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18 Things I Don't Want My Kids to Learn From Romantic Movies

“You complete me.”

“It wasn’t over for me!”

“Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.”

Don’t pretend you didn’t just swoon a little and update your Netflix queue; I totally saw you.

Oh romantic movies, how I love you so. Your predictable storylines, stereotypical characters and of course, the lovely Rachel McAdams. I’m not here to knock you; oh no. Many hours I’ve spent cuddled up on the couch with my nerd girl glasses, bawling my eyes out while I daydream of one Ryan Gosling telling me that my breath smelled like sweet summer rain (or something equally swoony like that).

I grew up expecting to love like that; I think a lot of us did. My perfect match who would offer up some very public, inspired monologue that would melt my heart and make my girlfriends totally jealz. But then I fell in love and it was nothing like the movies; it was better because it was real.

I’m busy raising two boys who freakin’ better grow up to be good men someday. At their tender ages, they’ve already seen enough romantic movies to cause some serious man damage. It is my sincere hope that this post might someday save them from a love life of embarrassment, disappointment, and jail time.

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  • Life is but a song 1 of 18
    Life is but a song
    Tom Hansen loves Summer Finn big time, so big time in fact that he sings and dances about it. There's even a little cartoon birdy that follows him around. Love feels damn good, but it doesn't feel that good.
    Repeat offenders: Top Gun, 10 Things I Hate About You, Grease
    Get it from Amazon, $11.49
  • Kidnapping at work is romantic 2 of 18
    Kidnapping at work is romantic
    Zack Mayo has a big attitude problem that can only be softened by one Paula so he literally sweeps her off her feet while she's working for the man. In the unreleased sequel, Paula loses her job for failing to clock out and resentment builds. We're in the middle of a recession here; keep romance off the clock.
    Get it from Amazon, $7.49
  • Neurotics belong together 3 of 18
    Neurotics belong together
    In the game of love, your one and only job is weed out the neurotics — not fall in love with them.
    Repeat offender: When Harry Met Sally
    Get it on Blu-ray from Amazon, $16.99
  • You need to rescue the girl 4 of 18
    You need to rescue the girl
    I get the whole "if I rescue her she'll be indebted to me forever" thing but that's really no way to begin a marriage. Sure, the glass slipper fit but it was so last season.
    Repeat offenders: The Princess Bride, Ever After
    Check out a list of available sellers from Amazon
  • Spoiled girls are adorable 5 of 18
    Spoiled girls are adorable
    As if! Loveable Cher taught us that even spoiled brats can have big-huge hearts. I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger, but she ain't messin' with no broke-broke.
    Repeat offender: Legally Blonde
    Get it from Amazon, $6.99
  • First comes booty calls, then comes love 6 of 18
    First comes booty calls, then comes love
    Every girl's dream came true when Dylan fell for Jamie after months of casual sex. I'm not saying it never happens but it's the exception; not the rule.
    Repeat offender: No Strings Attached
    Get it from Amazon, $18.99
  • Love never dies 7 of 18
    Love never dies
    Love may never die but sadly, people do. You think maintaining a long distance relationship is hard? Try doing it from beyond the grave.
    Get it from Amazon, $7.49
  • You need to make a ginormous romantic gesture 8 of 18
    You need to make a ginormous romantic gesture
    From heart-wrenching public speeches to a bedroom filled with roses and candles to using your fists to defend her honor - please; you don't have to do any of this. A sincere, "I like you" might just get the job done and keep you out of jail, the hospital, debt, and even the evening news.
    Repeat offenders: Bridget Jones's Diary, The Wedding Singer, Bed of Roses, Love Actually
    Get it from Amazon, $8.64
  • Hookers have a heart of gold 9 of 18
    Hookers have a heart of gold
    Thinking of taking a chance on a hooker? "Big mistake. Big. Huge!"
    Get it from Amazon, $9.99
  • Go ahead, ruin a wedding 10 of 18
    Go ahead, ruin a wedding
    You know, a little advance planning wouldn't kill you. If you must have the engaged girl, save her parents a pretty penny and let her know long before her wedding day.
    Repeat offenders: Wedding Crashers, My Best Friend's Wedding
    Get it from Amazon, $14.60
  • Dramatic declarations of love happen in the rain 11 of 18
    Dramatic declarations of love happen in the rain
    I bet this has never actually happened; not even once. You have no real reason to be screaming in the rain unless you're stuck in a ditch somewhere.
    Repeat offenders: Sliding Doors, Pride and Prejudice, Garden State, Sweet Home Alabama
    Get it from Amazon, $5.99
  • What’s species got to do with it? 12 of 18
    What's species got to do with it?
    You know what's awesome? Falling in love with someone who doesn't want to suck your blood.
    Repeat offender: City of Angels, Splash
    Get it from Amazon, $9.05
  • Amnesia is romantic 13 of 18
    Amnesia is romantic
    Oh, I'm sorry you bumped your head and can't remember anything. Enough of all that, I'm great and you love me. No, really.
    Repeat offenders: The Vow, 50 First Dates, Overboard
    Get it from Amazon, $6.25
  • Let’s run away together 14 of 18
    Let's run away together
    Screw everyone who doesn't understand our love; we don't need 'em! Yeah, good luck with that.
    Repeat offenders: Water for Elephants, Becoming Jane, Crazy/Beautiful, Mad Love
    Check out a list of available sellers from Amazon
  • Stalk in the name of love 15 of 18
    Stalk in the name of love
    It's perfectly OK to break into that pretty girl's bedroom to set up a Christmas tree because you love her. In fact, she'll thank you and then have sex with you. Not. This move will most certainly land you in jail.
    Repeat offenders: Twilight, Say Anything, Sleepless in Seattle
    Get it from Amazon, $13.75
  • True love inevitably ends in tragedy 16 of 18
    True love inevitably ends in tragedy
    Not everyone who has ever found true love ends up dead before their time or paralyzed.
    Repeat offenders: Ice Castles, An Affair to Remember, City of Angels, Titanic, Love Story, and on and on ...
    Get it from Amazon, $14.99
  • Don’t be too nice 17 of 18
    Don't be too nice
    Sure, all the ladies say is that they want a good man. Tell that to poor Richard Johnson whose bored wife Francesca carries on a four-day affair with an adventurous stranger ... and creates a love to last her a lifetime.
    Repeat offenders: Unfaithful, Crazy Stupid Love
    Get it from Amazon, $5.99
  • Love means never having to say you’re sorry 18 of 18
    Love means never having to say you're sorry
    Um, I disagree. Love means saying you're sorry even when you're not, if you ever want to get lucky again.
    Get it from Amazon, $4.99

What don’t you want your kids to learn about love from romantic movies?

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