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‘Dear Dorks’: An Open Letter To Viacom And DirecTV From A Small-Time Daddy

By Serge Bielanko |

The Future Of Big TV

Dear Dorks,

Let me first congratulate each of you for standing your ground like tough guys need to.

There is too much bullying going on in the world today and you don’t need to stand for that. I mean, sure, maybe neither one of you is exactly a ‘little nerd’ in your particular playground, but still, when you’re right you’re right and putting up with abuse from the other guy just isn’t right.

That said, I don’t really even know what you all are on about. I presume somebody wants a little more ‘grease in the palm’ if you know what mean, because why else would I be waking up to explain to my kids that there is no more Nickelodeon Channel to watch.

‘Money talks and Dora walks’, who was it that said that? Was that General Patton? Or was it Eisenhower?

Oh, no matter, I’ve got bigger fish to fry over here today, you guys and I think you know that. Being a small-time daddy in a big-business world isn’t as easy as people might think, but I am guessing you boys up there in the big office know that, seeing how a lot of you have kids and all. And really, it doesn’t matter to me all that much that you’re squabbling over the money I pour down the mail to you guys, well, me and 50 zillion other suckers, because I know damn right well that no body is twisting my arm to order up all of this fancy TV that I’ve been ordering up faithfully, and quite blindly I might add (what the hell are my rights as a consumer of all this crap-ola you’re serving up anyways?).

I’m a big boy now, well a big boy in Little Guy Land is more apropos, I guess, and I realize that waking up one morning to two hysterically sad young faces with blue lips from weeping for their entertainment loss was just something that I was willing to take a gamble on when I signed my name on your dotted lines and handed you a couple yards of half-decent pipe that run directly from my beat-up wallet into your bank accounts.

Luckily for me, none of that actually came to pass.

When I mentioned the drastic change in our collective TV life to my kids this morning, they took it better than even I had hoped. To be blunt, guys, one of them looked up at me with her ‘Who Cares?’ eyes while the other one paused,  took a deep drag of 6:15AM air, and belched something more suitable for the office clown than a one-year-old, you know? But, that made me happy in a way because I have a lot on my plate, dudes; I don’t need to be wasting my precious ‘Little Guy Time’ trying to figure out ways to explain to these rug-rats what happened to this cartoon character or that one.

I was ready to do it, mind you, but it all worked out as far as that goes. They just didn’t give a s#!@.

So, I guess the only person I’m really filing this little letter of objection for today is me, guys. I didn’t want to do it, but dang-it, you forced my hand. I mean, between  yesterday’s vile threats crawling across my screen and this morning’s easy willingness to drop the cold hard hammer of reality, I just wanted to let you know what your basic working stiff all-American ‘This Guy Pays For A Hundred Shopping And God Channels Without A Drip Of Choice In The Matter And We Love Him For It!‘ kind of guy has to say about all this bullying you are each having to contend with from the other guy, from the BAD guy.

Listen, I know you boys are real busy, so here it is, fellas… my humble uninformed opinion.

You suck. And stop packaging stupid channels no one wants in with the soccer channels.

Ya’ll are dorks,

Serge ‘Real Housewives Of Orange County’ Bielanko




You can also find Serge on his personal blog, Thunder Pie.

And on Facebook and Twitter.

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More from Serge:

Fishing With Violet

No Gays In The Pool: One Straight Dad’s Opinion

Down At The Shindig: Our Fourth Of July Family Photos

Before I Had You: Reflections On A Bachelor’s Life Before Kids

Now And Forever: How Being A Father Keeps You From Being A Dad

Come On Up For The Rising: Heading Home After the Fire

25 Things About My Son, Henry


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About Serge Bielanko


Serge Bielanko

Serge Bielanko writes about fatherhood for Babble Dad and about marriage stuff for Babble Voices at He Said/She Said. His writing has appeared in Esquire and The Huffington Post, as well as on his personal blog, Thunder Pie. He lives with his wife and two kids in central Pennsylvania. Read bio and latest posts → Read Serge's latest posts →

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4 thoughts on “‘Dear Dorks’: An Open Letter To Viacom And DirecTV From A Small-Time Daddy

  1. Timmi says:

    With all the fancy things you can do with tv and computers, I don’t know why you would still pay for tv. We have been without cable or satellite for over 4 years. I have 2 young girls and my husband and I find plenty for them to watch using all the ways out there to stream shows and movies from the internet. I don’t have to worry about them seeing all those ads for crap we don’t need. It took some getting used to but I love it now, especially when I hear how much people are are paying for their services

  2. Erika says:

    I am with you Serge. I hate the massive amount of shopping/god channels for the few that we watch. We have Directv so that my husband, a transplant from Pittsburgh, can watch his Steelers games down here in Tejas. Thankfully my 2 1/2 year old has dvd’s of Yo Gabba Gabba and Olivia, so she will never know the difference.

  3. whithonea says:

    To Timmi’s point, we just recently returned to the world of DirectTV after a year of living the Internet stream (man, that’s almost too good of a phrase to waste in a comment, I hope you enjoyed it). It was fine except that the shows we really wanted weren’t available anywhere and it drove us crazy. Apparently there are only a handful of shows that aren’t online and we watch them. But that’s not why I’m here.

    I’m here to say you are right, those companies suck for using the consumers as a weapon/victim, and they should all shut the hell up and turn Dora back on.

  4. sergebielanko says:

    Timmi…I hear your point. And honestly, you are probably ahead of the game, really. It won’t be long until we’re all hooked up with our TVs thru the net, but like anything else having to do with technology…I’m way behind the leaders. Glad to know it’s coming though.

    Whit, thanks for chiming in, man. I imagine that the shows I watch probably aren’t way popular with the savvy tech crowd either. “Largemouth Bass Fishing In Ohio” anyone? ‘Internet stream’…thanks for that one!

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