Two things are sprouting on lawns across suburbia this time of year: dandelions and trampolines.
They are both ugly weeds that get too tall and are impossible to remove.
My Facebook feed is teeming with photos of friends who have scored a new tramp for their backyard. There are pics of the kids bouncing and laughing and having fun. At least on opening day.
Our backyard neighbors had a trampoline. The day they installed it, my wife cried. They put it in a far corner of their backyard, not 20 yards from our kitchen window. The only thing she saw above our fence where a view of sunrises and blue skies had been, was black nets. We loved the day that they moved.
Trampolines are terrible, people. They really, really are. People hate trampolines. You may love it (at first), but the day you unpack that thing everyone in the hood is scowling at you with a tsk tsk tsk under their breath.
If you are thinking about getting one for the kids this summer, stop. Don’t.
Trust Me 1 of 16
This is not a good idea. If you're having the debate in your house, click through and roll up some ammo why you don't want this to happen at your house.
Trampolines Are Boring 2 of 16
The kids will use it half a dozen times. At most. Parents think tossing them in a bouncy mesh cage will be the perfect tonic to boredom. Truth is: kids get bored of bouncing on a trampoline too.
Image via Klobetime
Trampolines Are Ugly 3 of 16
Unlike the Transformer, or dolly, or bike, or scooter that they get bored of, you can't stuff a trampoline into the corner of a toybox or garage. It's big. It's ugly. The flickr caption for the photo above is "the Ikea project from hell." Have fun with that.
Image via twid
Trampolines Are Wastes Of Money 4 of 16
These bouncing things aren't cheap people. And it will sit and stare at you and rust and as the local birds and vermin make nests underneath it you will be reminded every single day what an ugly, waste of money it was.
Image via Mike Cogh
Trampolines Are Popular 5 of 16
Oh sure, during the first week you'll think it's awesome that every kid is coming over to play, but you'll soon realize the other parents are smart. They didnt waste the money on a big ugly tramp AND they get to ditch the kids on you. You'll never have quiet again.
Image via Elliott Cable
Trampolines Are Not Neighborly 6 of 16
Stuffing it in the far corner of your yard away from your house just puts it closer to someone else's house. Instead of being neighborly like Wilson and peering your nose over the fence to chat, you have erected what amounts to a big fishing net between the houses.
Image via akeg
America’s Funniest? 7 of 16
Okay, the best part of America's Funniest Videos is the moment you see a trampoline, because you know it's not going to end well. But while it's funny to laugh at someone else's kid doing a faceplant, how will you react when it's yours?
Image via Aislinn Ritchie
250 00 Reasons 8 of 16
Group Jump 9 of 16
One At A Time 10 of 16
Net’s Don’t Work/Matter 11 of 16
Time For Wapner! 12 of 16
Remember all the kids coming over to use your tramp? Remember the part about everyone wanting to get on at the same time and that's when the injuries happen? Well, many home insurance policies don't cover injuries related to trampolines. Those neighbors just might become plaintiffs.
via USA Today.
Image via Dan Fulano
Break a Leg 13 of 16
Trampolines present a unique set of circumstances for injury, and they're not all from falling off the trampoline. If your kids like to have you bouncing with them, you're risking a type of broken leg called a proximal tibia fracture.
It is likely in kids under 6 and happens when you have a 170 pound adult bouncing with a 40 pound child, the recoil of the tramp isn't always consistent. If a child lands incorrectly, when the tramp isn't cushioning, it's equivalent of landing 9 feet onto a hard surface. *Snap*
Image via TMOF
Ask Your Doctor 14 of 16
Boring, Ugly, Rude, Waste Of Money 15 of 16
Did I mention that trampolines are boring, ugly, wastes of money that are rude barriers in a neighborhood and hurt kids? Okay, just checking.
Image via Twid
The One Exception 16 of 16
There is one kind of trampoline, I may be willing to cut some slack to - the sunken trampoline. It is an inground bouncing device, think inground pool. It's hidden away and blends into your yard and when the kids fall, they're not falling off or getting caught on anything, they're just dropping for 10-12 feet directly onto the lawn. It might not be as bad, but no guarantees.
Image via Sunken Trampoline
But … maybe I’ve got the whole thing wrong. Do you have a trampoline success story? Share it in the comments, or feel free to dogpile and tell me more reasons why trampolines are terrible.