And Just Like That, My Baby Making Days are Over
I suppose, if we’re going to be technical, that my baby making days were over on August 28, 2010, the day I gave birth to my last baby. But, really, even though I knew he was probably my last, I didn’t bother to do anything about it for a while.
I’m perfectly happy with my three boys. They keep me busy, they make me laugh, they fill me up, and, yes, they infuriate and exhaust me on a regular basis. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
I don’t feel incomplete or as if I’m missing anything by not having another baby, but in the past almost two years that hasn’t stopped me from daydreaming about having just one more.
For the most part, I like being pregnant. I love the excitement of finding out what the baby’s sex is, I love the anticipation meeting the baby for the first time, I actually enjoy being in labor (thanks to my staunch pro-epidural stance) and giving birth, and I love, love, love cuddling with a newborn baby. There’s nothing quite like it. The thought of never doing any of those things again makes me really sad.
But I also love the idea of being done with diapers, and of never having to pack a diaper bag again. I like that soon, we’ll be able to go out with friends and I won’t spend 75% of my time chasing after a toddler. Two of my three kids are completely capable of bathing and dressing themselves. I only have one child to buckle into a car seat and, in 10 – 15 years, we’ll only have to pay for 3 college educations.
The benefits won out over my emotional want for another baby, and today I got a 10-year IUD. I am currently both relieved and sad. The hardest part of the IUD insertion wasn’t the crampy, pinchy feeling, but afterwards, when she used the ultrasound machine to check its placement. I am used to seeing embryos and squishy baby faces on the screen, and the reality that I would never again have an ultrasound and get to see a baby made me really sad.
I know an IUD isn’t a permanent solution, or 100% effective (just ask my mother-in-law) but, aside from my husband getting a vasectomy, it’s the most permanent solution we’re going to get. I’m 99% confident in my decision. But that other 1% is going to have a good cry and a big glass of wine tonight.
And when I need a little extra reassurance, I’m going to read Mommyfriend’s post 9 Things I’m So Glad I Don’t Have to Do for My Kids Anymore.
Photo Credit: MeghanGWine
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After my second child in less than two years, I had a tubal ligation because medically it was not a good decision to have any more pregnancies due to heart problems. I had to make my decision at least 30 days before I delivered… so that it would not seem like I was being coerced while I was in labor…not a bad idea. This was in1981.
After my emergency c-section for a “transverse lie” (baby was laying side ways) and I was almost fully dilated, a tubal ligation was done. I remember being grateful that I had a healthy baby girl…but also sad that a chapter in my life was closed due to medical reasons out of my control.
I cannot tell you how many times I wished for a third child and when many of my friends were adopting in their 40′s, I really wanted another child more than ever. But sanity prevailed and now I am a grandmother and enjoying my grandchild more than I ever could imagine.
Life sometimes gives you what you think is lemons at the time, but I have learned over the years that the lemonade is not hard to make.
Your post brought back so many memories of a decision that had such mixed emotions attached to it even though it was the right decision at the time.
Hugs girl! Your family is beautiful but it’s OK to grieve what your heart has the space for. I remember that so well. Hope u got a glass of wine and a friend to cry with. Xxx
I could have written this post back in November. My husband FINALLY had a vasectomy after our baby #3….a decision I not only fully supported but pretty much demanded! But when the time came, I actually panicked and tried to talk him out of it! And i’ve been just a little sad ever since. But I think its something I will always want….all of those enjoyable parts you mentioned, pregnancy, labor, newborns, ultrasounds, etc. But our life right now is so busy and chaotic and there is just NO way we could manage another baby now or anytime soon. Besides, after 3 girls, I am more than 100% convinced it would be another girl!
But my heart still aches a little, just knowing i’ll never have anymore babies….