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12 Month Plan for Dads to Prepare for the Apocalypse

"We're Dads and We're Prepared"

Well, this is supposed to be the year the Mayan calendar runs out and the whole world’s supposed to go KABLAMO! Whatever. Personally I don’t think it’s going to happen, but I can’t say the same for my family. Last week my stepdaughter got in the van and started running down all the things that are supposed to happen. By the way she was listing them off I could tell what her source material for this was.

“Where did you find all this out?” I asked.

“I was watching TV with Grandma,” she replied.

Exactly what I thought. But then it occurred to me that all of this might be plausible. As a father I’d feel pretty stupid standing in the cul de sac watching fire and brimstone rain down from heaven come December 31st. So maybe putting a plan together might not be such a bad idea after all.  I think what I finally came up with is pretty tight.

 

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  • January: Start a Dad Blog 1 of 12
    January: Start a Dad Blog
    First things first guys. If you don't already have one, then this is the time to start by chronicling your preparation experience. Make sure to give your site a clever name like "Doomsday Daddy," or "Fatherhood Apocalypse" to establish your personal brand (plus it helps with SEO optimization). Also, get a good digital camera for posting pics—people are suckers for photography. Keep in mind, your blog might be the only accurate record of civilization because FOX News's coverage of our smoldering planet will be completely slanted.
  • February: Use Movie Night to Prepare Family 2 of 12
    February: Use Movie Night to Prepare Family
    Next, you need to get the family prepared mentally. The more they understand about what's coming, the less likely they are to think you're off your rocker and what better way to do that than with family movie night. Start with The Road, I Am Legend, and The Stand, then go from there. (Skip 2012, though; anything with John Cusack in it isn't believable.) If the kids get scared, pop in the Sponge Bob Movie and tell them the post-apocalyptic world will be a lot like Bikini Bottom, which isn't far off since it's like hell on earth trying to watch it now.
  • March: Two Words 3 of 12
    March: Two Words
    Wet wipes. These things are almost as multifunctional as duct tape (get that too). These items need to be at the top of your stockpile list. Sure, you still have 10 months, but while everyone's looting Wal-Mart on December, you'll be all set and smelling like a new baby's clean butt. You'll also want to get your generator and 55 gallon drums to fill with fuel. And Bugles snack chips—get as many boxes as you can. (Those things are so damn addictive!) Make sure to keep all your receipt to claim this on your taxes
  • April: Get Your Junk Checked 4 of 12
    April: Get Your Junk Checked
    That's right, make sure you've got some strong swimmers tucked away in your pants. Start wearing boxers, lay off fatty food, and enroll in a Pilates class. As a survivor, you might be called on to repopulate the earth; thus your virility will be essential to the process and working out will help make you more attractive. If you've had a vasectomy, it's time to copy down that number on the billboards advertising reversals. Hey, gents, don't be a wimp about it either. No one wants to find out that the only reason humanity didn't survive was because Phil Barwinski of Joliet, Illinois was too chicken to have a doc messing with his balls again.
  • May: Make Bedtime Prep-Time 5 of 12
    May: Make Bedtime Prep-Time
    Bedtime provides dads another opportunity to spend some quality family time with also getting them ready for the brutal future that lay ahead. The Zombie Survival Guide and Hunger Games are good choices. Next, move on to Atlas Shrugged; it may or may not put them to sleep, but either way it will definitely scare them.
  • June: Use Family Camping Trip to Find Suitable Cave 6 of 12
    June: Use Family Camping Trip to Find Suitable Cave
    A good cave to live in later is a must. Plus, you need a place to stash your growing stockpile of goods as the neighbors are beginning to get suspicious of the pallets of wet wipes and Bugles in your garage. Turn cave hunting into a fun family camping vacation. This will also help avoid unwanted attention. Don't just grab the first cave you see. Get the best you can to help improve its resale value later.
  • July: Blow Off Yard Work 7 of 12
    July: Blow Off Yard Work
    Forget about trimming hedges and flower beds. When the homeowners association sends you a letter, tell them to sue you and then ask them what good winning Yard of the Month will be when in a few months it's just going to be part of a the world's scorched landscape. Use this time post more on your blog, and take the kids to Chuck E Cheese (keep the tokens to use later as currency).
  • August: Teach Kids Self-Reliance 8 of 12
    August: Teach Kids Self-Reliance
    With four months to go, it's time to toughen the kids up. I know this will be hard to do, but it's a matter of their survival. No more TV and video games. Set up an obstacle course in the back yard and have them run through that instead. Tell them you're not packing their lunches for school anymore. Bye, bye, Lunchables. Now they have to catch and prepare all their own food. Which reminds me, make another run to the store to buy Bugles—can't stop eating those things.
  • September: Weapons Training 9 of 12
    September: Weapons Training
    As a carryover from August, take the wife and kids to the gun range. Teach them how to use as many different types of weapons as possible, from pistols to semi-automatics rifles. And don't forget the classic zombie-stopping power of the trusty shotgun. It's also probably worth it to invest in getting the whole family a concealed handgun permit. Bonus for Texans—children 12 and under are free.
  • October: Modify Your Minivan 10 of 12
    October: Modify Your Minivan
    It won't be long now, and you're going to need reliable transportation to outrun those Mad Max-looking hoodlums that will be roaming the earth. Outfit your vehicle with lots of steel plates, barbed wire, and anything that shoot flames from the engine. Trade that gas-guzzling SUV in for a minivan—preferably something Japanese (better fuel millage and plenty of cup holders). And whatever you do, avoid anything that's a hybrid—those leather-clad, mohawked, motorcycle-riding freaks can smell fear from a mile away.
  • November: Teach Kids About Democracy 11 of 12
    November: Teach Kids About Democracy
    Just because it's the end of the world doesn't mean you should blow off your responsibility as a citizen to vote. Take the kids with you as an opportunity to teach them about democracy. This may be useful for them to know in rebuilding civilization later. In the voting booth let them pick all the candidates and press the buttons. Who cares which ones they selected; it's not like it matters. Apocalypse or no apocalypse, given the current crop of presidential candidates we're all screwed anyway.
  • December: Check, Re-Check, Kiss it Goodbye 12 of 12
    December: Check, Re-Check, Kiss it Goodbye
    You're 30 days from kissing it all goodbye and time to put the previous 11 months of preparation to work. Run down your inventory lists. Check for missing items. Test out all the equipment, especially the generator so you can keep blogging for as long as possible. Try to make Christmas as normal as possible for the family. Buy everyone bullet-proof vests as gifts. Reassure the kids Santa Claus will survive for sure (make no promises about the Easter Bunny). Beat the panicked rush on the freeways by loading up the van on the 26th and heading for your cave. Make one last stop to buy Bugles.

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Ron Mattocks is a father of five (3 sons, 2 stepdaughters) and author of the book, Sugar Milk: What One Dad Drinks When He Can’t Afford Vodka. He blogs at Clark Kent’s Lunchbox, and lives in Houston with his wife, Ashley, who eternally mocks his fervor for Coldplay.

Photo Credits: 1-6, 9-12 Wiki Common; 7, Hans Ulespiegel; 8 FreeRangePhotos; Header, Wiki Commons

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