Dont Say Sorry
Why I'm removing "sorry" from my kids' vocabularies
How many times have we seen this scenario: Mom’s slogging through Target or the grocery store when one of her kids hits the other, causing Mom to bend over and grab the child’s hand. She sternly orders her, “Say you’re sorry!” to which the child grumbles the appropriate apology. A minute later, when Mom’s attention is back on her shopping, the kid goes and does it again.
I’ve seen it several thousand times myself.
Sorry, as a word, means very little to kids. It’s a thing that’s required, like “please” and “thank you,” but kids say it largely to appease adults, and the word has very little in the way of meaning or impact. It’s a word without identity; you can’t point to “sorry,” and it’s not a cat or a sandwich or a ball at the beach. Even as a feeling it is hard to identify. It’s not happy or sad or hungry or tired, it’s just a thing you say when you’ve done something wrong. If you accidentally spill some cereal on the table or leave the car door open, you have to say you’re sorry. If you eat your sister’s cookie, you’re sorry. And, if you pick up a Lincoln Log and hit your brother over the head with it because at that moment you absolutely, positively hate him, still, you’re sorry. So what does it really mean? What is its purpose?
As parents we want to teach our children empathy for others. It’s part of teaching them that they have an impact on their world and the people around them. Teaching our kids to say “sorry” encompasses all sorts of good things, like making friends and sharing, so it makes sense that “sorry” is one of our first verbal lessons. In some ways we intend this word as a hinge, linking the behavior of one child to the feelings of another, and it makes sense to put it this way because we want those connections to be made in our children’s minds.
However, “sorry,” as a word, often turns up empty, while hurt feelings (or body parts) persist. This is why it becomes important to emphasize to children that the word isn’t just a word, it is also an action. We, as parents, need to watch for the “sorry” that becomes nothing more than a behavioral escape hatch, leaving the conflict largely unresolved.
Consider this scenario: Once, while doing something bad (cartwheels in the living room – seriously, girls?) one of my daughters kicked the other in the head. The kid who got kicked burst into tears. Why? Because she got kicked in the head. The other one screamed “Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!” and then burst into tears herself. Why? Because her sister wouldn’t “take” her “sorry.”
“But you kicked her in the head,” I explained, checking the first one’s skull for lumps. “I’m sure it hurts.”
“But I SAID SORRY!” my other child wailed.
I then had to explain that words are not magical. Words are not erasers; they cannot make bad actions go away. Only good actions can start to make bad actions feel okay. Now that she had done a bad thing (and cartwheeling in the living room is bad!) and someone had gotten hurt, she was going to have to think of a good thing she could do to make her sister feel better.
“I could get her a chocolate milk,” she said.
That’d be a start.
Perhaps part of the problem is how closely we tie saying “sorry” to accepting blame. Nobody likes to be blamed for something, whether they actually did it or not, and saying “sorry” is the easy way to “admit” blame. Whereas acting sorry is considerably harder; it’s an actual acceptance of culpability. And since it’s difficult enough to get children to say “I’m sorry” much less get them to do anything about it, we teach kids to link sorry to blame, whereas for adults it can simply be a statement of empathy, as in “I’m sorry you’re suffering.”
If one of my kids is crying because a toy of hers is broken and the other one responds, “I didn’t do it,” does she realize she could say “I’m sorry” without implying that she broke the toy? I honestly don’t know. What I want, however, is for my child to be sorry not as an admission of guilt but simply because she sympathizes with her sister’s sadness. She’s had broken toys and she knows what it’s like. Whether she did it or not, it is inappropriate for her to continue playing happily along when another person is clearly upset in the same room. By separating “sorry” from blame and the word from her actions, she can then be empathetic irrespective of guilt. And then she could actually do something, instead of just saying something; she could ask if the toy could be fixed or even just sit with her sister until she feels better.
The upshot, then, is that I think we all, as parents, need to rethink our impulse to tell our kids to “say sorry” and instead start teaching sorry as an action geared toward empathy. Even with very young kids, can’t we teach that “sorry” is an opening for some detective work into the feelings of others, rather than a punishment for misbehavior? Rather than making “sorry” simply a response to wrongdoing, can we teach it as an opening to the use of other words, like “Are you all right?” or “Can I help you?”
I know we all want to teach our children empathy: how to be sorry and how to help others when they have been hurt. I also know that sometimes all of us fall prey to the ease of “say you’re sorry” in the interest of moving forward and not dwelling on negative behavior. Nevertheless, if we can take a little more time to teach our kids what “sorry” really means and how to show it, everyone might be a little happier in the end.
We feel the same about meaningless “Sorries”, which cannot undo what has been done. Instead, we have taught the kids to look each other in the eye, say they apologize, ask if the other is okay and ask how they can make it better. It emphasizes empathy and taking responsibility… and they respond much better than they do to “Sorry” tossed off the cuff. It also diffuses the situation!
Very smart essay, very thoughtful. I’m right there with you. Our focus is on what we can do to make it better, and not just those empty words
I think this is wonderful. Meaningless “I’m Sorry”‘s are too often heard.
So, you’re not actually eliminating “sorry;” you’re trying to attach more meaning to the word by connecting it with an action. This is admirable; the title is misleading (but sure to bump up the hits on this page!). Blah.
I learned this trick while teaching in a therapeutic preschool years ago. I hated those whiny, insincere “sor-rrrry”‘s. We told the kids they never had to say sorry, but they always had to “check in.” The offender would say, “are you ok?” to which the “victim” often replied, “Nooooo.” Then as the teacher, we would say, it’s ok to still feel mad, but so and so just wants to make sure you will make it. Taught it to my kids as well, no more yucky Sorry’s!!
I think “please forgive me” is a better option. It’s much harder to say (even for adults!) and better conveys remorse. And it is accepting blame, so not to be confused with the “I’m sorry you’re sad, but it’s not my fault”, which even in the adult world is a common cop-out when conflict happens. I think when someone is sad for other reasons actions like hugs and comforting are appropriate, but when someone is to blame, then they need to ask for forgiveness, and be forgiven.
I think you could be massively over thinking this. There are two separate issues. One is helping kids to put themselves in someone else’s shoes and the other has a public dimension.
Saying “sorry” or being made to say “sorry” is a public acknowledgement that some behavior is unacceptable. It is as much for the person to whom they apologize as it is for our child. If it seems empty it’s because we have a diminished sense of any social standards of behavior.
I don’t think it makes sense to do away with “sorry”. The reality is sometimes kids are not going to really feel sorry, no matter what we say to them. They have an obligation to accept responsibility for their behavior whether they’re feeling it or not.
I think abolishing ‘sorry’ could also backfire. To us it’s a teachable moment, to the victim of our child’s ill behavior failing to apologize, even if it’s not sincere could be construed as indifference or disregard for the wronged person’s feelings. Empathy is as empathy does and as parents we need to have a little more with other people.
I don’t see anything wrong for me to ask my son to say he is “sorry” when he accidentaly or not hits his sister. If he hits her accidentaly the sorry means that he did not intend to cause her any harm and if he does it non-accidentaly, it means that he is sorry for letting his emotions lead his actions.
Either way (accidentaly or not) he is not off the hook for it for saying he is sorry. He still has to stop what he is doing and there is a consequence to his action.
Another reason to eliminate meaningless or rote “sorries” from children’s vocabularies – especially for girls – is that when we grow up to be women, some of us end up automatically apologizing for everything even when an apology isn’t necessarily the appropriate response for the context! It’s not uncommon that this type of automated behavior subconsciously leads to a negative sense of self-worth and encourages inaccurate feelings of responsibility for other people’s actions.
The Outlaw Mom
http://www.theoutlawmom.com
Unimpressed is right.
Sorry, but I think saying “sorry” IS a good action in and of itself. I don’t always “mean it” when I hold the door for someone else or offer the last slice of pie, but it’s civil and it’s decent. Learning to say sorry and mean it starts with LEARNING to say sorry in the first place. It’s a signifier that you hurt someone else just as much as it is a signifier that you did something wrong-and that first part is very important.
Thanks for your comments, everyone. To add a point that may clarify to those who may disagree, I would add that my own children are elementary school age and the seed of this article–the thing that initially made me re-think how I, personally, taught “sorry” to my kids–was that I noticed that once kids were old enough to be outside immediate parental view, when a kid hurt another, it seemed clear that “sorry” was all most kids had in their arsenal. I had an experience with my first grade daughter when an older kid (accidentally) hurt her. As I stood there and watched this older child grope for something other than sorry, finally lapsing into blame (it was not my fault because…) I realized how far we really fall short as parents in teaching “sorry” as a response. It doesn’t work. Yes, you can distill my argument as simply that we should “be sorry” rather than “say sorry,” but I think the distinction is more complex than it first appears. Saying sorry is next to nothing. Being sorry is where true empathy and sympathy enter into the equation.
I have a four yr old, 15month old and newborn. We use sorry but it can’t be just a blurted “sorry”. My 4 yr old will say “I’m sorry for…” then he follows with asking if the person is ok and if there is anything he can do to help. He also understands that sorry is not a free ticket. If you say it after an action it means you will do your best to avoid repeating it.
Yup. “Sorry” often becomes simply a way out of trouble, as far as most children understand it, because they’re never taught the empathy that should be compelling them to say it. It’s like the difference between telling your child not to do something and explaining to them why they shouldn’t AND telling/showing them what to do instead. Most parents simply don’t take the time to really teach their children… and that’s sad.
So sorry should not be removed from vocabulary, but as another commenter said, the child should be sorry not simply say sorry. This is very difficult to teach because kids don’t give a poop about other people’s problems when they are young. The kids will say “I’m sorry” or “Are you ok” if they are trained to do so, but you can see the panicked desperation in their faces as they hope that the victim stops crying before an adult shows up to cause trouble. Sometimes the accident causer will start to cry because of anxiety that they can’t make the other kid shut up. It is totally motivated by self-preservation. Until they learn to understand that what the other kid feels is more important than what they feel, they won’t be able to handle it.
We’re doing the same with “thank you” with our kids, wanting it to be a genuine expression of gratitude or something they do because they know it will make the other person feel good, not because they feel like they have to. Good article, thanks.
It is quite probable that prompting kids to say things like “sorry” and “thank you” actually reminds them at those moments that they should be sorry or should be grateful. Words do have meaning. And honestly, it is not like our mothers and grandmothers and great grandmothers were idiots. They knew that prompting you to say something was also part of prompting you to feel something.
I love these comments–I think they’re all very good points! If I may add: Have you ever been on the playground standing over a couple of kids where some transgression has occurred–something possibly unseen by the parents–and ended up in an interrogation of the children in an attempt to figure out whether or not someone owes someone else a “sorry” or not? It’s such a strange conversation. Someone has clearly felt slighted or hurt and we all, parents and kids, go straight to “sorry.” Does my kid owe your kid a sorry? Or does your kid owe my kid a sorry? I think sometimes the word itself becomes a strange currency for blame. We get so hung up in the word that by the time we figure that part out we’re too exhausted to help kids follow up with an action. What I hope is that we can rethink that part of it. That sorry can go back to a polite accompaniment, rather than an act unto itself. I also love the point that saying something can serve as a prompt to feeling something. Its an excellent one, but Im not sure it always holds true. Im curious what others think about that, if anyone wants to add to that part of the question.
“Don’t Say Sorry: Why I’m removing “sorry” from my kids’ vocabularies”
or
“Using Misleading Headlines: Why can’t the content of the story ever match what’s promised in the heads and subheads?”
Good article, but I agree terrible title.
Seems Babble is going for hits based on getting people fired up, rather than just good content.
I think there is value in making a kid stop and face someone they’ve caused some manner of harm to and say they are sorry. In our house we even sometimes follow it up with a ‘sorry hug.’ Of course genuine empathy is nice to go along with it, but the words are a start. It’s a way of acknowledging some level of responsibility. It’s not a useless habit because it’s something expected of them in the larger world.
i disagree. saying you are sorry is accepting responsibility for your actions. we don’t just say we are sorry, though. we talk about it first and then we say “i am sorry for [doing whatever we did].”
I think in the question of “who’s to blame” it doesn’t matter. At least for me, it’s how the situation is affecting my child (because frankly, unless the other child is one I know, I don’t care, they’re not mine to raise). It’s hard to explain, but even if my child didn’t start it, it’s still important to teach him his side in things. I can’t make the other child feel bad for what he/she may have done, but I can help my own child to understand his role in it, be it aggressor or receiver. Also if your child doesn’t fear “punishment” they’re more likely to fess up and to help problem solve the matter. My son is only 2 1/2 though, so I’m not having to deal with matters of manipulation and also fear of other authority figures like teachers that children learn as they get older so things are a bit simple I think. I hope that in teaching him these things now it’s going to help him resolve conflicts on his own more quickly in the future. One of my favorite concepts is “brainstorming” and if you ask my son what we do when we have a problem that’s what he replies with and I LOVE it.
All in all I think what any of this comes down to is instilling in our children these concepts as early as we can so that we’re raising empathetic, emotionally aware and socially competent children. It’s not the words you use, it’s the meaning behind it, and the meaning is what we have to help the child understand. It’s called parenting.
I have my 20 month old dtr say sorry but I also tell her why she should say it and I encourage her to give a hug to show that she’s sorry. Sometimes she wont give a hug and thats when I know she’s really not sorry. I think it’s hard for children to understand the depth of the word but I also think its a matter of teaching them manners but also teaching them the meaning behind the actions that is important.
Well duh..haha I have always taught my kids to say sorry but at the same time letting them know that what they did was wrong and making them understand the wronged parties feelings. I thought that was common sense.
In the example one daughter repeated sorry over and over again. What part of as a child she didn’t know any other way to console her sister, plus clearly she thought she was going to get in trouble. Teaching your child accidents happen and when they do an apology is a good thing. Not getting upset over small things is an even better lesson to learn. It is a huge part of parenting to teach our children empathy. Look how many adults drag out things when honestly a sincere “Im sorry” does and should go a long way! I bet there are a lot of woman out there who wished that their Mother in laws had taught their partner the power of an apology!
I fully agree that a sincere apology is a good thing. I’m right there on that train. But is “sorry” a good apology? I do think the word has become empty and insufficient. I think it’s really the last thing that should come to mind when we’ve done wrong. In eliminating “sorry” it’s not so much that I’m turning it into something bad, I just think that it’s truly not the essential (or even really necessary) part of actually being sorry. That what we do is infinitely more important than what we say. The idea is to ask ourselves to think about that, rather than going straight to sorry, which rarely is enough. @Lisa, I think that was my point. She was going to get into trouble and she needed to find some other way to help her sister. Kicking her sister in the head was an accident, yes, but a preventable one. Gymnastics are not permitted in the house and rules in our house have reasons. The reason for the rule is one that she was well aware of. My kids were 6 and 8 at the time this occurred. They’re not small. The damage that they can do is substantial and well known. She did something she shouldn’t have, she hurt someone, and “sorry” is not going to get her off the hook. It is not going to get her out of trouble, nor is it going to make her sister feel better. I think that’s precisely the point. So for me, as a parent, this was a teachable moment. For me, the lesson is that sorry is an escape. Only actions geared toward restitution can bring real change.
Great post. Overused words become meaningless. I’ve noticed a similar trend with the word “hate”. I tell my kids, “You don’t HATE spinach”, it tastes revolting (or some other adjective) to you; therefore, you’d rather not eat it.
I love this. We’re trying hard to teach our kids, ages 19 mo and 5 yrs, that they should actually try to make the other person feel better (whether or not they were the cause of the others tears). We started early by encouraging them to bring the other child’s lovey and give a hug and a kiss. By the time she was 12 mo, even the baby was able to do this for her brother, and it usually helps stop the tears and/or deflate the anger. If my son (the 5 yo) is at fault, I also encourage him to apologize and specify exactly what he did (“I’m sorry that I knocked you down.”) I’m sure we’ll have to expand this as they get older, but at this early age, I think it’s a good start.
I have my kids (who are older now) look the person in the eye and apologize for hurting him physically or emotionally, on purpose or by accident. It’s good manners. We need to educate them so they can be members of society.
@terram–good point about specifically helping kids identify what they’re apologing for. I was talking to someone about the article and he mentioned that his kids were not always clear on why they were being made to say “sorry,” and that’s an important element not to be overlooked.
This is a valid and good point!!!
I agree partly. I don’t want the word sorry to be overused – however, I’ve observed repeatedly that the men in my life seem to have a biological adversity to saying they are sorry. Even when they *clearly* should be sorry for what they’ve done. I am raising my 7 and 8 year old boys to recognize when sorry is appropriate – and they are not allowed to just say it to get out of a situation. We talk about *how* they say it and how it helps (or doesn’t help) the situation. They must be sincere and they must take responsibility for their actions when they say it.
Agree to a certain extent…. I havd a 4yr old and 2yr old. I really try to explain the emotions of what is going on in the situations so they understand how that person is feeling(usually by redoing the situation in reverse rolls but I play them) my kids are young so it’s more of situations like she took his blocks away from him so he hit her…something that is purposely done to someone else needs to be explain. Now a cartwheel even though was bad to do in the living room I would do a separate punishment for breaking house rules and what she did to her sister was an accident and truly was sorry and teaching them to do more in that situation is a good trait to have. Also when things happen in the store. I make a time out spot and while in timeout do the explaining etc. yes your shopping trip is longer and people may stare at you but it’s worth it… I WILL always teach my kids to say sorry.I know for a fact just a plain “sorry” can go a long way and should be said first and then extended to are you alright, it was an accident, can I get you anything, etc.
So I guess the only part a disagree with is under the title “Why I’m removing “sorry” from my kids’ vocabularies” I wouldn’t but your ending statement doesn’t say your removing it but more of teaching more about it and extending it to more than just “I’m sorry”
I agree In our house we work on making amends we say sorry and we do something to make the person feel better, fix it whatever its a lot of work on our part sometimes to think of something for them to do but it helps show “sorry” is not a magic word that makes everything all better.
Removing “sorry” from your kids’ vocab., as the title suggests, solves nothing and breeds an indecency that would be intolerable in a civil society. However, forcing a child to say ANYTHING they don’t mean not only misses the point and glazes over the chance to teach your child empathy, but it’s also a common mistake that’s not corrected often enough, so for the most part, I give this article 2 thumbs up.
Thanks for the very thought-provoking article. It also occurs to me that women in particular–myself included–are prone to saying “sorry” too much, and it hurts us in the business world. Another reason to make sure we aren’t just teaching our daughters an empty reflex.
This is a great article! This line of thinking teaches children awareness of their impact on others. As far as how well they adjust to society as adults, I’d rather see them offer consolation than just say sorry. Consolation is far more powerful than an outright apology, and of course, one cannot go through life without picking up on the fact that sorry is part of vocabulary. I mean, all teenagers swear at some point in their lives no matter how strict language is at home. Anyway, I love that you have clearly pointed out that sorry is really only a word (like all others) until you can show them what it means- consolation is it.
I want to give you a hug! I totally agree with you. I tell my daughter “how can we make this better” instead of always saying “sorry.” I have the same issue with the word “please.” When I was a preschool teacher kids would throw a fit because they didn’t get what they wanted…”BUT I SAID PLEASE!” So I had to explain that “please” makes it nicer but doesn’t mean you get what you want!
see how apparently unrelated lessons sneak into our teaching ? PLEASE don’t teach your children to use food to resolve emotions – this connection can cause great harm for a lifetime.
@pediatric nurse–point taken. I hadn’t thought of milk (albeit chocolate milk, in this case) as food or a negative, but you are right. It is important not to make connections with food. I do, most certainly. If something frustrates me, the first thing I do is make a cup of tea to calm myself down. Or if I’m out, I’ll go get a coffee. Very interesting how we teach our kids to mirror our own soothing behaviors.
Huh? Rather than making “sorry” more meaningful, you’re removing it from the equation? There’s a reason we use signifiers like “please” and “thank you” — it’s because they let people know they have been heard. Even as an adult, sometimes you say an empty “sorry” just to make someone feel better. The word has to remain part of the equation because in a civil society, you perform certain simple rituals so that other people know what your intentions are.
You have brought up a great point. I have been trying to figure out a way to teach my daughter the concept of empathy and “sorry” for a little bit now. I see my best friend’s kids and their knee-jerk reaction “apologies” that are empty and don’t change anything. If she points out something they aren’t supposed to be doing or that they hurt someone’s feelings, they will say “Sorry” (with contempt in their voice) and then will repeat the negative action, sometimes immediately. She has been at a loss for how to get through to them about this problem. I plan to share your essay with her and hopefully it will help her to have a different approach to the issue. As for my daughter, she’s 4 and I don’t really push her to apologize unless I can tell she already is feeling remorse for her action or behavior. I really like the idea of “How can we make this better?” “How can we make (person who is upset) feel better?” Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and ideas.
I can’t stand these kind of articles and Babble seems to be full of them these days. While you’re at it, make sure that your girls all get to win in their non-competitive T-Ball game so that they don’t have to experience loosing. Maybe what you should have done after your older daughter didn’t accept your younger daughter’s apology when your daughter did the cartwheel, whacked her sister and said she was sorry was sit the older daughter down and explain to her about accidents and accepting apologies. Accidents do happen. We need ‘sorries’. They teach our children respect, humility, empathy, etc,. along with good parental guidance.
@Bresponsible, there was no indication that the other sister didn’t accept the apology. The “kicker” expected the “kickee” to stop crying once an apology was made, even though physical pain remained. And the parent taught them a lesson sorely lacking in today’s society: Words don’t undo actions; actions don’t even undo actions, but at least it’s a start. We don’t need more kids who know how to say they’re sorry. We need kids who understand about consequences and the concept that they are a small part of a big world. I don’t agree with every part of this article, but I think it raises a very important point.
I have to agree with this article to an extent. I have a 10 year old son who got in the bad habit of saying “sorry” for everything. It even started to get downright sarcastic and snotty at times. When he really needed to be sorry for something, he really couldn’t find the right words to say “I’m sorry”. We talked with him about the misuse of the word “sorry” and gave him time to try to discontinue saying this. He has a full understanding of these words. He wouldn’t make an effort to stop and we started the “sorry jar”. Every time he said those words when they were not appropriate, he had to put a dime into the jar. This kept up for close to a month as he is extremely strong-willed, but he has kicked that habit and now when he is sorry for something, it is much easier for him to express himself as to WHY he is sorry and WHAT he is truly sorry for. There is a time and place for those words and I do agree that they are used far too often without any feeling behind them. As an adult, I definitely don’t want to hear someone say “I’m sorry”, when it’s obvious that they clearly aren’t.Then they are empty words and our children should be taught that words are a very powerful tool.
“Sorry!” among kids seems to resemble “sorry ’bout that!” as it was used by GIs in Viet Nam, where it really meant just the opposite of “I’m really sorry.” It was more a way of saying “what’s your problem?” or “tough luck; I couldn’t care less!” I sometimes remind young people today, who seem to use “sorry about that” as a substitute for an at least semi-sincere “excuse me” or “I beg your pardon”, that the expression, to us who had to fight in the VN war, has a meaning similar to “go to hell” and to avoid using it when addressing people of the 60s generation.
interesting. I see my kids in this, with the “sorries”
Great article! Thank you
Good article
I appreciate your point of view, but disagree with the entire premise. The “sorry” is critical, but you’ve also removed the responsibility of the offended party to find forgiveness and grace for the other. Getting a spilt milk replaced sends a bad message: people SHOULD (my caps) do something FOR ME when they’ve hurt me. The lessons of responsibility and forgivness were missing here. Hopefully, not in your children.