NEW YORK CITY, New York—Therapists across the country have reported an increase in the number of fathers suffering from Sudden Identity Crisis Syndrome, or SICS, after remarks claiming actor, George Clooney, would probably be a lousy dad. “I haven’t seen this many Clooney-related SICS cases since Batman and Robin,” remarked Michael Clayton, a New York City therapist thought to be the country’s leading SICS expert. “I’ve had to bring in additional staff to handle the overflow.”
Clooney’s paternal prowess was called into question by Amara Miller, who plays the 50 year-old bachelor’s daughter in the recently release film, The Descendants. “Let me just say, he wouldn’t be good as a father,” Miller told USWeekly. “George has fun being an adult, and I don’t think he would like having kids.”
Miller’s remarks stunned fathers across the country.
“The guy’s been in two Spy Kids movies, plus The Fantastic Mr. Fox,” said Bob Barnes, a father of five living in Newark, New Jersey. “You’d think after that he’d be a bad-ass dad. I mean what the cuss!” Friendly’s disappointment was further evidenced after he announced plans to remove his collection of rare Clooney movie posters hanging in his man cave.
Adding to the SICS outbreak was news that Clooney agreed with his on-screen offspring’s assessment. When asked at a press conference how it felt to play a father, the Academy-Awarding winning actor simply said, “It sucks.”
“I’ve always seen myself as a Clooney-like parent,” admitted one Indiana father who asked to remain anonymous. “Now I don’t know who I am anymore.”
According to WebMD, SICS occurs immediately after a popular celebrity does or says something that severely disappoints people who believe themselves to be just like that celebrity.
“Basically it creates a vacuum where the person’s self-identity used to be,” explains Dr Doug Ross, of the Mayo Clinic. “It’s really more serious than people think because no one is willing to admit to it.”
“This is hard to hear,” said Fred Friendly of Biloxi, Mississippi. “The moms at my playgroup tell me all the time they think of me as the George Clooney of dads—their words, not mine.” Friendly who’s a stay-at-home dad appeared frustrated thinking about the future. “What notorious celebrity bachelor are the moms going to associate me with now? Gerard Butler? I don’t think so—the guy’s like Irish or something!”
When contacted, a spokeswoman for Friendly’s mommy group denied that any of their members had ever referred to Friendly as being anything like George Clooney. The spokeswoman then stated that Friendly had a Clooney man-crush. “Last week he wore a Solaris t-shirt to baby yoga,” she cited as an example.
Experts believe the number of SICS cases will exceed those reported after Neil Patrick Harris announced he was gay. This assessment appears realistic based on the three-week wait times therapists are being forced to give to those claiming to have SICS.
“Maybe during this Clooney-induced round of SICS will bring greater awareness to the problem,” Clayton said. “If we’re going to beat this thing, we really need to put a face on it. Someone like Bradley Cooper or Ryan Gosling would be perfect as a spokesman.”
Clayton may be right, but until then it appears therapists will have their hands full treating men like dad blogger Danny Ocean, who probably best summed up what it feels like to deal with SICS.
“I feel so let down.”
The Descendants, in which Clooney plays, Matt King, a land baron trying to reconnect with his two daughters after his wife is hurt in a boat accident, was released in select theaters November 16th.