A Feast Of Deadbeats: Love, Sadness, And Long Gone Daddies
The Together Forever Gang Rides Again
Adele is in the news again, this time talking about her 48-year-old father.
Or her lack of one.
The 23-year-old Grammy champ says that her days of trying to get a bit closer to her estranged dad are over and that should she happen to run into him, she “will spit in his face,” according to an interview in Vogue magazine.
This is a shame too, because what a thrill it would be to be in your young 20s, and to be able to share the rarest of lives, of success stories, with your dad. I can hardly think of the prospect of anything cooler in this world.
And yet, she has her reasons, I’m certain.
Being abandoned by an alcoholic dad hurts like hell.
I should know.
Mine split the scene when my younger brother and I were still in our single digits. He just disappeared one night with his girlfriend, just up and vanished from the nice house where we’d been born/where he’d been staying with her, while my mom and my brother and I moved in with my grandparents; all of us crammed up in their ancient hovel of a home; a house known throughout the kingdom as the Leaning Tower of Lead Poisoning: a Mother Hubbard Bo-Bo balancing itself upon itself in a profound display of architectural melancholy.
The hurt of him leaving never goes away, either. The punch in the guts that comes from one of your parents leaving you, never bothering with you: that’s a punch that continues to punch, even long after you drop someday when you’re out shoveling snow, or after you fade away in some hospice bed. Whenever the person who was supposed to care the most ends up caring the least, well. The swat goes right on stinging long after you’re each dead and gone.
The world is littered with legacy of dads like Adele’s.
Dads like mine.
Grown men who got a woman pregnant and then decided that they’d rather not be bothered, for whatever reason. Then, while little people struggle to grow and understand how, why that parent is never ever there, in between catching lightning bugs in summer night jars and happily tossing the baseball around the yard with a mom who is both wonderful and exhausted, they begin to process all of that humbling hurt.
They begin to convince themselves that they will never get any of that missing love back.
Meanwhile, in some bar somewhere, or in some condo in some suburb, the one who left never turns off the excuse-maker in their mind. Their brains adapt in order to survive and, little by little, they are able to convince themselves that, for whatever reason, they simply had to go.
Listen.
If you happen to read this and you have been left behind by a mom or a dad at some point, just know that you aren’t alone. And know this. Know that you can make all that pain, all that missing and loving and wishing that we convince ourselves doesn’t exist, (because we have to get strong early and stay strong forever) you can make all of that stuff mean something after all; by trying your damnedest to never ever hurl the same terrible scorpions into your own kids’ beds; by never ever repeating what has been thrust upon you. Live with the hurt if you’ve got it. Roll with the punches that keep on coming, and someday you can bring much good from the blues living under your heart.
And, by some strange chance, should you happen to be reading this as the person who left.
If once upon a time it was you who ran a last yellow light at the outskirts of town.
If it was you who gunned the engine as the last streaks of day slipped below the horizon and you felt some sort of freedom coming back/something returning/some sort of lost art of breathing filling you up again, making you whole again/if you felt like the air that had been missing from your sails, the free that had been missing from your freedom had been returned to you on the smooth feathered back of an American eagle, please know one thing and that thing is this: there is a certain ghost who watches you, silently, from across crowded streets, following you up staircases and escalators, peering at you just sitting there, through more windows than you could possibly ever imagine.
And please please know that someday before long, when the time is just exactly right, he is coming in.
You could not have said it better. I applaud you for writing this and I hope some parents out there see it. I am one of those tired moms, but blessed that I have my children.
Very moving. Good work.
A Standng Ovation for this post. Here, Here.
This one is my favorite of all you have shared with us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
My sister left her daughter with us…this applies to dead beat mom’s, too. But somehow I think a mom leaving you is harder to deal with than a dad leaving. She actually gave you life and then didn’t think you were worth dying for.
This is perfect, Serge. I know how Adele feels now, but I hope she can have the turnaround that I had with my own father in my early twenties. I blamed him all for the divorce and it wasn’t until enough time had passed that I felt okay to begin to talk with him again. I was lucky to have him around until I was about 13 and honestly, I still say to this day how happy I was that I didn’t have to go through puberty with a dad. It was sort of like we just picked up both as adults and while we have a father-daughter relationship, there’s no level of authority or fear when he found out that I was living with someone and that I was probably (well definitely) sleeping with them. It’s kind of this weird dynamic of with him that we’re both adults, but also the relation of father-daughter is kind of an afterthought. My accomplishments are mine—I didn’t get them from my old man—and while now I’ve rambled on far too long, I wanted to say thanks for writing this. It really made me think a lot about my own father and that is good thing, for me at least. I hope that Adele (and all the other disconnected people) will find some kind of a relationship (if they want one).
Also, I don’t even *have* children, but I come to Babble daily to read your and Monica’s posts. So I hope the folks there know how good it is to have you writing for them!
Amazing post. AMAZING. I’m one left behind, and you can bet my children will never feel those scorpions.
I’m showing this to my daughter who still mourns the idea of the father who wasn’t.
Were you inferring that Adele’s father is an alcoholic? I wasn’t sure.
My father was emotionally and physically abusive throughout my life, and when I finally left the house (moving out in secret, because he is unpredictable with a violent temper), he told police I had threatened him (a lie) and had me arrested.
I haven’t spoken to him since June ’11 and I do not miss him, because he was never a real father to me. I am sometimes overcome with rage at the mentally unstable, volatile man whom I have half my genes from, and the pain and grief he has caused me. But no one ever said life was fair. I have my supportive mother (now almost officially divorced from him) and loving sister, and am surrounded by loving friends.
But the ache of not having a father? I’m not sure that will EVER go away. My brain cries out for a logical step, the missing link. He does not love me…..why? My brain sometimes makes the mistake of thinking it is because I am inherently unloveable. I try to tell that illogical part of my brain to shut up, but it doesn’t always listen.
This is so moving. My Dad wasn’t around a lot because he and my Mom never married, but I never once felt unloved. He made sure that I knew how happy he was to have me as his daughter. I’m really glad that he did. Really glad.
I’m so glad Adele spoke up and said, “this is not OK!”. I’m also glad to read your take on your life as a kid; all I can say is: whoa. The way you convey the aftermath you experienced is beyond powerful. To paraphrase Monica, the dude can write.
I think the cosmos are trying to speak to me. This story parallels my life in SO MANY ways. My parents divorced 12 years ago when I was 21, and my dad walked out of my life. It was horrifying and I was so self-destructive for years afterward. I finally pulled myself up by the bootstraps and not only learned to love myself again, I let go of the anger and hate I feel toward him. I don’t forgive him, oh no. Never. Not that he’s asked. But I am not letting the fact that he’s a characterless narcissist determine my self-worth any more. The crazy thing is 2 nights ago, he contacted me for the first time in 7 years about the most mundane thing in the world. And even though I’m doing so good and love my life, SO MUCH ANGER has surfaced in the past 48 hours, and that pisses me off. I’m angry that the ANGER is still there. So no, you never fully get past the smack that is hearing “there is nothing between us any more,” but I agree, his ghosts have to be much, much worse.
I’m not all religious-y, but holy shit, man. AMEN! I’m sure some “abondoners” eventually feel remorse and try to make up for it, but that can never undo what is done. All actions have consequences–not just for thy self. You give me that ghosts’ number. I got some brass knuckles it can borrow.
Extremely well written, thank you. It’s such a rare thing to have a good dad. I was lucky – my dad was wonderful, but he died when I was 19. My own daughter’s real father never bothered to visit her, and she and her step-father (now my ex) never got along because he so obviously favored her brother and treated her like shit most of her life. They don’t speak now. The whole bad/non-existent father thing makes me very sad because it affects so many people and so much of EVERYTHING. But it’s not just fathers and the pain they cause isn’t always from leaving. My husband had to change his phone number yesterday because his alcoholic mother – who he is not speaking to because he finally got completely fed up with the way she treats him – kept calling and leaving horrible messages. He has tried for years to deal with her and love her even when she’s abusive, but nothing works with her, and she refuses to even acknowledge she has a problem.
Thank you for being one of the rare good dads; it’s nice to know there are still some out there. My husband never had kids of his own, but he loves my kids and has been there for them way more than their own fathers ever were.
Amazing. So darn perfect.
Loved reading this and the timing is perfect. I am 30 and have a deadbeat mom. She tried contacting me every few years but it’s always in effort to sabotage something for me. I was reflecting this week about how well I’m doing and how happy I feel and boom, it’s like the spidey sense and she contacted me today. This was just what I needed to read.
My mother grew up with an abusive, raging alcoholic father whom her mother never found the courage to leave. Lucky for me and my siblings, my mother married her dad’s opposite. My parents are not perfect, but they were always good, solid, loving parents. A few years ago, when my mother was wondering aloud about whether she really had accomplished much in her life (she’s now in her 70s) I told her something. I told her that her greatest, most amazing, most phenomenal achievement was breaking the chain. She broke the chain of alcoholism and abuse. You’ve done it too, Serge. You’ve broken the chain. Just maintain the break, dude. Some day, your kids will be fully aware of this. And they will know it is the biggest, most important gift you ever could have given them.
you sir, have a gift.
Holy Hell, can you ever write! And yes, I am one of you.
You and me both sister. Wonderfully written.
Such a great post.
My biological father gave away his parental rights when I was four. While I was adopted by my mom’s second husband two years later ( who IS my dad in every way except biolgocally, no question) , if I actually sit down and imagine the thought process of a dad deciding to do this, it stings really bad, even at 34 years old. Especially now becacuse I have a daughter, and leaving is beyond comprehension to me.
Dude, I couldn’t have said it as well as you did. Thank you for that. I, too, am one of your kind, along with my 3 siblings. My alcoholic father walked away when I was about 12. My 3 kids (24, 22, 20) have met their grandfather once, his loss, not theirs. The token box of choclates or lame candle at Christmas time from him is the sucker punch for me. I hope 4 ghosts show up as his door one day.
Wow…just WOW. Incredibly well written!
You’re a real talent. I hope you find a website other than Babble for it.
Amen and perhaps the best thing you ever wrote.
Thank you, Serge. We have this scenario in my family and my abandoned stepbrother inherited my dad’s issues complete with a tragic ending. Unfortunately, it is apparently common since we have another abandonment that I hope will not end so sadly. It’s heartbreaking all around.
BOTH parents left me, first my father then, my mother.
I know this pain you speak of, and no words can do it justice, however hard one may try.
You brought tears to my eyes. My heart breaks whenever I think of how much pain my sons father will cause him in the future. Thank you for this post…it helps knowing he is not alone.
How about a mom who chose not to stay with the Dad?
My mom left us kids way back in the day. It used to hurt, but she was a drunk. As I grow older, I realize that growing up with a drunk for a mother was a hell of a lot worse than growing up without a mother.
My brother found her dead in the bathroom when she was 39. I’ve even forgotten what her voice sounded like. My little sister hardly remembers her at all. She walked out on us when my baby sister was only two and I was 12.
Great post. And thanks for acknowledging that no matter how old you are, the hurt doesn’t ever really dissipate, even if those who ARE still around really want it to for you. There simply is no replacement for an abandoning parent.
serge – you did it again… one of your best, so far…
a thought, though… leaving kids behind is awful… but, sometimes the reason for leaving or the reason for the split, is the relationship with the spouse. a continually unhappy/irrational/tense atmosphere could have its share of negative effects on the children… and who are we to know if such effects would be worse than the ones generated by a father actually leaving?!
again – just a thought – and by no means an excuse for people who left without even giving it a shot…
I understand divorce… that people can’t hang around, maybe that they shouldn’t hang around for the sanity of all involved. I know my husband’s heart though, and even if we were at each other’s throats and determined to never live another minute together, he would love our children with the same exact ridiculous level of “I would do ANYTHING” that I do. I can completely understand not loving the mother/father anymore… that it just doesn’t work out, for whatever reason. What I can not for the life of me comprehend, is ever in 10 trillion years, not being there for your child… mother or father, no difference. People just don’t even realize the depth of their ignorance, I guess.
I don’t know that the ghost really is coming in. And even if he did, they don’t care about that ghost. They only care about themselves.
Wow..This post really hits home today. Thank you!
I feel compelled to reply to you, Serge. I’m in your daughter’s position: my dad’s dad was an alcoholic who abandoned the family when my dad was 5. My dad was raised by his wonderful single mother, but I know he always felt he didn’t really have a role model for how to be a dad. I think he turned out wonderfully. He didn’t have a lot of baggage about men’s vs. women’s work and his Man of the House status, so he just did whatever needed to be done for us. He was just a great parent because he tried so hard to be better and he always stayed involved. He’s not a perfect person by any means, but he showed up for work every day and showed us that he wanted to be there. I credit my healthy relationship with him for my stable relationships with men as an adult. I see my women friends’ relationships with their more traditional dads, and now their husbands who are the fathers of their children, and I wouldn’t trade my dad for the world. His dedication was/is on a whole other level. You can turn the sadness from your childhood and your outsider status as a dadless dad into a source of strength as you parent your own kids. All of us parents are just hanging in there, day after day, putting one foot in front of the other and trying to show our love as much as possible. You’re doing a great job.
My dad ebbed and flowed out of my life, like an ocean wave, except his bouts of activity weren’t that graceful. He’s now trying again, making this his “year of changes”, and btw I’m 25. I’ve been dealing with this my entire life. My daughter’s babysitter/proxy aunt and myself were discussing this just the other day: which is worse- have a father who just disappears? or have a father who can’t dedicate himself to the cause enough to stick in or out of a child’s life (kind of like when a mom tells the kid to play inside or outside, but stop slamming the damn door)? I told her that I felt that my instance was worse, but I’m sure to some people I’m wrong. It pains me to see that so far in my daughter’s life, I’ve inflicted a similar hell upon my daughter without meaning to. I reckon I never saw that my ex-husband would be the type of f*cker who would just disappear, but here we are, and here he is not. She tells me (had to stop typing for a minute because I almost started sobbing) that she doesn’t have a daddy, but that she will soon. She’s not even 5, and she’s this zen about it. I hope she’s right. I hope that she does gain a daddy soon. Lord knows I’m trying to find her one, since the biological one has no interest, apparently.
This is a wonderful piece of work, the problem is that a lot of woman have a tendency to use a child as a weapon against the father thus making it very difficult for a father/daughter relationship…. this was what happened to me…. I saw my bio father very little because of my mother…. My husband is now going through this with his own daughter. Sometimes mothers play it off as the dads when in all actuality the mother is the true problem…. Just a thought there that maybe the WHOLE story hasnt emerged….
I am also one who was left behind. The only time I hear from my dad is when he is sick or on his birthday or a hurricane is heading their way. But even that doesn’t account for him leaving us when I was five. I knew he left, and perhaps it was for the best, but until I was 13 I only had memories of him and mom fighting.
He moved to South Florida (with his other family) so he wouldn’t have to pay child support and left my mom holding the bag. We had a hard life, but after living with my father and his preferred family as an adult, I think I was better off without him. Don’t get me wrong, he has helped in some ways (like getting my car out of repo) but, emotionally, he was wrapped so wrapped up in himself that I even had to warn my husband that my dad was “prejudiced against anyone who wasn’t himself” and I still hold to that today.
Sometimes it’s just best to move on and realize you are probably better off without them.
Wow, this is moving… it just goes to to show that you don’t need an amazing father to become one… or in your brothers case, just a real good guy. I guess it’s always our “stories” that make us who we are. I know for a fact that you both are guys who make a difference in your friends and family’s lives up close and from afar with your words and song!!
Amen,a 1000 xs over to this post,Ive prayed always that the pain,my boys endured would not break them,but make them,into a woderful human being.Unfortunatly,it tends to leave a great scar on their hearts and souls,forever. And that is one thing,that i could not fix,nor could i take away,and I still struggle with that as their mother,even though,I know it has nothing to do with me,because after all,isn;t that what moms are suppose to do,help their children in anyway they can .Love my sons sooooooo much and think they are amazing grown men,now 23 and 25 yrs old.And I have a son that my now husband and I adopted,through fostering i once did,and he not only, had a Dad walk away,but also his mother,so I truely get this post,and the pain I feel for my sons as well.Thank you for this post,and the honesty of this dreadful problem in our world,and laying out there about these dead beat men,and women .
Very interesting read! My daughter’s biological father took off and moved to another state when she was only a year old. He also spent a good deal of time in jail and hasn’t seen her since she was a toddler. I got married when she was six and my husband has been her father ever since. Recently her biological father has been in contact with her via Facebook and text messaging. She is fifteen years old and I have mixed feelings about her reuniting with her biological father.
Thank you so much for writing this. I’ve never been abandoned by a parent, but my son has. I had forgotten how much it hurt, and I’d convinced myself that I didn’t care. My son is still very young, but I’m keeping this, and hopefully one day he will read it.
I don’t really agree the whole “you’ll get what’s coming to you” sentiment. It comes from such a place of anger, and I think what anyone who has been “left” really needs is acceptance. To let go of the wish that things could have been any different and get to a place of true forgiveness. The person is gone anyway, so the anger is only hurting yourself. And I truly believe that someone who would leave a child carries enough of a burden that nothing else needs to be heaped on them. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with a situation like this. You have a right to be angry, but you deserve to be happy. It’s not easy to find peace.
Before I met my husband, he had a child with his ex-girlfriend. Their relationship was terrible and they never married, but tried to stay together for their daughter. His ex actually moved away with his daughter when they separated and he has Limited contact with her because her mother simply doesn’t want him to be a part of their life. Now that we have a daughter of our own and his first daughter is getting older, his ex has gotten better about encouraging the contact between us all. My husband is a great father to our daughter, but his ex never even have him the chance to be good the first time around…she initiated the separation, she moved away, and she pushed him out of her life. So just because a father isn’t around his child very much, doesn’t make him a deadbeat.
I will never understand how my children’s father, a once successful white collar, former volunteer policeman, ex military (no combat), 3 am bottle feeding/diaper changing, boy scout leader, baseball coach daddy just slowly let his own ways destroy his life. He iniated a divorce because he thought he was missing something in his life when in reality he had what so many wish they had. Now 18 years later he really is missing something or everything. From having it all financially, emotionally to having nothing but a bottle of booze. Like the old saying goes, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence.
Wendi, you said it beautifully!
Ok. My father and mother split when I was six months old. According to my mother, he dropped her off at the hospital and went to the bar. He never came to visit her and my mother’s parents came to pick her up when she was discharged. He use to hit her, even when she was pregnant with me. She said that she left and lived with my grandparents because he was always spending his money at the bar and barely coming home.
He use to come to visit and pick me up to take me out to buy the newest Barbie. Mind you, he lived in the same small town as us. Later, while still very young, my father left town and we did not know where he went. I often remember my mother calling his brother and wife; also living in our town; to send a message to him when I was in need of something. That is the only way I would see him, and there were even times he never came.
Then, we found out he lived in Paterson with a woman who had a daughter and was expecting a child by him. He came by to show me my half-sister. I’ll never forget my mother telling him, “Don’t leave this one this time.”
He married her and they moved back to our small town. I was in school with her daughter, but never spoke to her. He would barely ever visit. Later, I became friends with the daughter. One day she invited me over to meet the family. After speaking to my stepmom she explained to me why my father never came around a lot. It was over a rumor that my stepmother’s friend told my father. She had told him that if he wants to be with my stepmom, then he better not bring me around.
Fast forward a little. . . . After being raised by my mother and grandmother, and losing contact with them, in 2007 (I am married with 4 children at this time), I found out via the internet that my grandma died. When I tried to get back in contact with my family that I was raised with, I was told through a message from my aunt to my mother-in-law that my mother no longer has a daughter.
I currently have a good relationship with my father and my stepmother and my two sisters. The family that I thought would have nothing to do with me after certain decisions I made in life, are the ones who support me and am in contact with me. My mother has not tried to contact me after many times I have tried to contact her.
One more thing I have an older stepdaughter that is raised by her mother so I know what it means to be on the other end of it all. You never know the entire story why someone left unless you give them a chance to tell you. My husband is a wonderful father to his 7 yes 7 children by him and me. So things are not what they always seem to be.
Such great writing. Really. I had a “perfect” life, despite my parents’ divorce. My dad was around…but he never hugged me, held me, told me he loved me or told me I was beautiful. We had everything, though. So that I can be thankful for…
As I watch my little girls’ father shower her with love and affection, I am grateful. Even though we’ve never been married, even though we don’t always get along, I am always sure I express my gratitude to him. He wasn’t around during my pregnancy, and it almost ate him alive. Thank you for sharing this.
I think it is amazing that someone can go through life without ever looking back. There is a man out there who will always have the memory of laying eyes on his baby girl, dropping off a stuffed animal and forever walking away. I wonder if he ever calculates the years that go by 5, 10, 21…35…. I wonder if he ever thinks about grandchildren in his old age as little ones pass by at the supermarket. I do know that when he is on his deathbed he will think of me and leave this earth with suffocating regret.
I have never been either of these with a father it was my mother who failed though we have made amends its not whole. My daughter now faces this as I am leaving her deadbeat father with more excuses than can be counted and playing the blame game on his own father who sits at the bar or at home drinking and making the same excuses. I don’t want my daughter to live without her father nor do I want to make her father’s choice for him, but I want my daughter safe and he has a record. So I am leaving to give her a better life and I hope one day he can grow up and be the father she needs. ANY MAN CAN BE A FATHER AS ANY WOMAN CAN BE A MOTHER BUT IT TAKES GUTS TO BE A PARENT. PARENTS OUT THERE BE BRAVE FOR YOUR CHILDREN THEY NEED YOU.
Beautiful. A sad syndrome I encounter on the daily, as I am a teacher of young children…so many of my students are making their way through life with a huge part of them missing, I recently wrote about it at: http://notanotherteenmommy.com/2011/12/09/151/
Thank you for posting this. I’m going to print this so that someday when my daughter is old enough to ask me where her dad is I will be able to read this to her. I know it will not take the pain away that comes with growing up without a dad but maybe it will help her keep her strength when times are tough.
Thank you. My daughters’ dad kicked us out after my money ran out. He has seen them maybe 3 times in @ 20 some odd years. They missed out. No child suppoert , etc. I could go on, but we all know the story. And now, they are paying the price, with not being able to form healthy relationships with male friends. I keep all the kids in this spot in my heart and my prayers, they are 2 of the strongest ladies I know!
Thank you for writing this. I recently had a baby and am married. I vow to never do what my father and my mother did. My father left us, my mother suffered from depression. We lived in squalor and my mom had no excuse has 3 degrees. I pretty much took care of my brother. I thank the lord (if there is one) everyday. I was able to leave my job recently and be home with my son. Being a mom is the best blessing in the world. I have never been happier. I am grateful I broke the cycle and found a true man (my husband) that is a fabulous father and a wonderful human being. I know he would never leave us because I married someone with values.
I am so glad to have read this! I am that exhausted single mother (of five) unable to imagine a day let alone years without my children. My ex left and made no contact for over two years. The next we heard was he had been found dead of a drug overdose in an apartment in Chicago. In some ways that freed my children as they finally know why he doesn’t call/write/see them, but I know the hurt runs deep. I will certainly save this for them. Thank you…
Your words are absolutely beautiful, made me realize my own hurt throughout the years with my father not wanting anything to do with or for me. Slowly throughout my adult years, we have been able to build somewhat of a relationship, but it never takes away the hurt.
Now my 6-month old son has to experience the same thing and it breaks my heart. His “sperm donor” is a good for nothing, pathetic excuse of a man who has fathered nearly 20 children with just as many women, even having a baby with another women 2 1/2 months before my son was born. I was with him for 3 years then found out about all this and after he hit me for confronting him about it, I left with the door still flapping quickly in the background and dust flying in the driveway. He wants nothing to do with my son because I left him. I have not forced child support or visitation, but I worry that my son will experience the same abandonment and hurt that I faced as a child.
So many broken homes…it’s so sad!
Having a second chance to know your parent who left for reasons maybe we will never understand or accept is such an opportunity to learn about yourself, to grow emotionally and hopefully know that your where and are loved.
I’ve always had a daddy-sized hole in my heart, and it was made permanent when he died in 2005. It’s an awful, lifelong loss.
I have to agree that Serge’s Dad was a complete deadbeat. Val’s post really moved me. I have never known want or fear as both my parents were absolutely
wonderful. They have both just recently passed away and if its possible I miss them more each day. I had a Dad who when he was not at work worked tirelessly to make both my brother sister mother and I happy nothing was too much for him. right up until his last breath he was telling us all that he loved us how lucky were we.
Serge,
This post made me cry.
There was a big dad-shaped hole in my life from the time I was seven to the age of 34. I finally tracked him down and he turned out to be a wonderful human being, not the bad guy he’d been painted. But it was too late.
It turned out that my mother had blocked all his attempts to see me, and sent back his letters and birthday presents. But I so wished he had tried harder.
I had to let go of pain and accept him as he was.
We had a nice relationship that was more one of adult friends than father and daughter in the few years before he died. But you can’t replace those missing years. All the explaining and excuses in the world can’t make up for them.
“Out of sight, out of mind” is one of the saddest phrases ever.