If you’ve been following my blog for the past five years, are friends with me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter you know I’m an open book and my life is like a fish bowl. You might think you know it all, read it all, but there are plenty of stories in the vault. In fact, there are about 4000 Facebook statuses I haven’t published, because I thought, nah, no one needs to read this. It’s gross. It’s sexy. It’s going to shame my family members. Oh well, here goes: 10 Facebook Statuses I decided against posting, that I’m now posting on a highly trafficked website:
1. I’m hungover in Hoboken while my son is making Banana Bread with Poppa Coppa.
Why I didn’t post: This seems irresponsible (it wasn’t) even though JD was safe and sound with family.
2. JD just told me I have a vagina and hair like a mermaid.
Why I didn’t post: This is obvious.
3. Parenthood should come with auto-refill Rx for Xanax
Why I didn’t post: I’m not a doctor.
4. I almost lost Leo the fish to the garbage disposal. Safe! Phew!
Why I didn’t post: Aunt Jemma would have text harassed me and called PetCo to repo Leo.
5. My tolerance for this kiddy birthday party has expired. I just grabbed a goody bag, my kid and made a beeline for the door.
Why I didn’t post: It was a fun party and I didn’t want to insult the parents. It just got a little too rowdy at the end.
6. I wish I could fly to Seattle and have coffee with Amanda Knox.
Why I didn’t post: This seems stalkerish. My family and friends are concerned I want to befriend a woman who was acquitted of murder. I believe in second chances.
7. JD just told me to get married so a dad can live here.
Why I didn’t post: This made my eyes sting and I was too busy distracting JD with Lego.
8. My attorney just called me firey and to be less emotional. That is me sleeping.
Why I didn’t post: I thought people would think I was in jail or something.
9. Overheard at Zara retail store: “No, mom, I can’t wear a business suit to this interview. Two chic lesbians are interviewing me.” [Refrained from helping girl select interview outfit. It was hard.]
Why I didn’t post: I was unclear why chic lesbians wouldn’t like a chic suit.
10. My blog has turned into an episode of Mean Girls meets Days of Our Lives. I must drink something.
Why I didn’t post: I didn’t want to stir the pot. And I did drink something.
Bonus: Ed. I’m not going anywhere. Ever.
Why I didn’t post: I told him to his face (again). Ed is my best mom friend’s husband. It took him a good year to adjust to me. I now operate on a back door policy in his home. Forever, Ed.
OK, your turn. Share 1 FB status you refrained from posting. Have fun!
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