Top 7 Places Not to Offer Dads Advice … Or Else
Do moms get parenting advice pretty much everywhere they go?
Because if you’re a stay-at-home dad, people will be sure to let you know you’re doing everything wrong seemingly everywhere you go.
It gets old. Fast.
From having someone try to actually grab my baby away and “teach” me how to hold her at play group to someone tsk-tsking my menu decisions at a nice restaurant, I’ve seen and heard it all. I get it on some level, I do. People are trying to be friendly or helpful or maybe just start a conversation, and it might come out wrong or be taken in a way that wasn’t intended. But there are times when it’s perfectly clear: they don’t think you know what the hell you’re doing, and the world has appointed them to show you.
In these moments, I usually offer a congenial “thanks” and go the other way. But there are times — boy, are there times — when I want to let the snarky comebacks fly. Usually I let it fly on the way home, however, because I don’t have the mental capacity to come up with a good zinger in the moment or care to engage in verbal warfare in front of the kid.
The French have a phrase for this: “Espirit d’escalier,” or wit of the staircase, because you always think of great things to say while walking away. So I wanted to pair some of my favorite tidbits of unsolicited advice I’ve received over the years while out with my daughter with the things I wish I had said. If you can think of better retorts, and I’m sure you can, I’d be thrilled to hear them … for the next time someone harasses me at the mall.
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Airplanes
These are the worst. You're held captive for several hours, unable to get away from parenting talk, when all you want to do is spend five peaceful hours reading a book. On one childless flight, a dad spent 30 minutes telling me how to baby proof a room. What I said: "Bumpers? On the furniture? All of the furniture? Go on, I'm listening." What I wanted to say: "Do you carry bubble wrap for when the kid goes outside? Good god, man, he could FALL!"
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Online
I vented about something on Facebook and a casual acquaintance said I needed "better time management skills." What I said: Nothing. Clicked the "Like" button. What I wanted to say: "You just solved all my life's problems in two sentences. You're like the Anne Sullivan of Facebook!"
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Ballparks
A friendly enough woman leaned over a couple chairs and pointed out two playground slides clearly visible beyond the right field fence. What I said: "Cool, thanks." What I wanted to say: "What? There's a playground here? You mean those big slide-looking thingies right in front of us? Yeah, thanks. But I think it's baseball time at the ballpark."
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Bars
When I used to drink, I remember getting the strangest advice from people, especially those without kids at all. One young, childless guy was going on and on about how awesome spanking was and how not enough parents were doing it nowadays. "Sometimes you just have to let them have it," he insisted. What I said. "I'll remember to beat the crap out of her every now and then just to let her know I care." What I wanted to say: "I'll remember to beat the crap out of her every now and then just to let her know I care." (Hey, score one for booze!)
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Grocery Stores
A woman thrust a box of Annie's crackers into my hands. "She needs to have these," the woman said, motioning to my daughter. What I said: "We like Goldfish, thanks." What I wanted to say: "Aww, that's sweet. You assume I feed her on Tuesdays!"
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Restaurants
A woman actually looked over and clucked her tongue when I ordered my daughter macaroni and cheese. What I said: Nothing. I just gave her a quizzical look, met by her rolling eyes, followed by silence. What I wanted to say: "Seriously? Macaroni and cheese is on the terrorist watch list now? Have you never been a child?"
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Playgrounds
An elderly nanny pushed me out of the swing path and spent five minutes showing me how to make "proper" faces at my swinging baby. What I said: "Ha ha. Oh, cute." (Checks watch) What I wanted to say: "Are you having a stroke?"
Read more from Mike at Cry It Out! or on Facebook.
Previously …
A Surprisingly Awesome and Genius Use for Cardboard Boxes
Top 5 Sites for Dads to Get in Shape
Photo: HP.com
Slideshow photos: Morguefile
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this drives me insane! you are not alone…I am a mom and get this all the time, i can only imagine that it is even worse for you guys dadding out in the world…why do people not stop and think about one simple thing before they open their mouths: they don’t know our kids or anything about them! unless bodily or psychological harm is about to be inflicted, just let me and mine do it OUR way, THANKS!
When people only see me with my 6 year old they try too, but not so much with the teenagers. I would love to say “F%& YOU!”, but if I am really annoyed I answer with the fact that I already have two teenagers and have taught preschool for more than a decade, and have gone to school for this. It usually shuts them up. But yes moms get it just as often, especially if they look young, and I do.
My go to line, “Really? Do you think I’m a complete moron or do you think you’re a parenting genius? Offering “advice” to strangers may “seem” like you’re “helping” me out, but honestly you’re being an egotistical asshole.” If I have a free hand I make sure to make finger quotes. lol Usually, they just shake their head & walk away. Oh, & when strangers touched my pregnant belly I squeeze their’s back & say “nobody likes it when strangers rub their belly!”
oooooooooooooh my gosh…sir…you OBVIOUSLY have FAR more patience than I do. I don’t take that crap well, and to answer your question about moms, yes, at least the young ones do. I was in walmart with my little girl just a few weeks after she’d been born and she was wrapped up in her quilt as it was chilly out and some woman tried to TAKE my daughter from me and show me how to “properly” wrap her up….I turned away so she couldn’t touch my child and told her if she wanted to keep her hands, she’d better keep them away from my child and what did she think she was doing just grabbing for someones kid, didn’t she know that made her look like a kidnapper?! She stared at me like I’d lost my mind, but seriously….do NOT touch my child, I don’t know you lady!
I think the comment that got me the most – though it wasn’t advice – was when I was 16 and at the bus stop BREASTFEEDING my 3 month old daughter. A little old lady walked up and said “It’s so nice you’re taking care of your little sister.” I couldn’t help myself, I was 16 after all, and replied “Yeah, I’m just breastfeeding her for my mom while she’s out of town.” I mean seriously, I wasn’t even coverd up, so you could clearly see what I was doing!
fabulous. Old ladies always tell me that my children are cold. It is not that helpful.
Yay….Can’t wait for my hubby-man to go out with ours and someone tell him he’s doing it wrong. That someone will be putting his life in danger.
I recall times when my small, 17-yr-old daughter would help by taking care of her 2-yr-old sister, after my wife died in a car accident. There were more than just a few grown women who would offer their opinions of a “child raising a child” – or “How old were you when you got pregnant?! My teenage daughter never got herself pregnant!!” I was raised with inhibiting manners – now that I have thicker skin, you would have read the news about various women getting beaten down by an “out-of-control” father. I had five kids when Marie died – four under the age of ten. I am not a good-looking man, and not financially successful, either. I suspect that might be one reason that I could not get a dependable childcare provider, when the children needed a mother-figure there. I really resented the self-righteous older man at our church who declared that his great-grandfather managed to raise his four (older) kids on the farm after HIS wife died – and why couldn’t I be at work?! (None of the other men in our group took issue with him on that, either). Sometimes, WE have to be the ones to act like grownups -even if we are the only ones who see it that way.
My favorite response is “Excuse me, do I know you? Then why are you talking to me?”
Usually shuts them up really fast.
ug, I HATE nosy people who think they know everything. They just sap the fun out of a first pregnancy! I’m due in 2 weeks and I can’t tell you how many people have tried to rub my stomach or tell me their birth stories. Eeewww! I don’t want to hear that. I will ASK if I want to know thank you. And no creepy 40 something dude, you cannot touch my stomach or I will sock you in yours. I’ve had to literally step away from outstretched hands, and thankfully my hubby was there to threaten the guy so I didn’t have to.
“what? I just wanted to feel the baby.”
“If you feel up my wife, you’ll start feeling like your HAVING a baby.”
God, I love that man.
My bf has a 5yrold little girl…I help him out with her on his days:)
but dicaplining her is always my challenge……any advise?
LOL I think this is too funny when my now oldest two children were 2ish and 4ish one teenager thought I was about 16 I told him turn around and look at the two kids on my friends swing set! Seriously I was 12 LOL I was 26 at the time. My husband now, and he is Albino so he looks more like a grand father you should see the strange looks we get and comments! Wow your grandkids are so cute yada yada until he points out that he is 45 and I am 36 We just had a new baby in Feb to add to our collection. Between 3 marriages for him and this is my 2nd we have 7 “kids” Ages 27/19/ 15/ 15/ 2 and 1 month. I wish I had a bus. Seriously my favorite come back for some well meaning idiot wanting to rub my belly( only if you have a barf bag handy) I have morning sickness and yes this works even at 9 months along
I think though the problem is; especially with some older people is the mentality of MOM being the one at home bare foot and pregnant raising the kids. Just because dad wasn’t a 200 lb toaster oven for 9 months ( until those buns were done cooking) Does not mean that he isn’t just as capable of changing and feeding a little person , or otherwise caring for. If you don’t believe me just ask my husband DALE 
I take advantage of his services as a DAD everyday!!!