Let’s see if I can get this topic back from the “stay at home mom” to the “stay at home wife”

I am a university student about to receive my BA of nursing degree in approximately a year. After graduating I plan to be a stay at home wife for a while until I have children. I grew up in a very … how do I say “don’t ever let a man run your life” sort of household. However, my life goal is to stay home, continue with my red cross charity work and take care of the house/husband. Shortly after moving in with my husband I realized what made me happy. I felt satisfied when I cooked meals, cleaned the house and made sure the grass was watered. I am a much happier person because I have found my own “click” in society.

I think that it is extremely ‘snarky’ to say that stay at home wives do not add to society. If me choosing to stay at home makes me happy and my husband happy then at least that it two people that are happier!

Everyone has their ‘calling’ and it is not for me or anyone to judge what makes them happy. If you are a hard working engineer and it makes you happy, then that is wonderful! As long as what you do makes you happy There is already too much negativity in this world for us to be judging others on a stupid web blog ;D

I am a full time SAHW, mother of 2 semi-launched young adults, soapmaker, & wife for 30 years. I am proud to say that I am a homemaker….I feel no shame…but I am totally frustrated at the societal attitude towards homemakers.
If others have a problem with our choice to be a homemaker it is just “their problem” This is my choice, it works for me and my family. I find it hard to swallow when others somehow find the need to judge my decision to live my own life like I see fit. Why is it that I have to explain myself for my choices. Today, it seems that I am like the “working woman” of the fifties that was looked down upon with suspect for her choice to work outside the home…wrong then and wrong now…women who choose to work within the home today should NOT be looked down upon ….People should just let human beings be who they are and make the choices that are right for them personally.
I work my butt off, in the home…we have more money with me at home than we would make if I worked full time..I am a penny pincher…..and run a strict family budget. I have a small soapmaking venture that pays for the family vacation every year… I make all homemade cleaning supplies, I cook, clean, sew, and NO bon bon’s are not part of my food plan…and I feel that if one more person asks me what I do all day…I will just scream….I don’t make judgements of those who are in the workplace …I champion women’s rights, issues, and feminist values….I am a homemaker that is a true feminist…I honor a woman’s right to choose the path for her life…and this is my path….all that most homemakers ask for is the same respect and dignity to be given to them ….as is given to the woman who chooses work outside the home…Women it is time we support our cause of “the right to choose our path” instead of slamming each other for the choices we make….

This is another societal “status symbol” for the rising white bourgeois. This doesn’t happen hardly (if at all) in other cultures residing in this country let alone the state of Texas. I’m not sure how things are in other cities across the U.S., but I live in Dallas and this sort of thing is common-place. For example, the suburbs of Plano and Frisco are crawling with these trophy wives who ride around in Range Rovers, Escalades, and Mercedes with shiny wheels, big sunglasses, and the latest fashion from some $uper expen$ive boutique store all on the husband’s dime. This is directed at the households that have zero kids – just two people. I can definitely understand this situation if there are newborns and very young children involved. But this is not the case from my observations. If this sort of arrangement works for their household/marriage, then so be it. Personally, I think it’s disgusting that these women do nothing all day but supposedly “clean and run errands”. Please. Its mass consumerism and self beautification. For two people in a generous home for the neighborhoods I described above would amount to about 2 hours worth of work 2 or 3 times a week – Hardly a real job if you asked me.

Wait a second, feminisim is NOT about equality. If it was,we could all try out for any old team in professional sports. Feminism is about EQUITY, which is a whole different ballgame. It means that not everyone can pitch so why should we all try? Some of us are damn good in the outfield and you still need those folks on the team, so recognize their contributions, value what they bring to the table. One size does not fit all. Equity means we have a wide range of sizes and we all have the same opportunity to pick what fits us best. Thisis real feminism, and when it is embraced by women who value the concept of equity, we will have no use for this stupid debate.

Before my husband and I had our daughter, I was doing my Masters part-time and teaching aerobics classes. To be completely honest, I felt really bored sometimes. It’s like I had to have something to do so I would either go work out like crazy or make elaborate meals.

I don’t know how truly bored I would have been had I not been working on my Masters degree and teaching aerobics. I would have searched out intently for a full-time job to give me something to do.

I’ve been a mom for nearly 18 months and sometimes I itch for at least a good part-time job because I enjoy working. I guess that if these women are doing something like volunteer work or helping out in the community, I can understand their fulfillment. If they aren’t doing anything, aside from shopping and cleaning the house, they must be really bored. Or maybe they work out all day at the gym. Anyways, whatever they do in their business and between their husbands and them. However I couldn’t see myself in that position.

I believe that it is the choice of both the man and woman. As long as it is agreeable between both to work or stay home the option is there. I myself work a full time job and make ends meet. My wife is on and off again with work. I understand that not every job is right for someone and the person should be giving the chance to find his or her true calling as long as it fesiable. I am very libreal. I was brought up in a home of two sisters and a mother. My father was not around. My first mirrage ended and I got the kids. So far my second mirrage has been going. But communication between the two of us is key.

SarahJ, yep, that’s what the patriarchy has always wanted women to think. Glad to see you spout their ranks.

Amy Lutz, I think the real question should be ‘Should women who work or stay at home care about your damn opinion?’ The answer should obviously be NO!

At what point did this become about stay-at-home moms and not stay-at-home-wives? It is very easy to take a piece of writing and dissect to a person’s convenience. For those of you who state that people with talents are not paid well, what type talents are you referring to? Singing, acting, painting, sculpting…? This is very offensive. My husband, an engineer, is awesome in math, can figure out computer languages in a jiffy, and create computer programs. This allows him to earn a very decent living for both of us. He plays basketball exceptionally well but unfortunately was injured and could not pursue this passion. He also plays guitar very well and for a brief period of his life earned a living by performing in public places such as framer’s markets, malls, etc. The pay was decent but not great. So, you tell me, which of these is a talent?
I play several insturments, like cooking and do it well, and am a decent singer. I am also a research scientist going for my PhD and am good at what I do. Which of these do you conisder a talent?
SAHM and SAHW seem to be fidgeting in there seats too much, and find it necessary to defend their positions. I just want to reach out and brush the chip off your shoulder. You don’t need to defend them, SAHM, let your work speak for itself. SAHW, I do believe that one way of showing solidarity with you husbands is to work or study: be it charitable work, wage-earning work, classes that keep up your skills and/or education. I know there are exceptions such a taking care of an ill relative. If one day he decides to take a sabbatical, becomes ill, or is injured he will not be stressed knowing that you can take over. If, God forbid, he passes away or you divorce, then you can jump in and care for yourselves. Even if you are a Trump you need to keep yourselves busy and up-to-date. If you are a Trump then you better move your butts because there are a lot of people who need you.

I had the best of both worlds. I have been married going on 29 yrs now and raised 3 girls in that time. I decided when my young started Kinergarden I would go back to school. At the time my husband was working afternoon. So it worked out great for me. Thur all that we even tryied to open a couple of businesses and even sent the kids to private shcool. I now astay at home wife due to health reason. And I do not regret the road I took to get here. Be glad you have a choice to choose you path. I watched how my parents did it and took it from there.

“Reject everything feminism has worked so hard to achieve” ? To me this is a choice every woman should have … isn’t feminism about making your own choices? If a woman chooses to stay at home and take care of the household and her husband more power to her … this country was founded on family and should get back to those values … maybe if the families in this country tried to model what the families were 60 years ago than 1/2 of them wouldn’t end up in divorce … what’s this country coming to? And who says a college education is the best choice anyway? Is a Ph.D gonna save your marriage when it’s falling apart?? NO … time and effort is which is what stay at home wives are putting into it!

“Being a stay-at-home mother is a risky but benevolent choice that clearly can benefit your children. Just being a stay-at-home wife and taking care of your home, though, is parasitic.”

Benevolent towards whom?

You are benefiting your child by staying home. Right? And you obviously have a selfish investment in how your child turns out. Because it’s your child. You likely didn’t make that choice for the good of society. (Although I’ll give you that if our kids are happy and educated, etc…it’s good for society.)

So it’s still really kind of selfish when you think about it. (The desire for children is inherently selfish.) What about all the moms who can’t afford to stay home with their children? Aren’t you actually hurting their chances of success and happiness by giving your child the luxury of your time when others can’t?

Just seems like a weird division there. It’s not like being a SAHM is comparable to being Mother Teresa.

OK, “SAHW”s….at LEAST please stop pretending that you’re doing work equivalent to an actual job. “So you are saying if you pay a housekeeper to clean your house and do your laundry then you consider it work. But if one person in a marriage or partnership wants to stay home and do the same then it’s not? ” *Absolutely it’s not*!! Housecleaners clean 3 or 4 entire houses a day, every day. You are cleaning one once a week. Doesn’t count. Plus, those of us that work are doing our jobs plus that “job”. And there’s no question which one’s harder and requires a brain of some sort. Bunny, you got it right!!! Lazy!

Just because a woman is employed outside the home does not mean that she is educated or contributing to the greater good of humanity. Listen, I know plenty of working women who slave away at menial jobs just to pay for their weekly manicures and weekend partying. Meanwhile, their families are neglected and in crisis. You can’t pigeonhole the stay-at-home wife/mother or the working woman.

I am a stay-at-home mother and wife. My children are grown and although I went back for my master’s degree, I opted not to take a paying job. We are not wealthy, but we prefer to sacrifice money in order to have a smoothly running household. I feel fortunate to be able to spend my time focusing on my family vs. an ungrateful company. And yes, I have time to enjoy pursuits as continuing education, art, charity work, church, hobbies and (yikes!) reading good books!And by a pool, no less! Shame on me? What kind of fool wouldn’t want to take this option? Does it give you “self respect” to fight traffic, spend an hour of “quality time” with the kids doing homework, cook, clean, plop into bed and get up early the next day to continue the vicious cycle?

My husband gets many perks for having a stay-at-home wife who provides a happy home, including a clean house, great kids, and lots of s*x because I am not burned out at the end of the day. My self respect comes from a 23-year marriage during a time when divorce runs rampant, amazing children who consider their parents their best friends, volunteer work that might actually contribute to the greater good, and deep appreciation for continuing self discovery.

If Ms. Lutz thinks the only way one can be of value is through a paycheck, she is shallow and short-sighted. Some of the most important people throughout history who have contributed to humanity through pioneeering ideas, inventions and art did not have “jobs.”

A job doesn’t not define individual worth. Employment vs. unemployment has nothing to do with a thinking person’s life path.

Why must women judge each other anyway? Live and let live. There are far more troubling issues of society to deal with than “unemployed wives.” Let’s get on with it.

I’m a 20 year old college student. I don’t think it’s fair to judge a woman who chooses not to work because, unless I’m mistaken, the point of feminism was to give women the opportunities and choices that they didn’t have before. Women should have every opportunity to enter the work force. However, I don’t think they should feel like the have to work for fear of losing respect. I do think that every women should pursue her education, because that is such a vital part of self-discovery and independence. And no I don’t think it’s a waste if a a women decides not to work. I plan to get my PhD and work in HIV/AIDS research. I know that there may come a time when I decide to stay home to care for my family. I think it’s sad that I may lose the respect of some women for my choice but that certainly wouldn’t change it. I plan to work extensively with AIDS charities, whether or not I work. I fail to see how anyone could consider raising my children and devoting my time to others a waste of my time and education.

Chattydaddy hit the nail on the head, as far as i am concerned. I am a stay at home mom for a good period of time now and i too can relate to the way you say your mother felt. I use to feel guilty for having these feelings after all staying at home is viewed as a blessing. Most of what i have read is eathier complaining whining depressed moms or the happy it is so wonderful to be at home mom comments at other sites. I am in my case learning that this decision as much as i wanted it to be positive and rewarding has truely fallen short.

The key of what the author says is in the line where the following appears: “….when their financial situation allows it….” That is the KEY to have a CHOICE. Sometimes you have it, sometimes you don’t. If you have it now, will you have it tomorrow?

“It is better to put your personal talents to use for the world, or at least a larger segment of the world than just your husband.”

I just don’t see how so very many people have these personal talents or use them in their jobs or that their jobs better the world very much. In fact, most of the people I know who are talented or have jobs that better the world are not paid very much.

Most of the people I know have jobs that are not very meaningful at all in the grand scheme of things. But they need or like the money and some of them like the personal satisfaction of feeling good at what they do.

I also say staying home is an underappriciated job with the pay being understated because i have a son who turned 18 not long ago and moved in with his aunt and uncle at age 17 he now is very appricative of good old mom and i have the joy of seeing how my skills as a stay at home mom have made such a difference in my childrens lives. The good out weighs the bad in the war of to stay home or to work. At least for me, i can say it’s not for everyone. you have to know your limits and your needs and go from there!!!

Good point daylily! This is what I was describing as the “flexible” part of my job…

Seriously, I can’t even fathom the level of self-righteous nattering this little report has garnered. If someone chooses not to work, how the hell does that effect you and yours? Not at all, save for freeing up a space in the cubicle farm that you can claim for your very own. Really, in this tough job market, you should be THANKING the men and women who chose not to compete.

But God forbid anyone decide that they don’t really need a second paycheck to buy cheap crap at the mall, that there’s value in an existence that isn’t spend chasing the Almighty Dollar.

I’m not judging either way. I am, however, a wee bit jealous of those who do get to stay home and would love to join their ranks. Just think of the garden I could have and the stuff I could bake!

I’m just curious… Many of these posts are belittling the woman who doesn’t work outside the home. I’m writing my comment at 2 o’clock in the afternoon, which means all of the previous comments were written between say, 9am and now. Do all these other posters have flexible hours, or does the work they deem so sacred consist of surfing the web and writing comments on Strollerderby when they should actually be working?

“I think it’s fine for women to do that. But I don’t want these women in college taking up spots that my son and daughter are fighting hard for.”

Because clearly, there’s no other reason to further one’s education other than to join the rat race.

I’d do it if I could…

I feel like, I don’t care if someone stays at home, whether to take care of kids or not – whether they work hard with “gusto” at raising a family, or spend the day sleeping and playing the Wii, why should I care? It doesn’t affect me, and, if one spouse is keeping the earnings up, doesn’t affect the use of my taxes any differently than two working spouses would. So why should I care what these people are doing with their lives? Don’t we all have better things to hate on each other about?

Joy: So you are saying if you pay a housekeeper to clean your house and do your laundry then you consider it work. But if one person in a marriage or partnership wants to stay home and do the same then it’s not?

I’ll agree that there are people who sit on their butts all day and do as little as possible. I’m not talking about them. But there are people who approach looking after their family with as much gusto as they would going to a paying job.

Earning a salary is great (and that’s my primary task throughout the day at this point in my life), but just because someone doesn’t earn money for their day’s accomplishments at home doesn’t mean they are not contributing to society in some way or working hard at what they do.

In short, what I’m saying is cut the homemaker a little slack, but not the internet/tv addicted stay-at-home wife.

I would say that although I might not to be able to help a bit of private judging, as long as both partners are happy and no one’s on welfare then I’d have a hard time knowing what to complain about. It seems like at least as valid a choice as two-income households with no kids who wind up spending their huge money surplus on what seems to me to be ridiculous levels of consumer excess. However, if I were going to pursue that path, I’d want my husband to have a TON of life insurance and to have signed some kind of pre-nup guaranteeing me support, because were he to die or divorce me after I’d spent twenty years exploring my creative outlets and baking cookies, I’d be SOL where earning capacity is concerned.

Very interesting… makes me think of a couple I know in which the man stayed home for a couple of years (this was pre-kid) while wife climbed the corporate ladder and paid all the bills. He was depressed (but wouldn’t admit it.) How did he spend his days? Playing video games and waiting for the clock to strike noon to justify his beer(s.) What I find so interesting is that a stay-at-home wife sans children may be viewed as a status symbol, while the stay-at-home husband sans children is probably seen as a loafer. I pass no judgment – I am old/wise enough to know that none of us really knows what makes other people’s marriages or unions work.

My sister-in-law is a stay at home wife. I totally judge her. Why did she go to all the trouble of earning a degree just so she can sit at home all day long?

Damn Bostonmama. Bitter much?

I may soon be in a similar situation. My partner has an opportunity to move to Japan and I probably would not be able to work, excepting for any freelance writing work that came my way. The best I could do would be to finally buckle down to the book I keep promising to write. We’ve talked about it, and I’ve told him that he’d have to be okay with me not working and not be resentful of it. But it makes me nervous nonetheless. I’d much rather work, though I think I’d appreciate the time to work on other creative projects that this opportunity could allow. I think the key is to be sure your husband understands that your housework and creative work, even if it doesn’t earn a paycheck, is economically valuable.

I think it’s up to every person and every couple to decide what’s best for themselves. I don’t care whether other people stay home, go to work, work from home, write novels, write blogs, go to school, or whatever else they want to do. I did not have had the financial luxury to not work before I had the twins, or I might have pursued an additional degree.

I fully respect the decision of a woman to focus exclusively on parenting — it sure as hell is a full time job, at least for ten years or so. But I wouldn’t want it to be my wife, or my daughter for that matter, as you say. That’s because I believe that everyone — men and women — need validation on a daily basis from other adults. In the case of my mother, she became more controlling and difficult in the evenings because she was not fully socially nourished during the day, which became a problem in my parent’s marriage that eventually lead to divorce.

In the old family farm days, mothers did much more than just mother — they were partners in running the family business and did a wide range of important things in addition to watching over the kids. Modern technology and distribution of labor have reduced the job of being a mom to a much more constrained set of responsibilities, which has ironically made the job harder and less rewarding. I think it’s a quick trip to marriage problems, unless the mother is unusually zen and doesn’t need a lot of ego validation.