Heart-Shaped Stupid: The Worst Valentine's Day Gifts For Your Baby MamaSerge Bielanko
Well, it’s that time of year again.
Frozen barren landscapes.
You got it! It’s time to celebrate love!
Yep, Valentine’s Day is rolling into town. A day unlike any other; a day devoted to spending money on the people we love the most (who are already the people we spend all of our money on anyway). Still, the Hallmark family has to have their Zillion Dollar Day, so we might as well just get on with it.
As a father and a husband, I want to let my wife, my Baby Mama, know that I appreciate her. And so, in the weeks leading up to the 14th of February, I try to let my imagination climb the high peaks of possibility and conjure up wonderfully original gifts that I can give her to celebrate our eternal bond.
Unfortunately, I have fallen on my face nearly every single year. So this year, instead of putting all of my Mega-Valentine Energy towards disappointing my wife, I’ve decide to step outside the box, and help other guys like me actually get it right.
Heart-Shaped Steak 1 of 20Don't be this guy. Sure, to some folks nothing says 'I love you' like a special Valentine cut porterhouse. But chances are that person isn't the one who shares this life with you. If you have to buy this, I totally understand. Just stick it in the freezer for yourself for another day.
Love Is Back, Part 1 2 of 20Sometimes, we get swept up in an idea. Dang, we think to ourselves, she is going to see this and remember why she fell in love with me in the first place! Uhhh..excuse me... but no. No she's not.
Love Is Back, Part 2 3 of 20Putting Baby Mama's name in ink is sorta cliche at this point, huh? Tons of fellows have the name of that special someone, or that special ex-someone, living forever down next to Bart Simpson on their calf. So, when you decide to take it up a notch or two, and nail something even more original to knock her socks off (and maybe more!) when you come home Valentine's night, just remember I warned you that you are going to freak her out. And not in a good way.
Getaway! GET AWAY! 4 of 20Every year around this time a lumbering cliche of Yeti proportions comes barreling out of the woods and collapses in the backyard. His old Indian name is Bedandbreakfast. Or Bed and Breakfast, to you and me. Don't get me wrong: there is nothing wrong with treating your Baby Mama to an awesome relaxing night or two away from the hustle and flow of your kids, but make certain you do your homework here. Plan the thing out. Research inns in the country or hotels in the city. Don't think that horrific weekend getaways are just the stuff of sitcoms. Otherwise, you may find yourself all alone, walking along some backwoods lane in rural Vermont, with that Yeti close behind.
The New Spice/The Wrong Spice 5 of 20So-called experts claim that monogamous couples need to find new and exciting ways to liven things up in the sack. And they're probably right. I mean, it doesn't necessarily take a skeevy Dr. Phil to shine a little light on the fact that physical romance ebbs and flows with time, right? Okay fine. But, please. When you are out there shopping around for that spicy little Valentine gift for the little lady, make sure it's something super right for the job. Otherwise you might end up in these with one of your buddies, as she points the revolver at you.
Honey, I Knew You’d Love A New Candyland! 6 of 20Yes, the little one or little ones that you share with Baby Mama are the precious/expensive/wonderful glue that holds the whole family together. No one will argue that. Still, DO NOT make the very specific and fatal mistake of confusing her love for her children with a Valentine's Day gift for her that involves the children. A picture of her and the kids is okay, but beyond that, make sure what you get her isn't something that is only fun or useful with the bambinos hanging on it or eating it or riding it or wearing it, too.
Brutal Honesty Is Not Romantic, Part 1 7 of 20I'm not gonna lie. There are times when, if a Great White Shark happened to be swimming past my wife while we were doing one of our ocean frolics after a massive fight, there are times when I might nudge her a little towards the hungry man-eater. There, I said it, okay? YOU, on the other hand, probably shouldn't be broadcasting that particular message on Valentine's Day with a gift like this. Unless, of course, you have, like, $600 just sitting around and a Baby Mama/lover with the most epic imagination under the sun.
Brutal Honesty Is Not Romantic, Part 2 8 of 20Passing on the shark was probably a good idea, but in all honesty, you might wanna re-visit the shark again if you are seriously thinking about a gift for her like this. She already probably senses that half the time she is talking to you you aren't even listening: you're thinking about food. Don't do it, dude. Yes, she WOULD be cute in this. But she will never ever see it that way.
Wino Charm 9 of 20For a lot of wonderful Baby Mamas, there is nothing like a glass of wine at the end of the day to take the edge off the chaos of parenting. However, allow me to subtly inform you that there is a fine line between the delicate flower who enjoys a glass of Pinot Grigio or two and the type of wild sauce guzzler who needs a crocheted glass holder on a lanyard to make it through the night. Although, if you're looking for Christmas ideas for moi...
Dream Griddle 10 of 20The name says it all, really. The Dream Griddle is that long lost link between modern Valentine's day gifts for your sweetheart and dragging home a clobbered antelope for the woman you force to cower in your cave. I know, I know: everyone loves to wake up to the smell of sizzling bacon. But take it from me, you can go too far with breakfast meats; and giving her this would qualify.
FaceBookFace 11 of 20Perhaps your sweet gal enjoys her private time out in cyber space? Perhaps you notice that she really revels in her 'alone' time catching up on her favorite blogs and websites, watching YouTube videos of squirrels who water ski. Well, if that's the case, at first glance this little creation seems intriguing/warm/ and fuzzy. But then, reality kicks in, and you realize that unless your Baby Mama is hanging out in the rec room of a sanitarium, the giving of this gift to her this Valentine's day will likely haunt you for the rest of eternity.
Puppy Mistakes 12 of 20A this point in the history of the world, some exceptionally bizarre people have probably figured out the ways to have puppies born with little marketable fur patterns. You know: Christmas Trees, Hearts, Pittsburgh Steelers logos. whatever. The thing is, you need to be aware of this mega-fact, okay? Okay, here it it. Unless she pretty much already KNOWS that she is getting a puppy or a kitten or a tarantula because she already pointed at the one she wanted when you BOTH went shopping for the pet you were going to 'surprise' her with on Valentine's Day, then actually giving her a pet is more than likely the worst idea you have ever had.
A Royal Screw (Up) 13 of 20On rare occasions, we cross paths with the sort of gag gifts that we, in the deepest crevices of our senses of humor, believe will both make our Baby Mama chuckle and feel a little frisky at the same time. Beware. This notion is completely false and fake and there is not even a drop of truth contained anywhere within its bird-brained conception (pun intended). Gifts like these "condoms of distinction" are called Gag Gifts for a reason. Plus, if they don't work: she might end up giving birth to a King or a Queen and how the heck are you going to afford that?
The Cabelas Rule 14 of 20There is nothing in Cabelas that your Baby Mama wants for Valentine's Day. There are things that you want her to want. But that is a much different thing and to confuse the two would simply be the tragedy of a simple fool.
Big Bad Lingerie 15 of 20Every man likes to imagine his sweetheart in nothing but 11-inch shimmery stiletto boots and a size-small lobster net. But beware when you're out there buying her the lingerie of your dreams: make sure you spend a little and try and get her something quality that will feel good on her, and not just look good to you. I mean, let's face it, you'd be happy with two McDonald's french fry bags and a pair of Daisy Dukes. Actually, come to think of it, so would I. But still, get her the nice stuff, not the NASCAR stuff.
Beer Carvings 16 of 20Deep in the old pine forests of Bavaria there live a small sect of craftsmen who specialize in the ancient art of Beer Carving. For centuries now they've been creating their tiny Bavarian Hearts on the sudsy heads of ales and beers, creations so valuable/so fleeting that you can only have one made for you by visiting their alpine village and hiring one of them to carve for you and your Baby Mama right there in the town Bier-Haus. So, don't get any crazy ideas about faking this and doing one of these carvings yourself, man. She'll know it isn't genuine. And you'll pay the price.
I Heart You 17 of 20Very few Valentine gifts have the traditional timeless grace of the heart charm on a sleek chain. That heart around her neck says she knows love, and love knows her right back. It is, without a doubt, one of the finest gifts a man can present his Baby Mama at Valentine's Day. Unless, of course, he decides to put a little twist to the deal and offers her up one of these more realistic heart charms instead. In which case, it will look as if she is wearing a lump of exploded roadkill on her chest. Which is what every lady wants, no?
Worth Your Weight In Love 18 of 20Chocolates used to be pretty foolproof. There was a time when a box of bon-bon's was a one-way ticket to "At-Least-I-Didn't-Forget-Ville". But times have changed, man. So, something like this - a goofy chocolate gag involving her weight - although it might seem kind of funny, it's not. It's not funny at all. Trust me. You give her this and the cops are coming tonight.
Car Art 19 of 20Go ahead. Get a bar of soap and some of those specialty crayons and on the night before Valentine's Day secretly cover up her car with hearts and I Love U's. Then, next morning, while she's still in her robe: make her cover her eyes and lead her out to the garage or the curb. She'll be thinking: OMG, he got me a new car!!!!! And then you holler,"Surprise!" and she uncovers her eyes and the two of you are further away for each other than ever before.
Relax 20 of 20No, not champagne hot tub relax (although, if you take her there you rule). What I mean is: Valentine's Day shouldn't be as much pressure as I just made it all sound. Heck, I was just messing with you. Tell the woman in your life that you love her. Tell her that you need her. Bust out some gas station roses and maybe a bottle of 9 dollar vino. Just enjoy the day, but remember that Valentine's Day is just a once a year thing, so don't stress it at all. And seriously: don't let her see that you bought that heart-shaped steak.
You can also find Serge on his personal blog, Thunder Pie.