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14 Playground Rules of Engagement

I’m not a fan of rules for rule’s sake. But when rules are warranted, I not only accept them, I abide by them.

It seems as if the only place in the universe where there are no rules and yet there really ought to be is the playground. 

Just last week at the park BooBoo dug a hole to China under a slide at the park and little toddler girl fell into it. I had this whole “Baby Jessica stuck in the well” flashback. The hole to China left unattended was clearly my bad which got me thinking, if ever there was a place in need of universal law, it was the playground.

Now listen, just because I really think my congressman ought to jump all over this, it doesn’t mean I want to be involved in spearheading the effort. If I had to choose a mother to scold the masses on appropriate playground behavior, I’d undoubtedly nominate Gisele; her name is written all over this thing.

I asked around, tallied up our collective playground annoyances and created a parent wish list for these new universal playground laws.

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  • Watch your child 1 of 14
    Watch your child
    For the love of children, pretty please with sugar on top watch your damn children.

    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • Go down the slide; not up 2 of 14
    Go down the slide; not up
    My kid is a fan of swimming upstream too. You know what cured that? A size 9 Iron Man shoe to the nose.

    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • Keep your sick kid home 3 of 14
    Keep your sick kid home
    This rule really applies everywhere. Sick kids have no business at the park. Responsible parents know this is the time to shower their child with way too much TV and TLC.

    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • No skirts on the monkey bars 4 of 14
    No skirts on the monkey bars
    Unless your daughter is wearing shorts under her shirt, she probably shouldn't be hanging upside down. Some of the the perviest folks hang out at parks...just watching...::shudder::

    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • No sand throwing or kicking 5 of 14
    No sand throwing or kicking
    Suddenly your day at the park is foiled by a pesky corneal abrasion. Hate when that happens.

    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • Leash your scary dog 6 of 14
    Leash your scary dog
    Dogs should be leashed at all times. I'm thinking this may already be an actual law. It's about public safety people.

    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • Feet first down the slide 7 of 14
    Feet first down the slide
    If for no better reason than the fact that no parent wants to spend the next week trying to get sand out of their child's scalp.

    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • No creeps allowed 8 of 14
    No creeps allowed
    The park is full of strange people with no particular purpose (or is that just in my area?). Move along creepizoids, move long; nothing to see here.

    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • The park is not a hotel 9 of 14
    The park is not a hotel
    I remember being young and in love too but the park is no place for a make-out sesh. Have some decency and make out under the bleachers!

    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • Get off your damn phone 10 of 14
    Get off your damn phone
    Look, I battle social media addiction like everyone else but it's my job to watch my kid. Put the phone down and no one will (probably) get hurt.

    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • Consider the risk of head injury 11 of 14
    Consider the risk of head injury
    I know I'm a paranoid, but when I see kids tempting the head injury fates, I can't help but squirm. If your kid isn't smart enough to realize what's dangerous; you better be.

    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • Bring back the pay phone 12 of 14
    Bring back the pay phone
    Every park should have a pay phone or five because scary stuff can go down at the park. Our children may know how to dial 9-1-1, but without a phone it's worthless.

    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • Be a reasonable parent 13 of 14
    Be a reasonable parent
    Whenever random children gather together, something undesirable is going to happen. Relax, watch your child, and please, be understanding.

    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • Don’t party at the park 14 of 14
    Don't party at the park
    I invite the troubled youth of America to party in a van, a 7-11 parking lot or the woods. Partying at the park is way too hard to explain to an inquisitive kid.

    Photo credit: Shutterstock

Have any laws you’d like to add? Leave a comment! I say we beef this thing up and create a petition out of it.

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