Do Your Kids a Favor – And Get a Divorce?
My parents divorced when I was 17. They had been married for 23 years, and it would be an understatement to say that my sister and I were blindsided by their decision. We had no idea that things were bad, and their divorce completely rocked our world.
It sucked. It was sad, heartbreaking, awkward and pretty much completely awful. But then? It wasn’t. Within a few short years (if even that long) everyone agreed that it was the best thing that had ever happened to any of us.
It made me realize that, while yes divorce is awful and it’s never an easy decision, sometimes it really is the best thing, not only for an unhappy couple, but for their kids as well. I now firmly believe that it is more damaging to children for their parents to remain in a miserable marriage for the sake of the kids, than it is for them to separate and find a new, happier, normal.
Now, I’m not suggesting that every unhappy couple with children should get divorced. I’m not saying that if you’ve hit a rough patch, you shouldn’t work on your marriage. If you think your relationship can be fixed, and you’re willing to work on it, that is obviously something you should pursue.
But.
For those couples who have come to the end of the road and are only staying married because they think it is what’s best for their children, I encourage them to reconsider. While the idea of living in a nuclear family is tempting, and it makes it easy to convince themselves that they’re modeling the correct/proper/healthiest possible behaviors for their kids, in reality, they’re not.
Kids should grow up with happy parents. They should see parents who have a healthy, loving relationship, even if step-parents are involved. They should grow up with an understanding of what a healthy, loving relationship is. They shouldn’t be subjected to parents who are emotionally distant from one another at best, or, at worst, cold and unfriendly to each other.
If a couple is willing to live in the same household and feign interest in one another, I have to believe that they would be able to separate and handle the situation with respect and decency, thus easing the transition for their children. It won’t be easy. It’s not ideal. But in the long run, getting divorced might be the very best thing for everyone involved. Even, or especially, for the kids.
My parents have both remarried and are in happy, loving relationships and my sister and I now have two sets of awesome parents. In fact, both my dads walked me down the aisle at my wedding (see photo above!). While, admittedly, the world turned upside down for a bit during and immediately following the divorce, in the end, it was honestly one of the best things that ever happened to us as a family.
Read Amber’s experience, How My Son Bridged a Two Decade Divide
Photo Credit: Jensen Sutta Photography
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I totally agree! And I love this picture.
Thank you for this sane piece.
I’ve had friends whose parents suddenly after 20+ years of marriage decided to split, their kids were grown, the parents weren’t happy and it all seemed better for everyone. But your parents divorced when you were 17, that means they basically did stay together for the kids, they waited til you were able to handle it better, they didn’t probably have fights over custody, visitation, or child support, or any of the stuff that creates bitterness and anger and a lot of time causes kids to chose a side because they see one parent more and they see how unhappy they other parent makes them. Younger kids are more likely to be put in the the middle and a lot of times fathers (moms too, but mostly fathers) are alienated from their children because they are exposed to all the adult bitterness that comes with divorce. My parents stayed married for 26 years til my dad died. Til Death Did they part, there is something to be said for taking your vows seriously even if the romance has faded. I think it’s better to stay together for the kids if nothing else…just based on my own anecdotal evidence. But I am glad to hear some kids can come out of divorce with little emotional baggage..
Well if you were 17 when your parents divorced you probably don’t have any idea what it is like being a young child and having to grow up in two families. So I think it is hard for you to weigh in on what that is like. I would imagine it is very different when your parents divorce when you are off to college to go live your own life. I would also imagine meeting/dealing with (whatever the case may be)your parents new love interest is a lot different when that person isn’t going to live with you and raise you.
And for the record most parents who cannot get along while married contine to not get along after the marriage is over. And parents fighting whether together or not creates the same dysfunction in their children.
Another factor that you did not address is when one parent wants the marriage and another does not. That creates a whole other level of craziness.
All I’m saying is that you have greatly simiplified this. No matter what divorce is not a “clean” process and the kids will have challenges to navigate even in the “best” divorces.
And when the parents cannot get along the challenges contine for your entire life. I am 30 years old and my dad will no longer attend any of our events because his wife does not get along with my mother or my sister. We do not see him for any holidays, birthdays, etc. Our family was completely torn apart for tons of reasons including my insane step mother.
I second Heather. If parents divorce when the children are 18 or close to it they avoid all the anger, battling, lawyers, etc. that comes with trying to figure out who gets primary custody, how often they see the other parent for visitation, how much child support is paid, who pays all of the other extra expenses.
How to deal when you get divorced when your child is a toddler and another women enters the picture immediately and wants to act like a mother to your baby. And when it is evident that woman is resentful of the child support her “man” has to pay to you.
Like I said you simplified this and left out the pain and suffering that is typically involved.
It could be your family coped so well sour it bc you were older and able to understand the situation. When we separated it really damaged our daughter and sometimes I regret it.
There is so much that happens when parents split when their children are young. Another example is the parents going on to have more children and/or marrying someone that already has children. Then you have to deal with the feelings of your Dad living with his “new” family while you can’t live with him anymore because of the divorce. That is hard on a little kid I would imagine.
I completely agree with the others who commented. Getting divorced when you have younger children is a totally different story which, clearly, you know nothing about. Also, for the record, my parents got divorced after 23 years when I was 16 and my sister was 20 and already out of the house and I still find it completely ridiculous. What is the point in getting divorced after SO long of being married?!
My parents divorced when I was 7 because my father was a filandering, abusive alcohholic. However, had my father walked the line a little better and they divorced for other pettier reasons, I think it would have been best if they did stay together for the sake of us kids. Sure, we wouldn’t have had the ideal loving relationship modeled for us, but there are so many other benifits to having a stable two parent home. My mom, sister and I struggled tremendously financially and my mother struggled being the lone parrental figure in our lives. I was a latch key kid that got into more trouble than if I had had more eyes and love to guide me. Parents need to live together to be able to give that kind of time and guidance, not in two different homes were only one parent is available at a time anyways and were step parents don’t neccessarilly have the same authority or respect. I would have hated having two different homes with no one place to find my peace and identity. I believe parents need to be the adults and make it work for the sake of the kids.
Whew, I’m on a role. The other thing you have not factored in is when one parent does not find a new mate. My grandparents divorced when their youngest was 16. My grandma remarried and lived “happily ever after.” My grandpa never remarried and has lived out the rest of his life a lonely bachelor. I can assure you that has probably caused stress to his children all these years. The kids were angry with their mother for leaving him for many years.
I think this article is dead on. My parents divorced when I was 11 and my dad ended up in a different state. I resented my mother at first (she was the one who really ended it), but as an adult, and as I grew up, I saw them in loving, beautiful marriages where both of them were immensely happy…THAT is what kids should see. I had two lovely marriages that showed me what it was like to love and what I should hope for in a spouse…and I should never settle for less!!! If they had stayed married for us, who knows what I would’ve been looking for in a spouse or what I would’ve thought was okay to settle for. Everyone is entitled to love and be loved the way they are most fulfilled and what makes them happiest. The kids will benefit from happy parents!
I think the best thing in the world was to have a mother who had nothing but glowing things to say about my dad and stepmom, regardless (no matter how much my dad tried to intentionally slander her). My dad did not have the same courtesy. I bet you know who I respect FAR more as an adult.