Child-Unfriendly

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  • Child-Unfriendly 1 of 12

    In my bathroom stall

    In my bathroom stall If you must bring your young son with you into the ladies’ room, make sure he knows not to stick his head under the divider into my stall — even if he is polite enough to say hello before shouting, “I CAN SEE YOUR PEE-PEE!”

  • Child-Unfriendly 2 of 12

    At a bar

    At a bar This is one that urban parents love to fight over, so I’ll say this: If it’s dinnertime and your child is sitting with you at a bar that serves food, fine. If it’s midnight and your baby looks cuter than I do, she’s gotta go. There’s only so much attention to go around, kid.

  • Child-Unfriendly 3 of 12

    At a bridal fitting

    At a bridal fitting If you’re the only bridesmaid who is married with children (as I have been in the past), be sure to leave your kidlings home during events like dress fittings. No one wants to be the mom whose kid smeared chocolate all over their BFF’s silk wedding gown.

  • Child-Unfriendly 4 of 12

    In an upscale hair salon

    In an upscale hair salon This is on my list mostly because I can’t even afford to go to an upscale hair salon, so I expect to see your kid sitting next to me at Super Cuts.

  • Child-Unfriendly 5 of 12

    Getting a mani/pedi

    Getting a mani/pedi Okay, okay. Little girls love to get their nails painted, and I’ll admit even I have allowed my daughter to get her nails done by a professional — once. But a pedicure, too? Unless your 4-year-old has got some major bunions, think twice. You could be creating a monster.

  • Child-Unfriendly 6 of 12

    On the waxing table

    On the waxing table No ifs, ands or buts about it. Children do not need to be waxed or plucked — or Botoxed, for that matter. Teach your 8-year-old to embrace her inner Frida Kahlo and leave her facial hair — and certainly any other body hair — alone!

  • Child-Unfriendly 7 of 12

    At a comedy or rock show

    At a comedy or rock show The show may be all ages, but that doesn’t mean your kids belong there. I’ve had to bring my kid along to a few shows, and it makes everyone feel awkward, except my kid, who makes herself at home wherever she goes. That means begging for drinks and jumping on furniture, kinda like I do when I’m drunk. Unless Dan Zanes is on the mic, try your best to get a sitter when you need a laugh or wanna rock out.

  • Child-Unfriendly 8 of 12

    In the police blotter

    In the police blotter Okay, no joke: Child-on-child crime is on the rise, and it’s terrifying. Teach your kids how to be gentle with younger children, and for God’s sake, please don’t keep a gun in your house.

  • Child-Unfriendly 9 of 12

    At an adults-only party

    At an adults-only party You just had your first baby, but you want to go to your childless friend’s 30th birthday bash. Why not bring your infant along? Oh sure, you think he’ll sleep the whole time ... but not with his infant seat lodged underneath a speaker blaring Ke$ha. This place about to blow, alright, because your baby is crying (even louder than the drunk girl. See #7.).

  • Child-Unfriendly 10 of 12

    In the office

    In the office Just don’t bring your kid to work. We all know “Bring Our Sons and Daughters to Work Day” is really “Make Your Assistant Deal With Your Kids Day.” Not fair for your assistant, boring for your kids, bad for the economy. You can show them your office on a Saturday after the recession ends.

  • Child-Unfriendly 11 of 12

    child unfriendly Of course, if you do see someone’s child in one of these settings, be good-natured about it. After all, nothing makes a parent who already feels awkward feel worse than being snubbed by the very adult companions they are in such dire need of seeing. I’ve learned to keep a pad and pen in my purse at all times. That way, if my daughter just so happens to be with me on a comedy cruise (ahem), she can draw a picture of and learn how to spell B-E-E-R.

  • Child-Unfriendly 12 of 12

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