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10 Ways How Being a Stay-At-Home Dad Will Make My Wife a Man

 

It’s been nearly four years since I was laid off and forced to stay at home with the kids while my wife went off to work. As a guy who’s always had a job and who accumulated a long history of success in both the military and the corporate world, this reversal  of traditional gender roles has put me in unfamiliar territory. I’m  now the one packing the lunches and getting the kids on the bus while my wife  comes home  talking about acquisitions and mergers. It’s moments like this, as I slap another piece of bologna between two slices of Wonder Bread, that I start to envision a day in the future when I would be complaining to my mommy friends at Girl Scouts about how my becoming a stay-at-home dad turned my wife into a man. Here’s just some of the habits I can see her adopting.

 

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  • 1. Shell lose all sense of bathroom decorum 1 of 10
    1. Shell lose all sense of bathroom decorum
    She'll leave the toilet seat up, refuse to change the empty TP rolls and takes 40 minutes to read the sports section. Guess who'll be king of the throne then?
  • 2. She won’t kiss me anymore 2 of 10
    2. She won't  kiss me anymore
    First things out of her mouth when she walks through the door from work will be, "What's for dinner?" and "Fix me a drink when I get back from the can."
  • 3. Shell leave empty containers in the fridge 3 of 10
    3. Shell leave empty containers in the fridge
    And to top it off, the empty cartons will obstruct her view so every time she goes rooting around for something to eat, she'll start complaining about how I need to go grocery shopping more often.
  • 4. Shell be able to remember every detail about HALO Reach but needs to be reminded to take out the trash 4 of 10
    4. Shell  be able to remember every detail about HALO Reach but  needs to be reminded to take out the trash
    I'll put trash bags next to the back door until they stack up like snowman, and she won't catch a clue. I think I'll start hiding her game controller in one of them.
  • 5. Shell haul this old 75 Camaro home one night promising to fix it up 5 of 10
    5. Shell haul this old 75 Camaro home one night promising to fix it up
    Yeah, I can see how that will turn out in. Just go ask the 5 buckets of Bondo in the garage and assorted car parts from ebay that I'll betripping over for the next three years.
  • 6. She won’t know I discovered her subscription to Playboy 6 of 10
    6. She won't know I discovered her subscription to Playboy
    Coming clean about this would be win-win for the both of us, but keeping it a secret would make me wonder if she's thinking about someone else the few times we actually are intimate. This is why I'd fake headaches before bed (and that wouldn't be the only thing I'd be faking either).
  • 7. She’ll spend all day Saturday playing golf 7 of 10
    7. She'll spend all day Saturday playing golf
    I'd try going with her as a way to spend time together, but then she'd start yelling at me for not holding the clubs right and losing too many of her Titleist Elites. Once she say's I'm not showing enough respect for the game, that's when I'll stop going.
  • 8. Shell forget my birthday and then buy me last-minute gifts from the Fast-Mart using discount points from her gas card 8 of 10
    8. Shell forget my birthday and then buy me last-minute gifts from the Fast-Mart using discount points from her gas card
    That means I'll end up with a whole drawer full of assorted car air fresheners, 3 cans of Fix-a-Flat, and a half-eaten bag of Corn Nuts. Happy Birthday to me.
  • 9. Shell regularly quote lines from Judd Apatow movies and then try to claim them at her own 9 of 10
    9. Shell regularly quote lines from Judd Apatow movies and then  try to claim them at her own
    Ricky Bobby, Ron Burgundy, Stewy Cox, I can hear them all now. Yeah, you stay classy, there babe.
  • 10. Shed rather watch the International Lumberjack Competition on ESPN 3 than talk to me about my day 10 of 10
    10. Shed rather watch the International Lumberjack Competition on ESPN 3 than talk to me about my day
    And then there's all those recorded episodes of "Ice Road Truckers," 2 seasons of "Swamp People" on DVD, and Spike TV's re-showing of the 2010 Westminster Dog Competition. I'll put on some sexy underwear and sit down next to her—probably won't even notice I'm there.

 

Photo credits: Wiki Commons Public Domain

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