Staring Into the Abyss: Being on the Other Side of Depression
For the vast majority of my life, depression wasn’t something real. Depression only occurred when the Broncos lost in the Super Bowl or when Utah lost to BYU in football. Outside those instances, depression only happened when someone chose to be sad.
That’s largely how I felt about depression right up until I experienced my wife’s first bout with this illness. Having suffered from depression throughout her adolescence, it wasn’t Casey’s first experience with this. She had suffered hundreds of times prior to my arrival. However, it was my first known experience with the disease, and I got a quick crash course on what marriage is like with someone who suffers from depression.
The first time that I could tell something was just not right, I started to wonder if our marriage was doomed to fail from the beginning. Casey had outright declared that she was unfit to be anyone’s mother, let alone anyone’s wife or friend. The words that came out of her mouth were hurtful, unanticipated, and unsolicited.
Wondering what I could do to save the marriage before Casey’s state of mind got too out of control, I decided to take Casey on a drive up the mountain. We had been visiting my parents that weekend and my dad lent me his cherry red 71’ Chevrolet Camaro for the ride.
I loved that car and loved taking it on a long mountainside road, since it had a long straight-away where traffic was limited. That car had gone from 0 to 60 MPH in first gear on more than one occasion, only to shift to second gear leaving a trail of rubber several yards long. I figured that the experience would be so exhilarating that there was no way Casey wouldn’t just pop out of whatever was bothering her.
My plan completely backfired. I took Casey on the mountainside road, only to look over and see that she had no expression whatsoever when it was over. Baffled by her lack of smiles, I decided to take her the rest of the way up the mountain. I was sure the overlooks from the mountainside would snap her out of her present mental condition.
Halfway up the mountain, Casey asked if we could turn around and go home. I, regretfully, did exactly as she asked. Later she explained that she thought I was taking her up into the mountains to murder her and leave her to be eaten by the bears.
Not exactly the result I was looking for.
Depression is a terrible disease that grasps people and holds onto them as they struggle to free themselves from its grasp. I really don’t know what it is like to suffer from depression, but I do know what it feels like to be married to someone who suffers from depression, and it isn’t easy. It is filled with its own issues that are difficult to overcome; however, as I’ve become more and more familiar with depression, I’ve learned how to cope with those challenges.
Here are some of the feelings I experience as I help Casey through her bouts of depression:
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Helplessness
One of the main things I had to learn to accept was a feeling of helplessness. Depression isn’t something that can just be fixed. It isn’t something that someone can just pop out of. I can’t just go out and buy Casey a cheeseburger and expect the depression to be gone the next day. There are things I do that help her through her depression, but I have to be reliant on the medication she takes and on the advice she gets from experts.
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Reliant on Others
I have had to learn to share what is happening in our lives with other people. Generally, I try not to share my family’s struggles with anyone outside of our little family. Depression can’t be handled like that. I can’t quit my job or quit school in order to be home to help and watch Casey through her struggles. At some point I have to rely on family and friends to step in and help. That means those people need to know what is really going on.
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Jealousy
Jealousy seems to be a prevailing feeling I have whenever depression rears its ugly head. I’m not jealous of those who don’t have to deal with depression, I’m jealous I don’t get the same kind of help that my wife gets. There are things in my life that are incredibly stressful, but I can’t go to my wife for help in the way she can come to me when she suffers from depression. There are times where I want to be the one who is carried through a few days of difficult times. It isn’t that Casey is unwilling, because she is, it’s that I can’t let her because adding my problems to hers only increases the rate at which her depression spirals out of control.
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Loneliness
Being the other spouse in a marriage affected by depression is incredibly lonely. Although we do rely on help from family and friends, for the most part dealing with the depression is left to me. The feelings I have as I work to help Casey through her depression is left for me to experience on my own. I can’t share those feelings and struggles with Casey because she’s dealing with the real problem.
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Unloved
A feeling of being unloved often goes hand-in-hand with the feeling of loneliness. Casey struggles to love herself as she suffers from depression, and there isn’t really much room there for her to express any love or gratitude for what I do to help her. Many of my efforts go unrewarded and unacknowledged. Sometimes her actions can even be accusatory. I always try to remember that I must take all of her actions objectively until the depression is gone, but that doesn’t somehow make it all easier to accept.
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Fear
I don’t know how anyone married to someone who is suffering from depression can’t feel at least some fear. When I was first learning about Casey’s depression, I started to wonder if anything bad could really happen if it got too out of control. A trip the hospital, followed by an ambulance ride to the psychiatric ward answered that question. As I leave the house to go to work or while Casey is locked away in our bedroom, I constantly fear that something bad may be happening.
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Overwhelmed
It’s very easy to start to feel overwhelmed. When Casey gets depressed the vast majority of the parenting responsibilities and household chores are shifted to me to handle. It can be downright exhausting to go to work all day and to come home only to get everyone fed, cleaned and ready for bed. Throw in the laundry and the household cleaning and I’ve taken about as much as I can on any given day.
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Like an Actor
Casey likes to tell people that she gets tired of acting like she’s happy. It has been one of her biggest complaints. When she is depressed I feel like an actor a lot of the time too. There I am completely overwhelmed and consumed with all the other feelings I have already mentioned, but I can’t let Casey see any of those feelings. She can’t see that I’m struggling to help her. She needs to see that I love her unconditionally and that helping her through her struggles is a privilege and nothing more.
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Confident
Believe it or not, I also feel fairly confident. I’ve gone through the process so many times now I can easily recognize the stages and I’ve learned just what I need to do during each phase. I can tell about how much longer the bout of depression will last and I’ve learned to trust the process I’ve developed.
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Relief
Along with that confidence, I usually get a sense of relief when the depression finally hits Casey with all its force. I’m not relieved that Casey has to struggle through feelings of depression, but depression often lingers in the background for months and keeps her from enjoying life like she should. Having the depression fully enter her mind means that it is just a matter of time before the depression leaves again and my wife is fully mine again.
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Thank you for writing this. I am currently struggling with PPD, and have sent this to my husband. I hope it tells him what I can’t find the words to say.
@al–I hope it helps him and I hope you get through the PPD as quickly as possible. Thanks for commenting.
Cody, this is important stuff to work through. My wife’s gotten through a lot of her down times, but it’s still something we’ve got to stay on the lookout for. One of the things that I did early on was to volunteer for all night activities with our daughter, from the day that she came home from the hospital until now. I am lucky to have that flexibility. Sleep is such a big deal.
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The other thing I’m working on is not being such a clueless, insensitive lame-o. That one’s a little tougher.
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http://raisedbymydaughter.blogspot.com/
@Neal–Oh boy do I miss the days when I could sleep in every weekend. I’ve learned that a well rested wife makes for a happy home, so my wife does most of the sleeping in.
Thank you for this. It’s refreshing to see that other people are going through the same thing. For me it’s my husband that is battling a depression, we are working on changing things in our lives to help with it but some days are very difficult. Good luck to you and your family.
@Ashley–I’ve been amazed at how many families depression affects. When I was growing up I didn’t hear anything about depression, but now it seems like depression is everywhere. It’s sad that it is everywhere, but it is good that people are starting to recognize what type of problem depression is and working on finding treatment. Thanks for commenting.
I suffer from clinical depression myself. But it sounds to me like your wife is struggling much more than I am. Although my depression can grab me tight and attempt to strangle me, I am able to love and support my fiance and my children. It almost sounds to me like your wife is not being properly treated. Even with depression, there should be more good days than bad(if the medication and counseling are correct). You make it sound as if she is not support, and is unable to show you any love. If that is the case, her depression is not being treated properly. She SHOULD be herself MOST of the time…but it seems as though her true self only shows up every now and again. I can tell you love your wife very much, so please for both of your sake, consider other options. Talk to her doctor. Marriage is always worth saving(as long as there is no abuse). God Bless you both.
@Jess–We do have more good times than bad, by far. But there are times where the depression comes and she gets lost in that world. She has a doctor who she works with and she has been on the most effective medicine we have found over our twelve years together. Even with the help of medicine, depression can’t be completely eliminated, it can only managed. Thanks for commenting.
This was good for me to read. My husband suffers from depression and the first 2 years after my son was born were really hard. However, we have found, through counseling that keeping my feelings about his depression to myself and acting as a martyr has actually contributed to the cycle of his depression..and my anxiety. It works better if we’re both honest and loving with each other. I now know that its best for me to ask him if there is anything I can do to help and then to just give him space. Eventually, he comes out of it. When I’m too involved, it brings both of us down.
@Shannon–That’s what I’ve found too. Telling Casey about these things while she’s in a depression doesn’t help. After several years of trial and error, we’ve found a process that seems to work. Everyone has a different experience with depression even though there are many similarities. It’s important to figure out what works for you as a couple and to run with it. Thanks for commenting.
Thank you for this. As the wife that suffers from overwhelming depression, and having an Army husband who never complains, it’s good for me to realize how my disease might affect him. It’s a reminder to try to reach past the depression and thank him for all he does – both when it has me in its grip as well as the good times when he’s working to prevent an episode by taking the “night shift” with our toddler or sending me off to an extra karate class to relax. (It’s amazing how much a little exercise can lift you out of the depression, if only for an hour or two.)
Cody, thank you for your honesty. For me, I’m not sure exactly what I’m dealing with in my husband. He has an addiction, but there’s an element of depression, and I don’t know which came first. I can, though, relate to every feeling you’re going through. Finally understanding that this is out of my control, and I can’t change him, but I can support him as he goes through it has helped me deal with it one day at a time. While it doesn’t make it any easier, it’s relieving to know I’m not the only one going through this.