I Feel Like… by Jessica Shattuck for Babble.com.
We should stop talking about feelings so much.
I Feel Like . . .
We should stop talking about feelings so much.
by Jessica Shattuck
October 13, 2009
A friend of mine picked up her five-year-old son from kindergarten the other day and arrived to find the class bully throwing his shoes at the bookshelf in a fit of anger. “Stop doing that, Carson,” his mom was pleading. “When you do that, it makes me feel like you don’t care about me.” Carson was apparently undeterred.
Wow – later, she and I laughed about this. That kid is going to spend years on some therapist’s couch. The weird illogic her particular Jedi mind-trick of pop psychology made it almost impossible to unpack (The equation of me with the bookshelf? The meaning of “care” to a five-year-old?). There was something so depressing about the passivity of the plea, something so desperate about the invoking of her own fragile ego as a reason the kid should behave.
It gave me one of those smug, moments of self-congratulation (I may be a model of inconsistency when it comes to bedtime and mid-night wake-ups, but at least I don’t threaten my children with my own hurt feelings) that always come back to bite you.
Sure enough, I began to notice my five-year-old whining about “feeling like” she just needed something sweet (never mind whether it was time for desert or five-thirty in the morning), or “feeling like” she would never, ever fall asleep. I recognized that, she was, not infrequently, having tantrums involving the accusation that I just didn’t understand “her feelings” (that, for instance, she didn’t like time outs, or that it made her furious to be told we were not going to watch a movie tonight).
This is not to say that I was suddenly flooded with recovered memories of emotionally blackmailing my children, but I did start to think about how often I bring up “feelings” (my own, my kids’, their friends, the dog next door’s . . . ). I did start to think about how often I, like so many women of my age, begin way too many sentences with the unnecessary declaration (or caveat, depending on how you see it) of “I feel like…”.
“I feel like my kids are driving me crazy” or “I feel like we need raised garden beds if we’re going to plant veggies.” At least half the time the phrase is totally unnecessary. Why not just my kids are driving me crazy? Or I need raised beds in the garden – when there’s really nothing subjective about it.
It’s just a pattern of speech of course, like adding “like” to so many sentences. But it is also a reflection of a sort of generational uber-attention to feelings. The awareness of what we feel is prominent enough to shape the idiomatic pattern of our speech.
Like so many thirty-somethings I know, I grew up on the doctrines of Sesame Street (remember Gordon’s heart-felt exhortation to “Let Your Feelings Show?”) and Free To Be You and Me (which made sure we knew “It’s All Right to Cry” practically before we knew how to walk). Our parents, those children of The Greatest Generation – whose own feelings were steadily and consistently shut down by their stoic war veteran fathers and questing-for-perfection 1950s moms – went all out to make sure their kids had the vocabulary, the awareness and the comfort to express their feelings and be emotionally sensitive beings. Maybe it is only logical that, consciously or not, we perpetuate the trend.
Interesting read, but I wish the author had done some reporting to back up her musings. What do child psychologists and studies say about the issue of feelings and talking about feelings? Totally interesting concept, but it felt a little rant-y to me. More please.
As a children’s therapist I have to say that I disagree with this article. I think that MORE emphasis needs to be placed on understanding emotions (especially with our young boys) and on the APPROPRIATE EXPRESSION of them. Emotions can be a great indicator of a deeper problem. Children need to be taught that emotions are ok and normal, it’s behaviors that can be wrong (feelings will not get you punished, it’s what you do with those feelings that will, etc). Not expressing feelings or not feeling “heard” can lead children to act out out of sheer frustration. That’s the basis of “validating” and “relfecting back”. By emphasizing that the emotion itself isn’t a bad thing, but that the acting out may be, we teach our children to take responsibility for their actions. By listening to our kid’s feeling’s we can help be proactive (help avoid the tantrum) -vs- reactive (dealing with just the tantrum). We also can keep them from internalizing their feelings (I am bad vs I made a bad choice)
Parents are the #1 most important role model in their young child’s life when it comes to emotional regulation. It’s on the parent to teach that feelings are NOT an excuse for bad behavior, but at the same time, emotions are not irrelevant. So while it’s true that “feelings aren’t facts”, that doesn’t mean that the feelings don’t matter. A child not understanding what the real meaning of “feeling” is, or that feelings don’t make something real? (I’m thinking the example of the child feeling that there is a monster behind him) ROLE MODEL FOR THEM! Say “You THINK there’s a monster? Are you feeling SCARED??”. Teach them that distinction. The child is yelling himself blue in the face? There is a real emotion under there, they just don’t know how to get it out!
A five year old tantruming around accusations of the writer not understanding her is the perfect example of a child trying to send a message. The only tools she has at that age to let you know that her needs aren’t being met is through a tantrum. She’s trying to tell her mother that she needs SOMETHING that she is not getting. You can validate her feelings but still hold firm to your rules (you don’t have to give your kid ice cream just because they want some, but you should help them put a name to whatever strong emotion they’re feeling around not getting that ice cream, anger, disappointment, etc). And while validating won’t stop the tantrum (it’s actually not very effective to try to communicate during an emotional state) it again reinforces the idea that they matter , that they are in control of themselves, and that they have to take responsibility.It’s completely unrealistic to assume that by “overlooking” feelings we will model for our children the idea that feelings pass. Children have to be taught how to deal with their emotions so thay they can handle them in the real world. By overlooking them we teach them to ignore them. And can we really “teach” the idea that feelings pass? isn’t that something we all learn through real-life experience? That child who was afraid there may be a monster behind him? Take things one step further and teach him to OVERCOME his emotions (“Let’s turn around together to see if there’s a monster”). That will go much farther in sending the message that emotions pass (and can be mastered!) then ignoring them ever will.
I don’t like labeling children’s feelings as “irrational”. A small child doesn’t have the complex understanding of the world than an adult does. Parent need to attune to the mental health of their child the same way they would the physical. BALANCE is what’s needed for a healthy, happy, well-adjusted kid and therefore a happy, healthy, well-adjusted adult!.
OH thank you EminRI for that comment, it’s everything I want to say in a nutshell and more. I’m not going to threaten that Babble has gone off the deep end and I won’t ever ever be back to read this site, but I do FEEL that there are often articles that are contentious or just not really well thought out. If you read the examples this author gave they were not good examples of how using feeling words can be productive. She takes a few instances in which I agree the parent was emotionally blackmailing or the child was trying to get out of trouble, but that doesn’t mean you throw away teaching feelings.This is the second time this week that I feel icky after reading a post.
I enjoyed EminRI’s comment much more than the article itself. It would be great if Babble would commission an article from her!
C’mon Babble, you can do better.
And yes, like the previous two posters have stated, glad we had a post like EmInRI’s- with a wider range of emotional understanding and vocabulary of children, the better they seem to cope, the more confident and secure they seem to be. (From the experience of this mother/ former pre-school teacher).
this piece could’ve been better…but as is, the argument doesn’t connect; it’s merely strung together with bits of tight phrasing, snark, and some strangely placed examples. this seems to be kind of a trend around here lately…what the hell is happening to babble? has there been some sort of editorial shift or something? yikes.
Um… guess I’m in the minority, but I agree with her completely.
I think this generation is obsessed with how they feel. One of the biggest lessons a child learns as they grow is how to control their feelings instead of letting their feelings control them. We talk about feelings to the point of absurdity.
It’s one thing to talk to a kid about how they feel when they are bullied, a pet dies, they have a new sibling, they are about to move to a new state, etc. It’s another to endlessly inject feelings into discussions where they don’t belong. For example: “No, I don’t care how you feel about the laundry. I told you to put it away, so do it.”
I agree the article could have used some more research, but I still agree with her.
I agree with the author of the essay. Adults use “I feel…” to start sentences thinking it will somehow make thier needs more likely to be met. Validate their emotions. People use “I feel..” the same way they use “fuck” as the universal adjective, verb, noun and expletive. When someone starts off a sentence with “I feel..” I immediately put up my defenses because the emotional blackmail will soon begin. I tell my kids, “Just because you feel something doesnt mean the world will stop turning.” Learning to control ones feelings is not the same as expressing them at every turn.
I tell my kids, “Just because you feel something doesnt mean the world will stop turning”Whoa, Ali! That is rough! I predict a difficult adolescence for a child who is given this message when they are trying to sort through their stuff. Just sayin’
Ali’s comment is interesting; I notice women saying “I feel like” when
they make an assertion or express a need, whereas I don’t hear men
saying it. To me, that’s because women are often socialized to be
uncomfortable making a plain statement of demand, need or assertion -
nice girls don’t simply disagree about politics, we “feel like” the
other person might have missed something. To me, it’s not a sign that
people are trying to emotionally blackmail each other – it’s a sign the
person speaking isn’t confident enough to make their assertion, and is
trying to back away from it.
I remember my parents and grandparents telling me that while my feelings were important, they were also temporary. What *mattered* were my actions, as they were a lot more long-lived than how I was feeling at any given moment.
I really don’t understand today’s parents teaching their children that feelings are all-important. Are we TRYING to raise a generation of self-obsessed narcissists?
When I grew up it was pretty clear that the family as a unit was more important than any of our individual feelings. Quite a bit of the process of maturing involved learning to suck it up and do what was necessary for the family’s well being. Hate helping with the laundry/dinner/cleaning/garden? Don’t want to be nice to your sister or polite to your parents or grandparents? Too bad. I know that some people argue that this isn’t healthy. But if you’re trying to raise people who can work in any kind of group toward a larger purpose, it seems essential.
By and large I buy into the notion that validating a child’s feelings is important. I appreciate EmInRI’s words of wisdom. However, I also think plenty of parents do it wrong. The first example in the essay – Carson’s mom, who pleads with her bullying son – illustrates a wimpy, hapless woman. I have a friend like this. (I do love her, but how she relates to her son drives me up a wall.) When he starts throwing a fit at the Children’s Museum when it’s time to go, she gets down to his level (on the floor) and pleads with him about how his behavior is hurting her feelings. Puhleeze. Twenty minutes later she is near tears and he continues his recalcitrance. Approximately nineteen minutes ago I would’ve been halfway to the car with my kid under my arm.
I totally agree with letting kids express their feelings – especially fear or grief. But I don’t agree with letting kids do so at the expense of the public good. I have to wonder about a grown woman (or man) who is reduced to begging a child to consider her fragile feelings when the kid is just being a little shit.
Amen to Annabella, anon, and especially ceecee (I like the way she puts it, becaues sometimes my kids are just being “little shits”). My 3+ y/o is kind of emotionally high maintenance, so I’m feeling out how to respond to his actual emotional needs, and to avoid what is just manipulation (or, in his case especially, exhaustion, as he never stops moving!). Frankly, sometimes he *does* just need to suck it up, when I can’t deal with him because my other son needs me, or when I really must do something else, etc. It’s fine with me if he learns to identify his emotions, and it’s my job to teach him what to do with them, but I refuse to let emotion, especially a 3 y/o’s mercurial emotions, rule our house. My child, at this age, sure doesn’t care if he “hurts my feelings”; right now, he’s capable of understanding “this is bad, and this is good,” but not of understanding what’s going on behind it. That will come with time, and that’s okay.
I think that the author’s point would be applicable to adults today, too. It doesn’t matter how mad I am at my husband, I’m not allowed to treat him like shit. It doesn’t matter if people “just don’t love each other anymore”; they made a committment and need to honor it. Our world would be a better place, I think, if people lived more by a sense of right and wrong, and less by “I feel…”. Many times, I find that if I make up my mind to ignore my feelings (let’s say, anger) because the end result isn’t worth it, a change comes about internally by following that decision.
Totally agree with you, ChiLaura. Especially your last paragraph. Emotions are temporary, deceptive, and often contradictory. Part of being a healthy human being is knowing how to make good decisions in spite of how you feel.
That’s what discipline is for: teaching a child that a tantrum is a bad decision that will not get him that cookie, but asking nicely and waiting patiently in spite of being frustrated just might (after dinner).
Uneiblevable how well-written and informative this was.