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10 Things I Won’t Do For My Wife No Matter How Much I Love Her

Twelve years ago I promised my wife she would be mine, “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.” All of that is still true, but nowhere in that wedding ceremony did anyone ask me to promise that I would kill all spiders in the house, no matter how small they happen to be. There are all kinds of things I look at and think, nope, I’m not doing that and it doesn’t matter how much I love you. For example, singing and dancing along at a recent Mumford & Sons concert we attended was not going to happen.

Truth is, if it was really important to my wife I would find a way to make it happen, but it better be important, and not just a but I really want you to do it type of important. For example, in our first year of marriage I jokingly tossed my gym shorts to Casey and asked her to sniff them to see if they were clean. She hadn’t spent much time in a boy’s locker room so she didn’t realize it was a joke. She shoved her face in the crotch area of the shorts and took the deepest breath she could. She stumbled back as if someone had smacked her in the face with a musty ham sandwich, I burst out laughing. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I’d like for that whole scene to happen again at some point in our marriage, and I think it’s important that it does, but it doesn’t cross that line and I would expect smelling my husband’s dirty gym shorts AGAIN to make an appearance on the list of things that she won’t do for me.

So, here are the 10 things I won’t do for my wife no matter how much I love her:

  • 10 Things I Won’t Do for My Wife 1 of 11
    wontdo11

    Click through to see the 10 things I won't do for my wife no matter how much I love her.

  • Eat Fresh Fruit 2 of 11
    wontdo01

    I don't like most fruit. Most of it reminds me of pineapple and I can't stand the taste of pineapple. My wife has been begging me to try some of her fresh, homemade peach ice cream. I love ice cream, but I hate fresh peaches. She swears the ice cream should make the fresh peaches taste better, but just because fresh whipped cream on a pile of dirt would make that pile of dirt taste better doesn't mean I want to eat the dirt.

    Photo Credit: Flickr

  • Catch Spiders 3 of 11
    wontdo02

    I hate spiders. Outside of the Mothman, there aren't many things I'm more afraid of than spiders and I won't go near them. Consequently, Casey kills all the spiders in our house and that's the way it's going to stay. If I happen to wake up in the middle of the night and Casey has a spider on her forehead, I'll try to wake and warn her from a distance before I head to sleep on the couch for the next few weeks.

  • Not During the Game 4 of 11
    wontdo03

    Casey knows that if she needs help getting the cake batter out of the bowl during a Broncos' game she better wait until a commercial or until the game is over. Same goes if she needs medicine from Walgreens. If the Broncos happen to be playing in the Super Bowl and Casey needs to go to the hospital, unless it's life threatening, she's just gonna have to wait a few hours.

  • Watch Next Top Model Shows 5 of 11
    wontdo04

    I've watched a lot of the shows she loves like Project Runway and So You Think You Can Dance, and I've learned to actually like some of them. Heck, I even look forward to catching a few minutes of Project Runway so I can see what snazzy shirts Tim Gunn is wearing that episode, but I can't find any good qualities in America's Next Top Model. I hate that show with a passion and even if I'm in the room while the show is playing I'm not actually watching the show because my eyes are too busy rolling from annoyance.

    Photo Credit: Flickr

  • Get a 3rd Cat 6 of 11
    wontdo05

    I've accepted that my wife is a cat person and that I'll likely never have another dog thanks to her love of cats, but I draw the line at 2 cats. I don't want to end up being the family with a home full of cats and smelly cat litter.

  • Dance Party 7 of 11
    wontdo06

    Occasionally, Casey will have a dance party with her friends where they will gather in the living room and dance in front of the X Box. Me joining that dance party? Not gonna happen.

  • Clean Her Dresser 8 of 11
    wontdo07

    I won't be caught cleaning off the top of my wife's dresser. The picture above is what her dresser looked like for about the first day we lived in this house. It's now covered with clutter three or four feet high. It's not that I'm not willing to clean it for her, because I am, but if I clean it for her it'll be stacked right back up the way it was before within 24 to 48 hours. 

  • Magic Mike 9 of 11
    wontdo08

    Casey was convinced to go see the movie Magic Mike. Yeah, the one where all those guys pretend to be strippers in what I can only guess is based around a pretty lame plot line. My wife won't be convincing me to go to those types of movies with her. However, if she wants to go to Rocky 14, I'm game.

  • Puke 10 of 11
    wontdo09

    I hate puke. I hate the smell. I hate the sounds it causes. I hate everything about puke. I also hate getting near the toilet unless I personally need its services. Holding my wife's hair as she pukes in the toilet combines two things I prefer not to come near meaning I won't be holding her hair over the toilet any time soon.

  • Share My Cheesecake 11 of 11
    wontdo10

    I ask Vivi and Addie to share with each other each day, but that doesn't mean I'm going to take my own advice and share my cheesecake with my wife. Especially if that cheesecake came from the bakery, Two Little Red Hens, in New York City.

Read more about my family on Moosh in Indy or follow me on Twitter!

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More on Babble Dad:

Is Labor Day a Good Excuse for Child Labor?

Alternate Reality: How My Life Would Be Different Had I Gotten Divorced

A Visit to the New Playscape Exhibit at the Children’s Museum of Indianapolis

An Abnormal Wedding Planner? Maybe

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