You’re never quite ready for what life delivers.
Especially when said delivery makes Pongo and Perdita’s brood of 101 look pretty small.
David Wozniak, an affable Peter Pan-type, has his mundane existence turned upside down when he learns that he’s fathered 533 children through the most epic fertility clinic fail ever.
Delivery Man, based on writer-director Ken Scott’s 2011 French-Canadian film Starbuck, tells his outrageous story of self-discovery that also has 142 of his children filing a class action suit to try to determine the true identity of the biological father they know only as Starbuck – his clinical pseudonym.
Wozniak (played by Vince Vaughn) ultimately gets a crash course in parenthood, as all first-timers do, albeit at a much smaller scale, learning that there’s a lot more to being a dad than he first realized.
And, as a tribute to the dysfunctionally functional families everywhere, enjoy this countdown of Disney’s most unconventional dads from okayest to best:
These dads make being uncommon an art! 1 of 12
Whether two-legged or four, they're all just trying to do right by their kids.
No. 10: Chief Powhatan 2 of 12
Painting with all the colors of the wind, howling at the blue corn moon - this dad has his hands full, and he's in charge of looking after an entire tribe. No wonder he's all about tough love. And sure, the whole arranged marriage thing isn't cool, but we know why he was trying to set up that love connection.
No. 9: The Sultan 3 of 12
Bumbling attempts (blame Jafar) at connecting with his headstrong daughter aside, this dad has only ever wanted what's best for her. Pretty sure that becomes more than obvious when he changes Agrabah's long-standing marriage laws so she and the Aladdin can live their happily ever after. With Abu. Because he's everywhere.
No. 8: Zeus 4 of 12
Letting kids learn their own lessons can be one of the hardest parts of parenthood. Yet Zeus gives his zero-to-hero in training some solid advice when he says, "A true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart." The sentiment is too long for a tattoo (whew!), but still. Definite words to live by.
No. 7: Pongo 5 of 12
Nothing stops this dad from saving his spotted littles from the clutches of Cruella de Vil. What's more, he adopts 84 more of them to join the 15 biological puppies he shares with Perdita. He may feel differently when they all pile into the big bed in the middle of the night, but hey, the child-as-face-mask is a rite of passage for all parents.
No. 6: Maurice 6 of 12
He may just be "crazy old Maurice" to the narrow-minded townspeople, but we all know this lovable kook is trying to give Belle much more than a provincial life. Besides, he wins for being the original tech geek.
No. 5: Fa Zhou 7 of 12
He might not have a son, but man oh man, does this stickler for time-honored rules and traditions end up being proud of his ballsy daughter. That's what happens when you save all of China.
No. 4: Goofy 8 of 12
Ah, Goofy. Embarrassing moments keep him and Max farther apart than the gap in his teeth. The gamechanger? Powerline.
No. 3: Geppetto 9 of 12
His devotion to a mostly undeserving piece of wood makes us ugly cry every time. Until said piece of wood figures out he's got it good. Really good. Then we ugly cry some more because of the beautiful.
No. 2: King Triton 10 of 12
A widower surrounded by women, this overwhelmed dad is all bark and no bite. Well, except for that whole destroying of Ariel's Grotto thing. And though he doesn't like Prince Eric at first - Ariel is his little girl after all - it turns out he's a big softie under all that swagger. Ariel gets her legs in the end, doesn't she?
No. 1: Mufasa 11 of 12
Like there was any doubt he would be No. 1. This dad's love power is so great, he can guide his son from the beyond.
And tied for No. 1: David Wozniak 12 of 12
Consider this a bonus. And it's a good one.
Delivery Man's David Woziak might be mediocre at absolutely everything, but when it comes to accepting a payout from the fertility clinic for their insane snafu or getting to know the people who love him without even knowing him, he puts on his big boy pants and chooses family. And then we cry. A lot. Especially since his endearing - yet absolutely bumbling overtures - at being a dad confuse guardian angelship with a first timer's attempts at fatherhood. Wrangling all the ropes instant parenthood foists upon him isn't easy, but that he sticks with it despite his track record speaks volumes.
The gentle, family-friendly dramedy (rated PG-13) is out in theatres now.
Photo credits: Walt Disney Pictures, DreamWorks
Travelhound Pilar wouldn’t mind being at Walt Disney World eating the ears off a Mickey ice cream bar right about now. But, since she can’t be at her “second home” year round, she curates happy thoughts on Disney Social Media Magic, a virtual springboard where breaking news and other Disneyfied thingamabobs are shared. For more mouse-minded geekery, join Pilar on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram and personal site, One Mom Media.