Strollerderby
Smackdown: I Need a Time Out!
The amount of time my daughter spends in her room has grown exponentially as she’s gotten older.
She sleeps less. She “times out” more.
Yes, time out is a staple of our discipline diet in my household. Early on in my pregnancy, my husband and I debated the best methods for behavior modification. Neither one of us was crazy about spanking. But the idea that you discipline with love? That’s the stuff of temper tantrums – for Mom.
The way I see it, I love her so much that she needs to go to her room and think about what she’s done. Or, at least, get out of my hair so I can have a few moments to breathe deep breaths and rip my hair out in little tufts (even more reason to shave the head next month for children’s cancer, huh?).
Time out isn’t an every day occurrence in our house, and it’s not the answer to every infraction. But when my daughter – who at three is now developing her sense of right and wrong – does something she has been clearly told again and again not to do, there have to be repercussions. Like hitting the dog. Drawing on the walls with crayon. Pouring a cup of juice on the floor because it isn’t the juice she “wanted.”
On the first occurrence or even the second, explaining why we don’t do something is enough. But toddlers naturally test their limits. Without someone guiding them back into line, that testing can quickly become habit.
Enter the time out. Because nothing bothers a toddler like being removed from the action. The naughty chair didn’t work in our house; because our little ham would promptly hop off and come to see what everyone else was doing. Same went for the corner. She’d turn on her heels and follow us. Now she’s sent to her room for the age-appropriate six minutes (two minutes per year of age, although it varies among time-outting parents I know from one minute up to five).
As my colleague Kate points out, I recognize that at three kids are unlikely to do much ruminating up there about why their misdeeds were wrong. What I hope she learns, instead, is that Mommy and Daddy were upset with what she did. Because with the natural affinity of toddlers to test limits also comes an inherent desire to people please. Noticing her parents don’t want her in the same room has a sobering affect that a simple “No, don’t do that” can’t achieve. That disconnect from her toys, her pets and the center of attention is the second benefit for the kids in time-out. Suddenly, bad behavior equals a loss of the things she loves. It’s simple logic, and it works.
It works for me too. Because time outs aren’t just for kids. I decided early on not to be a spanker, but I don’t know a parent out there who hasn’t been tempted at one time or another to haul off and whack their child out of pure frustration. What separates most of us from the child abusers is strength against temptation. For me, that strength comes from knowing my limits. Some friends have talked about locking themselves in another room to separate themselves from their kids for just a moment or two while they cool off. I need that separation time to cool off; it makes me a better parent.
While my daughter is in time out, I get a few moments to look at why I’m really angry. Is it because she’s crayoned on the wall for the fifth time this week and I feel like all the talking I’ve done isn’t getting through? Is it because she spilled juice on a floor I just finished mopping? Sometimes it gives me time to clean up the mess or devise a plan for her to help me – a second lesson for her in why we don’t throw pour juice on the floor or crayon on the walls. Like I said – it’s a time out for the parent as much as it is a time out for the kid.
When the kitchen timer goes off, the stressful moment has passed. We can discuss things calmly, and she bears a memory of a punishment that is more distinct than a simple “no” and less emotionally-scarring than a screaming (or worse, abusive) parent. Then we work together to fix it.
Time out works for us. It’s helping my curious toddler find her boundaries, and we’re doing it with love.
Even better – I get to keep my hair.
THE OTHER SIDE: Smackdown: No Naughty Chair For Us, Thanks
Image: More4Kids
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8 Comments
Anonymous commented on Jan 01 70 at 12:00 amI actually think it’s fine if the time-out in the kids room turns into playtime. Often my son’s timer will go off, and he’ll stick his head out and say, “My timer went off but I’m in the middle of a project so I’ll be down when I’m done!” If the purpose is to get the child and parent to calm down, who cares how it happens? If building Lego stuff calms him, then that’s a good thing that he’s figured that out, at least in my house. I send him in there when he’s out of control physically, and he finds a way to calm himself down.
Anonymous commented on Jan 01 70 at 12:00 amI don’t banish my child to his room all of the time (probably only about 50%). I find an available corner, etc. where there aren’t any distractions if I can. I know a lot of people say “time out chairs” and rooms, but sometimes, they aren’t handy. He needs to learn to calm himself down in different environments, too.
Anonymous commented on Jan 01 70 at 12:00 amHow is spanking not hitting? Even if you are hitting in a controlled manner, you are still hitting your child.
JeanneSager commented on Jan 01 70 at 12:00 amWhat about gating off a non-toy area of the house? The kitchen, bathroom, etc. are neutral enough that they’re probably not all that fun, and a gate would keep her in place.
Anonymous commented on Jan 01 70 at 12:00 amGlad to hear others are having the same difficulties that we are (and using similar strategies). I, too, like the 123, Magic system, if only for the consistency it forces my husband and I into. One problem we have, though, is “time out” in her room more often than not turns into playtime. Any suggestions (other areas don’t work for the same reasons you pointed out, Jeanne)?
JeanneSager commented on Jan 01 70 at 12:00 amChiLaura: I’m not arguing with you on the ignoring them issue. I often walk out of the room and leave my daughter to tantrum by herself.
Time outs are reserved for when there’s a behavior that needs to be put to an end – ie. hitting the dog. If I tell her “no, don’t do that,” she doesn’t automatically melt down into a tantrum. And walking away (I feel) in that sort of instance would be akin to giving her my tacit approval to continue.
But on the tantrum end, I do agree with you! I walk off into the other room and let her have it out by herself! What’s funny is when she stops the tantrum for the five seconds it takes to follow me into another room, then starts it all over again on the floor in a new room! Sometimes you have to find humor where you can get it.
Anonymous commented on Jan 01 70 at 12:00 am“I decided early on not to be a spanker, but I don’t know a parent out there who hasn’t been tempted at one time or another to haul off and whack their child out of pure frustration.”
The above is NOT spanking; it is hitting. Spanking is done in a controlled manner and never in anger. Anyone is free to disagree with a spanker about the general method, but conflating “spanking” with “hitting” does all spankers a great disservice.
I’m just curious, Jeanne, if you prefer time-outs to just ignoring your kid in order to get the “mom time-out”? A lot of times, if my son is throwing a fit, I tell him what I expect (“It is not okay to yell at Mama; I will talk to you when you can talk in a big boy voice”) and then simply ignore him. This method works for us, but the reality is that I may have to step over a toddler screaming on the floor rather than being able to ignore him while he’s in his room. The mom time-out in this situation is limited to whichever place I can go to in my head!
Anonymous commented on Jan 01 70 at 12:00 amMmm…we’re entering this phase w/ my son. Implementing more time outs (even in public) but using the counting system (as expressed in the book 1-2-3 Magic). It works!
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