Strollerderby
They Say: Staying Together for the Kids? Don’t
How many times have you heard someone in marital distress say they’re just trying to make it through for the kids? Might want to give them a hug next time and tell them they shouldn’t worry about it.
A new study has found what plenty of kids of bitter, bickering parents already knew: staying together for the kids doesn’t work.
Looking at teens from almost two thousands households and tracking them through to their early thirties, the study out of Cornell University in New York linked “exposure to parental conflict in adolescence . . . with poorer academic achievement, increased substance use
and early family formation and dissolution, often in ways
indistinguishable from living in a stepfather or single-mother family.”
Again, not totally surprised here. But it’s an important finding FOR parents who have long sought comfort as they navigate the difficult road of divorce. The dissolution of a relationship is almost never easy, and blame is quite often the name of the game. When kids are involved, the ante is upped as couples have to factor in more than just the two people in the marriage itself.
Studies have already found that divorce does not change the way a person parents. If you’re doing a good job before the split, there’s no reason to think you’ll fall down on the job after the decree becomes final.
Parents should also take a long, hard look at their kids pre-split. Poor behavior that parents have often associated with post-divorce stress has been found to be something parents were overlooking in the midst of their marital discord. It was already there. The good news? Researchers say it doesn’t actually get worse.
At the end of the day, I could never tell someone, “hey, yeah, get divorced.” That’s a very personal decision. But knowing you’re worrying about your kids in the process means you’re already far ahead of a lot of parents.
Image: OrlandoNest
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3 Comments
Anonymous commented on Jan 01 70 at 12:00 amAnon gal and Alsoanon: My mother was in this situation repeatedly with my father. Every few years he would have an affair, “fall in love” with the other woman, and want “something more” than their marraige. And each time it happened, my mom had to talk sense into him so that he would end the affair and come back to the marriage. I watched this happen for 25 years, until he met the last one, and proposed that he could have relationships with both of them. My mom finally said “enough.” Now she’s in her sixties and starting over, but doing etter than ever. Do yourself a favor, and let him go. I can’t say how your kids will react, but I think that showing your children that you are a woman of standards and strength doesn’t sound like a bad idea.
Anonymous commented on Jan 01 70 at 12:00 amHate to say it, but sounds like there’s someone else. I know — I heard the same thing and found out what was really going on.
Huh. I am contemplating divorce and this was actually very comforting. Thanks, Babble.
Anonymous commented on Jan 01 70 at 12:00 amMy hubby and I get along great – we share chores, childcare, income earning… But he wants to get a divorce because our marriage is not “enough” and I don’t “excite him”… Any thoughts on THAT? Midlife crisis? I’m at a loss.
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