5-Minute Time Out: Jen Singer
The author on why stay-at-home moms should have their own holiday.
by Jennifer V. Hughes
June 20, 2008
In your new book you talk about being a mom from the middle: neither a super mom, who makes 3D pilgrim cakes for the school Thanksgiving party, nor a slacker mom whose kids know she's a pushover. How do you mom from the middle? Examples, please!
I basically do triage. I do what I really need to do and I do what I really like to do. I love soccer … so I'll be the crazy mom who is coaching two soccer teams, but you won't catch me at a Cub Scout meeting. I have no interest in that whatsoever. You have to pick the things you are good at, otherwise you're setting yourself up for failure.
What's the worst example of a super mom you've ever seen?
Oh my God, she's going to know who she is, but that's all right. I was coaching kids' soccer and this is the first day and we had finished a drill called sharks and minnows. Some of the kids were laying down and she says, "You know, in third grade, we never let our children sit down. They should be up kicking the ball." I said, "They're five. They're going to sit down now." She never came back. She realized I was immune to her super mom power.
In the afterword to your book you say that you've recently gone into remission from non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. How are you doing?
I'm still in remission. It's an aggressive cancer so I have to have a PET scan every three months and blood tests in between.
It may look like I was super mom, but I was barely hanging on.
So, I'm basically living my life in three-month increments. I found out I had cancer a year ago; June 6th, which ironically is D-Day, so this time of year I'm soaking up everything because I missed it all last summer. Hanging out with my kids at the lake is the best thing I've been able to do in a long time.
Okay, maybe this is narcissistic, but when I read about your cancer, one of my first thoughts was "Holy crap, I'm pretty pathetic — this woman is raising two boys, running a household, writing a book and battling cancer. My biggest victory of the week was getting double coupons on juice boxes." I guess that's kind of contrary to the whole point of your book about being a good mom, huh?
[Laughs] While I was going through chemo, the entire neighborhood was cooking for me, my friend Kim set up a schedule every week of who was watching our kids. I wasn't being the mom I had been in the past — I couldn't. My husband did all the laundry and dusting. It may look like I was super mom, but I was barely hanging on.
Do you think there's a lesson in here for the rest of us about not having to be the super mom?
The advice I give in my book, I've lived ten times over. I had to give up going to swim team, but at the same time, I made time to play a board game or watch HGTV with my kids. I could still find the middle of motherhood even when I was at the lowest point in my life.
©2008 Jennifer V. Hughes and Nerve Media
About the Author
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Jennifer V. Hughes is a writer whose work has appeared in The New York Times, Mothering magazine and the Columbia Law School Report. She also makes a killer sangria. |
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