Yeah, yeah, we all know that kids say the darnedest things. Just the other day my son hugged his little playmate from across the street and said, “You’re my best friend. I’m going to love you forever.”
Spending time with a two or three year old is bound to make you laugh, and melt even the hardest, chilliest heart into a warm and squishy mess.
But have you ever noticed how creepy they can sometimes be?
“Will you die, Daddy?” my son asked me recently. We had been talking about birds eating worms in the backyard, which lead to a discussion on death in general.
“Sure I’ll die one day,” I told him. “Every living thing dies.”
Hmm. Here, I thought, was a parenting conundrum. Do I go honest and risk upsetting him? Or do I pull the wool over his eyes? This is when having a happy ending narrative to life would help — you’ll die and it’ll be great because you’ll go to heaven!
Me being me, I went for brutal honesty. “Actually, someday you’ll die too.”
“No, Daddy. I’m never going to die. You’ll die. And mama will die. But I’m never going to die.”
He stared off into the distance and said it again, in a whisper, more to himself than me. “I’m never going to die.”
The hair on the back of my neck stood up.
Ok, so he’s developmentally incapable of imagining his own demise. But put those words in the mouth of a grown-up and it would be pretty strange, right? Along with some of the other things I hear out of his mouth every day — “No, I can’t play alone. I need you next to me. All the time!” “Can I lay on top of you, Daddy?” Then there’s those times when he publicly announces “my penis has a lil’ bit of a ‘rection.”
If you need any further evidence of just how creepy (and funny) kids can be, look no further. A dad and filmmaker named Matthew Clarke has reenacted a conversation he had with his two-year-old daughter and wife, but cast a grown, unshaven man wearing barrettes in the role of the little girl. It’s the start of a new series called “Conversations with My 2 Year Old.” The results are awesome! The uncanny replacement illustrates how talking to a toddler can be like taking a trip into Wonderland, where the child is The Mad Hatter and Red Queen rolled into one hilarious, narcissistic little tyrant. Funny stuff.
For more on this same topic, check out 6 of the Creepiest Things Kids Have Said.