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20 Ways to Snub Your Lover

*SCREECH!* Let’s get real. Moms + Sex = Not that often. It’s math; you can’t argue with math.

OK, so maybe you and your partner have engaged in coital hotness every night for the last 8 years and you have 7 kids that haven’t slowed down your collective libidos. Well, this post isn’t for you sex kittens. And might I add, wowza.

For the rest of you mamas who dream of steamy sexy sleep every chance you get; I’m on your tired team.

And yes Dr. Ruth, moms know sex is important to maintaining intimacy in a relationship blah, blah, blah. Moving right along…

If women have needs then I gots needs of a different variety. I’ve got needs that involve quiet, wine, reality TV, laughter, gossip magazines, and pretty things. Am I really so different that the rest of the moms out there? The answer is no; I know because I asked.

It’s not that moms don’t enjoy sex because that’s not it at all. We  love us some chocolate cake too, but we’re not about to bake ourselves one at the end of a long day. You dig?

I polled the female masses (that’s what he said) and collected the most popular excuses moms use to get out of sex.

  • Can it wait until after Real Housewives? 1 of 20
    Can it wait until after Real Housewives?
    Whoa, major blow to the male ego, but we can't possibly focus on anything until we know if Vicki and Tamra are on the outs. Priorities people.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • The kids are awake 2 of 20
    The kids are awake
    You know what's completely unsexy? The sound of our kids' voices 12 feet away.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • We’ll wake the kids 3 of 20
    We'll wake the kids
    Who are we kidding? You know as well as I you can be quiet as a mating church mouse when you want to be.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • Don’t you just want to talk? 4 of 20
    Don't you just want to talk?
    Sometimes it is just nice to talk. If we haven't seen you in what feels like an eternity, don't make our first encounter a grabby grabfest. Let's make it gabfest instead!

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • I haven’t taken a shower 5 of 20
    I haven't taken a shower
    Dirty girl = No dirty girl in the bedroom.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • I’m so tired 6 of 20
    I'm so tired
    What do you get when you take a woman who works really hard, worries really hard, and takes it all really personally? One tired mother.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • I have a headache 7 of 20
    I have a headache
    My husband swears a dose of good lovin' can cure a can 400mg of Ibuprofen.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • I’m so fat right now 8 of 20
    I'm so fat right now
    We know you don't care if we're fat right now but we care. We really, really care.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • I’m too cold 9 of 20
    I'm too cold
    Might body heat solve this problem? Probably, but still.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • Let’s just snuggle 10 of 20
    Let's just snuggle
    Is there anything better than cozying up to your partner and falling asleep? Spooning need not always lead to forking.
  • I haven’t shaved 11 of 20
    I haven't shaved
    Just think of our legs as a cactus, the spikes are there for a reason.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • I think you owe me an apology 12 of 20
    I think you owe me an apology
    Maybe you don't know what you did wrong, but we sure do.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • I’m, ahem, ungroomed 13 of 20
    I'm, ahem, ungroomed
    Before the flower gets plucked, the flower gets groomed.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • Why do you think she looked at me that way? 14 of 20
    Why do you think she looked at me that way?
    Women spend much of their time worrying about all sorts of seemingly meaningless things. There's no chance of sex until we clear out all the mental cobwebs.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • I have cramps 15 of 20
    I have cramps
    Cramps have never, and will never, feel sexy.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • I just took a shower 16 of 20
    I just took a shower
    I was too dirty so I took a shower and now I'm just so clean. Let's not ruin it with sex.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • I think I’m ovulating 17 of 20
    I think I'm ovulating
    Depending on what side of the fertile fence you're on, this one might be a problem.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • I’m PMSing 18 of 20
    I'm PMSing
    I'm hungry, emotional, bloated, and exhausted. Sex sounds about as appealing as a teeth cleaning right now...but you can be a doll and fetch me a candy bar.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • I have to get up early tomorrow 19 of 20
    I have to get up early tomorrow
    Somewhere in the back of our minds we think sex takes a long time. It doesn't, but we use this excuse anyway.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]
  • Seriously? 20 of 20
    Some days are just bad days. You've listened to us drone on about our jerk boss and our headache for the last hour hoping there was sex at the end of this black rainbow. There wasn't.

    [Image credit: Shutterstock]

Have you ever used any of these excuses to get out of sexy time?

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