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Dear Know-It-All People Without Kids, Shut the %$#@ Up

Ooo, the title is a little harsh. Let’s try this again: Dear Know-It-All People Without Kids, Shut the %$#@ Up Please. Now that’s better.

There were tons of things I swore I’d never say or do once I became a parent. I suppose in opposite world I’m parenting exactly how I thought I would (or should).

Every now and again I encounter a smuggy childless soul with defined and vocal ideas about parenting. Hey, I was a “better” parent before I had kids too. Don’t get the wrong idea, it’s not that I have a thing against the childless population – oh gosh no. I have a thing against the smarty pants childless types who insist on sharing their inexperienced and unsolicited advice.

This rant is exclusively reserved for the nonparentals who claim to be wise in the challenges of raising little people. These folks are quick to discuss daycare, potty training, vaccinations, and the laws of proper parenting. Most of the time I just smile and nod, but other times I bottle it up, sit down at the computer and unleash the unbridled fury of everything I’m too chicken to say out loud.

Brace yourselves; this slideshow is about 9 years in the making.


  • I know my kids better than you do 1 of 11
    I know my kids better than you do
    I know it's hard to imagine but I actually do know the little people who passed through my birth canal, nursed on my boobs and pooped/peed/vomited all over me for a solid year. I can tell you every illness, every first word, when they started walking and what calms them down. I know their triggers, their favorite foods and how to mother them. Can you say that? Didn't think so.
    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • TV Does Not Rot Little Brains 2 of 11
    TV Does Not Rot Little Brains
    OK, maybe it does but I have yet to see it happen with my own eyes. My kids watch TV; alert the presses!
    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • I’ve been at this parenting thing longer than you have…by like 90 years 3 of 11
    I've been at this parenting thing longer than you have...by like 90 years
    Parenting age is similar to dog years. For every year of parenting, you gain 10 years of experience. Just because you were a kid once or met a kid one time, does not a parent make.
    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • I’d like to hear something redeeming 4 of 11
    I'd like to hear something redeeming
    Even a simple, "Your kids are great!" is like the most fantastical thing you can ever say to a parent.
    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • I have been beaten into submission 5 of 11
    I have been beaten into submission
    I don't expect you to understand why consistency is a nice idea in theory. I'm a parent who has been beaten into submission by my children and I'm a better, more practical, more clever and more awesome mother and person for it.
    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • I feel sorry for your future children 6 of 11
    I feel sorry for your future children
    With ideas as rigid as yours, I fear for your future children. My only hope is that parenting will beat you into submission quickly. Don't fight it friend; embrace it.
    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • It’s rude to offer parenting advice unless specifically asked 7 of 11
    It's rude to offer parenting advice unless specifically asked
    I guarantee I will never ask a smug such as yourself for parenting advice so please, with all due respect, stop dishing up heaping portions of unseasoned crap.
    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • Every child is different 8 of 11
    Every child is different
    Shocking, I know. Your nephew may be the same age as my son but that's about where the similarities end.
    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • I wish you a difficult child 9 of 11
    I wish you a difficult child
    OK, this one's mean but so what? I do.
    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • Please don’t tell me how tired you are 10 of 11
    Please don't tell me how tired you are
    You're tired? Wow, how very unfortunate. I'm sure sleeping through the night uninterrupted and waking up at noon on Saturday must be really hard for you.
    Photo credit: Shutterstock
  • I’m not an idiot 11 of 11
    I'm not an idiot
    Even the best parents struggle with parenting challenges. Whatever I'm dealing with, just know, I'll figure it out some way, somehow. The best thing you can do is offer a word of encouragement and support. I'll love you forever for it.
    Photo credit: Shutterstock

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