How to Enjoy Halloween
What’s the deal with all the haters who don’t like Halloween? It’s the best holiday. The components of Halloween are Fall, costumes, and candy. What’s not to love? Besides that, Halloween is the entrance to the Holiday corridor of Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas–The trifecta! And the trifecta of the trifecta is treats, getting out of school, and presents.
What’s the matter with people? Of course, I say this as a mommy blogger who is saving for ComicCon instead of Blogher, who owns my own chestnut wand with Phoenix Feather core, who has never gone gluten-free or sugar-free or even candy-free for a single day.
Obviously, Halloween is a day centered on my values. I celebrate it whole-heartedly. It’s not for everyone, clearly. But if this post doesn’t convince you to get into the spirit of things then maybe Halloween just isn’t your bag. In that case–only after you’ve looked at this slideshow–I recommend you contact your nearest Jehovah’s Witness branch and sign up. You’ll love it.
Don't limit yourself to being a sexy witch. Halloween is so much more than that and once you let go of your vanity, the sky is the limit. I always look hideous on Halloween because I listen to my heart instead of looking in the mirror. If my heart says "Joker," I say, "Where's the green hair spray?" Vanity, thy name is seductive vampiress. I've been listening to my Halloween play list for weeks now. Nothing gets you in the mood like music, so create a playlist to set the tone for the holidays. It should begin and end with Thriller. If we give in to fear on Halloween the devil wins. Don't send your kids anywhere dangerous. Stay safe by looking up your neighborhood on
CrimeReports. If Halloween is stressing you out, you may be spending too much time on Pinterest. It can be store-bought and simple instead of handmade and excruciating. Free yourself by lowering expectations! Why not go all out? Carve pumpkins with real knives. Try to scare each other. Moan. Dip your hands into a pumpkin and pull out its guts. It's once a year. Why not? I can't wear dress robes and wield a wand all year--I'm not a psycho! But on Halloween I can transform my whole family into Gryffindors or embody the Joker and no one calls me a freak. I don't dress up on Halloween; I dress down the rest of the year. DumDums are for losers. Go for full-size Snickers if you can afford it. Why? Because the house that gives out full-size candy bars is the stuff of legends. And the people who give out Smarties are misers who hate humanity. Don't be that. You don't have to worry as much about safety if you are with your kids. It's actually pretty decent "together time." Trick or Treating is way better than watching a parade or a long car trip. Think of it that way. It's easier and much cheaper. Besides, that's the essence of Halloween. And where it is hard to pull off ugly/ironic Christmas decor, Halloween--by definition--can be hideous. Go for it. Halloween pictures are always the most charming to look at in photo albums. They are a time capsule not just of what your kids were into but the kind of fabrics and resources available at the time. Look back at your tied-on hard plastic Casper mask--It's a lesson in anthropology. If you're miserable on Halloween, it might simply be that you are cold. Take precautions against this. Wear thermals underneath that Hot Dog costume. I just can't stress this enough: If you are having a hard time finding a flattering Halloween costume stop trying to find a flattering Halloween costume. Get yourself into some vinyl get-up and hook up the air-fatness-pump. My mom does it every year and, as you can see, you can't argue with the results. Happy Halloween!
It's Not A Beauty Contest
Make a Play List
Avoid Pervs
Get Off of Pinterest
Go All Out
Indulge Your Fantasies
Give Out Delicious Candy
Go With Your Kids
Decorate Tackily
Take Tons of Photos
Dress Warmly
Really, It's Not a Beauty Contest
More of my writing at Kid Scoop
15 Things That Have Terrified Kids Through the Ages
15 Reasons I’m Glad My Kids Have a Sister
10 Cozy Costumes to Keep Kids Warm on Halloween
Children’s Illustrators That Shaped My World
Read more from me at Every Day I Write the Book
I concur vehemently with the components and sum of this post. I have been working on a Halloween playlist on and off for a year now, and I think we’re really getting to a good place. Also my oldest child dressed as Danger Mouse once.
I am the house that gives out Dum Dums. Because for the past three weeks I have had every single kid in the neighborhood come and eat all of our Dum Dums all day. So I am giving them what they want.
And you are right to do so, La Yen. Godspeed. Layne–are we friends on Spotify?
Kacy–no, we’re not. I have just now realized that I’m too stupid to use Spotify. I can’t even figure out how to get new music on it.
Dede–I wish you lived in our area. Frosties are the best.