The Obligatory "Jay-Z Is Now A Dad" Postjasonavant
So Jay-Z and Beyonce had their baby (pauses to do a Google search because honestly, celebrity babies are about as interesting to me as aluminum siding) this past Sunday. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Mr. and Mrs. -Z, he is a hip hop star of considerable repute and she was Austin Powers’ female sidekick in Goldmember. The two are exceedingly wealthy and so they named their baby (pauses to do a Google search) Blue Ivy (pauses to redo Google search because really? Blue Ivy? Isn’t that a Batman villainess? Huh. No, apparently not) because saddling their children with ridiculous names is a thing that exceedingly wealthy celebrities do, dating back to the time when America thought that Johnny Cash’s dad really did name him Sue.
What makes this funny (other than, you know, Blue Ivy) is that despite the fact that Jay-Z and Beyonce seem to be nice, well-adjusted exceedingly wealthy celebrities, some hub-bub surrounded the impending birth. As in “Beyonce is faking it” and “Jay-Z follows a secret cabal of ultrapowerful men that secretly rules the world and his soon-to-be born child will be raised as one of these mysterious powerful Overlords”.
First, Beyonce’s “fakery.” Apparently there were quite a few people who though that Beyonce was walking around wearing a fake “baby bump”. Crazy, right? The Blue Ivy Birther Movement! Like any reputable news organization would give credo to such nonsense. But as ridiculous as the notion of faking being pregnant is to those of us who aren’t slack-jawed TMZ addicts, it pales in comparison to the Jay-Z/Illuminati fable. Apparently, Jay-Z is into Satan worship and is an agent of the Illuminati, the secret society of ultrapowerful men that really controls the world, and Blue Ivy’s name is some sort of of coded message…eh, it’s complicated. This guy explains it way better than I can. Or if that’s too much to sit through, Twitter account “@KattWilliamsParody” (actually run by paranormal expert Leonard Nimoy, best known as the former host of 70’s science mystery series In Search Of…) provides this handy summary:
Makes perfect sense, no? Despite all of the nonsense, once the baby arrived Jay-Z immediately raced to the nearest music studio and laid down a fat track for his new baby daughter who will grow up to rule us all with an iron fist. And you know, despite some painfully awkward lyrics (“You’re my child with the child of Destiny’s Child”), it’s actually a pretty sweet song. So congrats and don’t sweat the hub-bub, Jay-Z and Beyonce. You two crazy kids are gonna do just fine.
Think Blue Ivy is weird? Check out more of Babble’s 50 Weirdest Celeb Baby Names!