The Daddy Darwin Awards: Freelance Sperm DonatorRon Mattocks
Despite the best efforts of good dads to debunk negative stereotypes, there will always be a contingent of males who, although capable of breeding, shouldn’t for many, many, many reasons, and yet they do so anyway out of brainlessness, ignorance, and all around, general imbecility. Given the idiotic, irresponsible stuff they’ve done, I’ve become a firm believer in the tenants of Natural Selection. Unfortunately, though, it’s not likely that this dubious bunch will ever gather up like a flash mob of lemmings and run over the side of a cliff anytime soon. For now, however, I will have to settle for nominating them for the Daddy Darwin Awards.
Meet Trent Arsenault, a 36-year-old HP engineer from Fremont, California. What’s Arsenault’s claim to fame? He’s fathered 14 children, with another four on the way. But wait, that’s best part. According to an article in the San Francisco Chronicle, Arsenault advertises his services via the web, and based on his earlier stats he’s been a busy boy.
From these ads, women contact Arsenault, and when the monthly alarm goes off on their biological clock, these women then text Arsenault before heading over to his place. Meanwhile, as Arsenault explained, it takes him 15 minutes to do his thing into a sterile cup, and “it’s hot off the press” by the time a woman shows up. So basically, the whole process is like ordering Chinese takeout. Hot sperm ready in fifteen minutes, or get an order of eggrolls free!
The Chronicle has dubbed Arsenault the “Barry Bonds of sperm,” but Arsenault prefers, instead, the term “donor-sexual.” Which means? “It means that 100 percent of my sexual energy is devoted to being a sperm donor,” Arsenault explained. And lest you think Arsenault is some type of a biological gigolo, know that he’s not looking to make wads of cash from his …ehem, wad. There’s no charge.
Such charity also includes an offer to have a relationship with the child …provided the mother signs consent forms releasing him from being “legally, financially, or emotionally responsible for any child(ren) or medical expense that results from the artificial insemination procedure.”
But there’s a problem (well, besides the obvious). Arsenault’s fundamental rights to reproduce, “out of love to have a child,” are being challenged by the government. Apparently the U.S. Food and Drug Administration isn’t too keen on Arsenault’s “manufacturing” of sperm—something about it violating regulations concerning testing sperm donors for communicable diseases or whatever.
So here we go again—big government interfering with a citizen’s personal freedoms, in this case a “father” with a love for having children which he will be there for as long as he’s in no way legally, financially or emotionally responsible for them. Why would the FDA think it a good idea to keep Arsenault’s “freelance” sperm donating in check? Haven’t they done enough already to maintain the safety of all bodily fluids meant for donation? (That’s sarcasm, folks.)
Mr. Arsenault, consider yourself nominated. Any text messages about a flash mob meeting near the Grand Canyon are coincidental.
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Ron Mattocks is a father of five (3 sons, 2 stepdaughters) and author of the book, Sugar Milk: What One Dad Drinks When He Can’t Afford Vodka. He blogs at Clark Kent’s Lunchbox, and lives in Houston with his wife, Ashley, who eternally mocks his fervor for Coldplay.