I’m Done Having Babies: Choosing My Mental Health Over My Heart

By the time you read this, I will have just gotten my brand new IUD, a birth control method that’s good for five years.

The decision to replace my “expired” IUD wasn’t an easy one. I decided yes babies and then no babies. I engaged in ridiculous baby fever behavior, daydreamed about having a girl, and ultimately, chose my mental health over my heart’s desires.

I live with anxiety. Sometimes my anxiety is better managed than others, but it’s always there, always a part of me. It’s taken a very long time to accept the role anxiety plays in my life, with and without the help of medication. While I’d love nothing more than to deny this often misunderstood part of myself, I’ve learned that recognizing my limitations is key to the management this pesky condition, at least for me.

I’m not here to be a spokesmother on the proper management of anxiety or the benefits of birth control; I can only speak for myself and my decision. While my heart is easily strong enough to love more children, my mental health is far more fragile.

I want to love my two sons with a healthy mind because they deserve that much from me.

So today as I let go of the prospect of another pregnancy until 2017, I’m allowing myself to be sad. Sad about no more babies.

Tomorrow I’ll focus on the amazing and glorious wonders of my life, but today, fresh from my gynecologist’s office, I just feel sad.

Have you ever chosen your mental health over your heart?

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