I came across this gallery of Best Pregnant Halloween Costumes over at parents.com. I clicked on it and found picture after picture of bare, swollen bellies dolled up in costume. A couple of them (see photos 3 and 4) made me smile. The rest (see photos  2, 6, 9, 10 — wow, seriously, 10 — and several others) were vaguely disturbing. I thought, “Man, there must be some cool Halloween costumes that don’t require women to walk around with American flags scrawled across their massive, naked stomachs.” 

So I thought some more. And I came up with seven costume ideas for the knocked-up set. That’s okay. You can thank me later.

• Go as Juno: Throw on a striped maternity shirt, a gray hooded sweatshirt, a skirt and a pair of jeans, then carry a slushie in your hand and — voila! — you are Juno MacGuff. If you can convince your significant other to don a track outfit and be Paulie Bleeker, all the better. Just don’t forget to spend Halloween repeatedly saying, “Honest to blog.”

• Go as a Baby on Board sign: One of the photos in that parents.com gallery plays with this idea. But you can do the same thing without painting your belly yellow. Wear a black turtleneck and a pair of black pants, then make a diamond-shaped sandwich board that says “Baby on Board” and hang it over your shoulders. You’re done. A friend of mine did this when I threw an ’80s-themed Halloween party a few years ago, and it looked almost as awesome as the “99 Red Balloons” costume.

• Go as Bristol Palin: This only works if you can convince a spouse, girlfriend, significant other or friend to accompany you in full-on Sarah Palin regalia. Otherwise, you’ll just look like a pregnant pseudo-teen wearing a nice dress.

• Go as an oven: This requires a bit of artsy-craftiness. Take a cardboard box and decorate it to look like an oven, one that fits around your middle. (Don’t forget the arm and leg holes.) The window of the oven should center around your pregnant belly, to which you should tape a picture of a loaf of bread rising as it bakes. That’s right: You’ve got a bun in the oven. Laugh it up, people, I’m here all week!

• Go as Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears, Gwen Stefani or pretty much any well-known celebrity who is or has been pregnant. What, you honestly need my help with this? Nah, you can figure out these costumes for yourself. (Bonus points to anyone who goes as Jolie and brings a posse of children with her.)

• Go as Murphy Brown: Remember when Candice Bergen’s newswoman became a single, pregnant woman, sending shockwaves throughout conservative America? Why not revisit those halcyon days from the early ’90s by becoming Murphy and, what the heck, talking your husband into dressing up as a shocked and appalled Dan Quayle?

• Go as Barefoot and Pregnant: This is the ideal costume for the pregnant woman with absolutely no spare time. Show up at a Halloween party, slip off your shoes and you’re all set. Hey, don’t say I never saved you time.

Image: Fox Searchlight

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