It’s no secret that over the past decade or so, with the continuing rise of the Internet, selling all kinds of crap to parents has probably replaced missile-making and liquor shilling when it comes to making the big bucks.
Parents, especially first-timers, love to spend their hard-earned cash in the vast, endless halls of products which are supposed to wrap, lift, quiet, comfort, warm up, clean, feed, protect, preserve, or entertain their babies and toddlers. But in reality (let’s be perfectly honest here), these gadgets are usually just something shiny and clever that mom or dad themselves is highly attracted to.
Listen, American ingenuity didn’t get to where it is today thanks to the contents of any kids’ piggy banks, you know? Entrepreneurs interested in a piece of the real parenting money pie know darn well that if they are selling stuff that catches the parent’s eye, then it’s cha-ching time!
Now, before you accuse me of casting a frown upon the legions of parents out there, allow me to readily admit that, like so many of my fellow dads all over the world, I am a big old sucker for useless junk that looks kind of cool in the store or online.
Some of it proves to be worthwhile in the end. Most of it does not.
But hey, in a free-market society in this day and age of in-your-face parenting, why not just sit back and kind of revel in the fact that there are so many funny and interesting products geared toward us baby makers.
I’ve rounded up a bunch of the wilder ones that I think dads like me might dig.
So dive in.
Stuff Dads NEED 1 of 21
Poop Alarm 2 of 21
Guys like big flashing lights and sounds. Dads need to change diapers. And now the best of both worlds has arrived.
Pacifier Grill 3 of 21
I don't care what anybody says, there isn't a dad alive who wouldn't pay good money for a pacifier that looks like a crazy gold grill. I'll take 3, please.
Bacon Formula 4 of 21
Is this for real? Yes. Can it possibly be nutritious? Seriously?! Who cares?! It tastes like bacon! The only real problem here is keeping dads from drinking it when no one is looking.
The Daddle 5 of 21
A saddle for dads? And they called it a 'Daddle'? Oh no they didn't! OH YES THEY DID!
Baby Bottle Holder 6 of 21
Dude, I feel your pain. Someone needs a feeding right in the middle of you watching an episode of The Walking Dead? No problem, just break out this contraption and you're good to go, you lazy couch potato, you!
The NoseFrida 7 of 21
Guys, see that picture? Now tell me you can't imagine yourself in place of that sweet mommy, just sucking all of that nasty snot out of your tiny one's nose with this product called the NoseFrida? Maybe you can ask for this as a stocking stuffer.
The Windi 8 of 21
The Windi is a product made by the same people who make the NoseFrida, and it's designed to make its way in to where the sun don't shine and chase all of the gas out of your baby with colic/built-up jet fuel. C'mon dads, you know you want to see what the heck happens! And DO NOT forget to film it and put it on YouTube. I'll be waiting...
Friends Forever Plush Toys 9 of 21
After a while, most of us fathers get a little bored with the same old stuffed teddy bears and plush Mickey Mouses. But not any more. Imagine the puppet shows we can do with these two.
Baby Bangs 10 of 21
What dad doesn't look at his precious baby girl and secretly wish upon a star that she had some bizarre bangs on her head? Well, evidently there's some headbands out there that can make your dreams come true. Super creepy.
Mr. Milker 11 of 21
Folks, I am honestly tongue-tied here. I don't know what to tell you. It's every dad's true desire, to breastfeed his child. And now it's possible. Wow. Just wow.
Bad Teeth Pacifiers 12 of 21
Not much to say here. Every dad will love Bad Teeth Pacifiers more than beer. They are, quite possibly, the greatest invention for babies since the diaper. Maybe even better.
The Zaky 13 of 21
I think The Zaky is designed to let dads waste time flipping through channels while the baby sleeps tight with a pair of big comforting hands protecting him or her. But in reality it's just a very chilling piece of equipment that freaks me out to no end. So yeah, I want it.
The Babykeeper Basic 14 of 21
Need to play some poker with the guys but it's your turn to watch the kids? Get a hold of a couple of these and you're golden. I hear they're working on a teen model, too. Life is good.
The Baby Budaboo 15 of 21
Frisky kid flapping his arms all over the place when you're trying to change an ultra-nasty diaper? Never fear. Wrap him tight in this Baby Budaboo (it's NOT a straight jacket!) and get the job done like the man you know you are.
Baby Masks 16 of 21
Sometimes, it seems like the only thing that can possibly get a little baby to stop the endless crying is the presence of another little baby. Lucky for us dads, even if we don't have an extra real infant handy, there are these incredibly detailed masks from Hyperflesh to save the day. Slip one on and watch your restless bambino simmer down and smile ... or pass out from terror.
Baby Vitals App 17 of 21
Well, fellas, remember when you were watching that old Burt Reynolds flick on satellite TV while your wife went out and left you in charge of making sure the baby kept living until she got back? And remember how you had to keep getting up off your butt to go in to the nursery and make sure things were kosher? Well, those days are over. Now, with the Owlet Vitals App, you can monitor all of your kid's vital signs without moving away from your snacks and your remote. Lucky dog.
Penguin Urinal 18 of 21
Nothing fancy about this product, really. It's just a very cool tool for getting little guys adjusted to peeing like a big guy. "Pee right there on that cute little bird, son! 'Atta Boy!" Plus, you just feel better as a father knowing that you you have something inside your home called a "penguin urinal."
Crib Dribbler 19 of 21
Gentlemen. If it works for gerbils, well then ... you catch my drift.
Unicorn Meat 20 of 21
There is NOTHING more frustrating for modern dads than dealing with fussy kids who refuse to eat the nice food that you've made them. So, I say let 'em have it. Just whip out this can and let them know that if they simply don't want to eat their flax and broccoli smoothies, you are just going to serve them Unicorn Meat from now on. When they're done bawling, they'll eat whatever you dish out.
Robot Vacuum 21 of 21
Listen, you're doing a great job at being a dad. You work hard, you heat up bottles in the microwave, you play with your kids, you hold them in your arms, and read them stories that make no sense at all. So at the end of a hard-earned day, don't feel guilty for figuring out the secret to life as a parent. I mean, they didn't really make those stupid robot vacuums to sweep up dust. You knew that, right? Happy Fathering!
Image: youtube.com/Jared Vallejo
You can also find Serge on his personal blog, Thunder Pie.
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More from Serge:
16 Things Kids Should Decide for Themselves